Category: Writing

I Choose

~ ladyquirky ~ 7 Comments

He wants me to smile sweetly and be carefree. Don’t rock the boat and maintain a calm, cool, and collected attitude. Don’t give people dirty looks and always be friendly. Go with the flow and relax. My hair should always be forced into submission using superheated ceramic plates and hurricane force winds from the hair dryer. Makeup should be natural, yet perfect. Avoid garish colors. Don’t put those stripes in your hair. Clothing should be chosen carefully paying attention to detail and neatness should always be paramount. Comfort and function is not important.Don’t be so loud. Avoid profanity and callous language at all cost. Be polite. Professionalism is always required. Carry yourself like a lady at all times.

She wants me to be strong and to demonstrate my inner feminine badass. Don’t stoop to acting like a weak little girl. I am not a doormat, do not allow anyone to walk all over me. Live life offensively and not defensively. As a woman, I should be using my voice to enact change and lead a revolution. Fight against injustice and demand respect. I can wear any clothes I want to wear and  the more shocking the better. Makeup is used to draw attention to the face and to prove I can be anything I choose to be. I should not be ashamed of my sexuality and my desires. Do not keep my voice down, I deserve to be heard. Use any language to facilitate proving my point. I am not scared of anyone. I am woman, hear me roar.

I am supposed to be brave yet cautious.

I am supposed to be concerned with my appearance yet self-depreciating.

I am supposed to be respectable yet be myself.

Generous and charitable while avoiding being used.

Smart yet teachable.

Confident and humble.

Strong and independent. Wait, unless someone wants me to be docile.

Clever and funny but not vulgar.

Opinionated yet deferential.

When I try too hard to meet the expectations everyone else has for me, I end up confused and unable to act. I find myself unable to make simple decisions. I become desperately unhappy.

I find it difficult to be everything I assume people expect of me. This is why it is important to surround ourselves with people who like us exactly as we are at that moment. Today, I choose to be me, authentically. 

Time Marches On

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

  

  I don’t know if my son knows exactly how I feel about him. Sure, I tell him “I love you.” I hug him and I have always done my very best to support him. 

The problem stems from my inability to fully comprehend how quickly he is growing up. He has his own plans and dreams. He knows what he wants his world to look like. All I know is how my world changed the moment he came into it. It was not an instantaneous miracle, it was a subtle shift in my priorities. I could no longer make decisions about my life without considering how it would affect him. I was no longer my only priority. 

If I am being honest, there is a selfish part of me screaming for him to stop growing up already! It’s horribly unfair. These little guys come tearing into our hearts and all we get is the promise of abandonment long before we are truly ready. 

My son has never been truly mine. He was always his own person and sometimes he would generously allow me a little peek into his world.  He is forming his own opinions and his world is different than mine.

We get to share our hearts with our children. If we are truly lucky, as I consider myself to be, we raise phenomenal people who will leave their own mark on the lives of others. I know he has left an indelible mark on me. 

I can’t stop time. He won’t allow me to wrap him up in bubble wrap to protect him from the world. My only hope is that he makes decisions that are true to his heart and that he experiences life as fully as he wants to. 

I am lucky. I have this amazing kid who is rushing headlong into adulthood. I hope he savors these last couple of years of adolescence. I want him to love and be loved. I want him to look out at the world with wonder and not be afraid. 

I will always strive to be his safe harbor. The person in the world who loves him more than anything. I will be as open minded to his dreams as my heart will allow. I promise to support his desires and to help guide him the best way I know how. While he is not my possession, he stole my heart the day he was born. 

When I watched him walking into airport the other day I was overcome with emotion. I was proud of his independence and I was missing the little boy he was not very long ago. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not rush after him to make sure he could navigate the airport. (He’s a smart kid, obviously he had no problems.) 

He does not need me to hold his hand anymore. He knows how to look both ways before he crosses the street. I know because I watched him do it. I have to have faith in the lessons our family strives to teach him. I have to believe we are raising a good man. 

So, I’m not going to waste time crying over losing my little guy. I am going to celebrate his journey into manhood. However, if I am being honest I wish it took a little longer. I just don’t know if I am ready yet. 

Vacation. All I Ever Wanted

~ ladyquirky ~ 3 Comments

  
Hanging out with my favorite guy in The Big Apple. Having a blast. 

I want to talk about the 9/11 memorial. It is hauntingly beautiful. It was hard to keep my composure as I relived the fear and horror of my country under attack. 

My son was still a toddler, and he has no idea what the world was like before. We went from being a sheltered nation to a nation on the same level as the rest of the world. We are not immune. 

  Watching my son viewing the world from the top of The Freedom Tower, I realized I have a responsibility to do every thing in my power to make this world better for him. I don’t believe I can change the whole world however I can be kinder and more responsible to those around me. Just think, what if we all made that promise? What if we made it our mission in life to be kind? To help others? To be inclusive instead of exclusive? 

I want the world to be a gentle place for my boy. I know that sounds naive and simple. I just think it would be nice. 

Tinder Scars

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

   
 
Okay. I need to know- seriously! Does this work? Ever? 

Then, there was this guy… 

 
I’m sorry, but do what??? When I am passionate? WTF? We had been having a very nice discussion about French Bulldogs VS English Bulldogs. How did we go skidding off the rails here? 

Guys, if you can’t even maintain polite conversation long enough to get me to agree to go out with you, how on earth are you ever going to convince a girl to actually sleep with you? It’s not that hard! Be polite! A little mystery goes a long way. I don’t want to meet your penis before I meet your face! 

So, chances are- I need to deactivate Tinder. I’m not this kind of girl. I’m a nice girl! Well, mostly. That’s not the point. 

Gross. Stop trying to send me pictures of your little friend. I’m good. In fact, I’m more than good. I’m all set. I can find those all on my own if the mood strikes. 

Tinder, you have scarred me for life. 

Let Go

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

  A year ago I thought I was doomed to be a complete failure. I had no idea what my next move was going to be, and I was certain I was never going to amount to anything again. I was heartbroken, ashamed, and more than a little lost. The only thing I knew for sure is I did not want to let go and move on. 

The next four months were torture. I woke up every day afraid this was going to be the day the other shoe dropped. I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I had no idea what solid ground felt like anymore. 

I had become jaded and bitter. I had no hope for a brighter future. I was losing the thing I had pinned all my hopes and dreams on. I was a broken mess hanging on to my misery with resolution. 

I was destroying myself. Every day was worse than the next. I cried frequently. I lashed out at my friends and became unbearably passive aggressive. I was daring anyone to knock the rather large chip off my shoulder. I was willing to fight to the death to stay where I was no longer wanted. (Not by everyone, which fed the confusion. Somehow, I was only despised by some.) 

The people who love me were worried. I was slowly unraveling and I had lost all hope. Then, the other shoe dropped. It was not fair. I had to make some hard decisions. It was time to let go. 

Letting go sounds so simple. It’s not. The death grip I had on the past had frozen me in time. The pain I felt on a daily basis could be seen in every breath I took. I was losing part of my identity. 

It started with an email from a physician looking for help. Once I became used to the idea of changing jobs, the ball was rolling. I still struggled daily with the feelings of worthlessness. I figured if I could not make it at the place I felt most at home, I could not make it anywhere. 

Slowly, I started to find shreds of bravery. I got out of my comfort zone. I met new people. Made new friends. I learned how to let the walls down, even if it was just for a few minutes. I traveled around the country. 

The shift was subtle. It happened in fits and starts. I was slowly finding the courage to be vulnerable without destroying the relationships I was in. I was able to protect myself by being myself. I no longer had to wonder who I was supposed to be. I could be me. 

I have fought hard to find the woman I am. I have messed up a lot along the way. Sometimes I forget how unhappy I was. I find myself looking back and wanting to find a way to go home. 

I can’t go back. Not after all the growing up I have done this year. I can’t be that girl anymore. 

She would have given anything for life to stay exactly as it was. She was too afraid to let go. I’m glad the other shoe dropped. 

Walking through Memories

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

 Looking back on the past can be dangerous. I tend to either romanticize or vilify all the characters of my personal story. People have drifted in and out of my life and I have to say they have all left a mark on who I have become. Some people left me with nothing but fond memories and we simply drifted apart. Others left me with wounds and scars, which eventually healed despite my best attempts to delay closure. I compare every situation to one of the unhappy endings, which allows me to justify my stubborn nature. I am not about to compromise on anything for anyone.

This is my mistake. I use the past as justification for continued unhealthy behavior. Sure, I have made some bad choices when it came to people, however this does not mean I am entirely incapable of maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.

When I look back on previous “relationships” (which should be in quotes because I am not going to act like I have had any great love affairs) I realize I was never actually invested in getting to know the other person, nor was I interested in finding out who I was when I was with them. I was always looking for a reason they were not THE ONE. You know which one I am talking about. I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable until I knew it was forever. I was not going to invest anything into the relationship until I KNEW!  I was so cool, I was freezing them out.

I could go off and allow myself to feel all unworthy and unlovable, or I could be reasonable and consider my responsibility for these failed relationships. Trust me, I was not easy to deal with. On a good day I am high maintenance. If I don’t like you, I am insufferable. However, I am not broken beyond repair. I am not some unlovable freak who no one wants to be around.

So, what is the point of all this reminiscing? Should I beat myself up because I could not figure out intimacy sooner? Remember poor Bridget Jones and her stack of self-help books? That bullshit is not the way to achieve good mental health.

Personally, the path to health comes from a dedication to being honest with myself. I have never experienced a period of my life that was either completely magical or utterly dismal. Nope. Everything is a lot more moderate. I think life tends to ebb and flow through various stages of comfort. Even on my worst day, I can find something good that happened. The best days still have annoyances. The key to my happiness lies in my ability to keep things in perspective. This includes the past! 

I have no intention of spilling all my deep, dark secrets here on my blog. The details are not important. Everyone has things they are not proud of. It is imperative that I allow myself to be multifaceted and to celebrate the lessons I have learned. I have never had anyone important to me demand perfection. Nope. For the most part, the assholes were not in my inner circle. So, why would I care what they wanted from me? The people who matter have liked me for who I am, not what I should be. 

Despite my failure to successfully engage in this whole relationship thing, I cannot employ that excuse to avoid intimacy. Then I would be robbing myself of potential greatness. Every relationship does not have to be perfect. I can learn to be myself and enjoy someone else’s quirks. I can let them see my unique place in the world.

I can trust people until they give me a reason not to. There must be a way to protect yourself and still drop the coat of armor enough to let someone in. I am interested in seeing what that is like. I wonder if the scary ever dissipates.

I have to stop telling myself strength comes from not needing other people. The real courage comes when you allow someone to penetrate the prickly outer shell. I can only learn from the past if I am willing to venture out and be bold. Remember, this is my adventure. I don’t want to miss it all because I am too scared to take the leap.

 

Winter Wonderland

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

  I am sitting here in a cafe, enjoying a cup of coffee, and watching the wildlife frolicking in the little pond across the way. 
The sun makes the snow sparkle. It is oddly comforting. I feel the urge to bundle up and go out to enjoy the frigid beauty. 

This is my year of adventure.

Why is this here? 

~ ladyquirky ~ 5 Comments

 So, the new job. There is an on call room and obviously it includes a bathroom. I have been here for 6 weeks and this stool has been sitting in front of the toilet the entire time!
I have a lot of questions.

  1. Why is no one concerned about this?
  2. Do they think it is normal to have a stool in front of the toilet?
  3. What purpose could this stool be serving?
  4. Who put this stool here?
  5. Why is it still here?
  6. I can’t imagine having someone join you in the bathroom at work, so why the extra seating?
  7. Although that is the only door that locks…. Ew. Nevermind.
  8. Do some people recline while on the toilet? Seems strange.
  9. Why the hell is this stool here?

These are just some of the things bothering me at the moment.

Busy saving lives.

PS: I really need someone to move this stool. I wonder if I should move it. It doesn’t look heavy. I wonder where I would put it. Would someone put it back? I would die at that point. Eh. I’ll leave it there. Someone else can worry about it.

Tinder Nightmares

~ ladyquirky ~ 9 Comments

Okay. I am not trying to be mean, but let’s talk about this.  Below you will find a small selection of horrifying Tinder Pics. I am hoping some of these are jokes or even just hopelessly inept dudes who cannot figure out the simplest App ever.

So, Tinder seems to get into trends. One day all the guys are holding up their fish and the next day there are tons of weird animal pics. There was one guy with 6 photos, and there were a total of 11 different animals in those photos. It was just odd.

I got it! We should have PET TINDER! You could show photos of your animals, then you could set up “dates.” I have to get started on this. I feel confident this is one of my better ideas. Probably better than getting on Tinder myself. Ugh. 

Let’s go over what makes a good photo.

  • Smile! Look pleasant! Stop looking like a serial killer. You don’t look tough, you just look like an asshole.
  • Clothing would be nice.
  • Photo should not obscure every distinguishing feature you have.
  • Every photo is a group shot? Which one are you?
  • Why does your age say 38, and yet you look 12? (Not me being obnoxious about your age, it is really a photo of an actual child.)
  • If you skip leg day, don’t pose shirtless and flexing. It just makes your legs look like toothpicks that may snap under your overly eager upper body.
  • Duck Face? On a guy? No!
  • Obviously lying about your age? Not hot. We don’t fall for it either.

 

I really need for Naked Horse Guy to be a joke. This is just disturbing on too many levels. What on earth is wrong with you? None of the photos on his profile were any less disturbing or any more flattering. How can you have zero ability to tell a photo is not a good picture? We all have photos we hate of ourselves. We get frozen in time with weird expressions or from an awkward angle. I can really not come up with a good reason for this man to be posing topless next to this innocent horse.

I feel oddly torn by this profile. He loves cats. I love cats. He obviously likes books, rock & roll, and SOUL DJ? He just has weird tastes in photos. He could actually turn out to be interesting. Too bad his photos did not get better. Just a few normal, smiling photos would be nice.

Oh. My. I thought there was an animal. It was just an abundance of chest hair. He is not a physician, he is a medical student. I hate to break it to you, but you are not a physician until you graduate. His other photos were just as bad. He is looking for love in all the wrong places???? No, I think love is just hiding from his cheesy lines and photos.

     Ummm. He is patriotic. He is actually not unattractive either. Once again, this pic is just plain weird. Why is this the first impression you want to give someone? What are you trying to say? What is the deal with the giant eagle? I also want to know about the dude in the kilt behind you. Ohhhhh. Maybe that is why you chose this photo. While I am dying to know, I don’t care enough to swipe right.

So many of these men include photos of their children. Or the photos are only of their children. Why? In what way is this a good idea or appropriate. It seems about as appropriate as taking your seven-year old to see Deadpool.

Tinder is chock full of ridiculous people. I get the distinct impression most of it is not real. At least I certainly hope so. If it is all sincere, there are way too many people out there with zero clues. None of them are quite ready for dating. I am not even certain they can hold a spoon. 

*I still really want to know the story behind the eagle.

Winter Lingers

~ ladyquirky ~ 4 Comments

 The snow is not as unpleasant as you would think. The roads are rarely sheets of ice. It is not really a big deal here with a few inches of snow. I sincerely hated it here the first six weeks. I was cold, unhappy, and desperately homesick. Things are getting better. I am settling in. My son will be here before I know it for a visit. Spring is just around the corner. I hope. 

The light here is different. It feels darker and gloomier than I imagined. This may result more from my general disposition than reality. My general disposition could be influenced by the ridiculously dreary nature of my current environment. I have heard it is beautiful up here in the spring and summer. I am not sure I believe them.

I cannot imagine how people survived up here before modern conveniences. I cannot fathom how anything was accomplished at all. Everyone keeps telling me this is a mild winter. It is horribly cold. Bone chilling. Teeth rattling. You feel as if your soul is being stabbed with 1000 frozen stakes. 

Okay, it is probably not actually so bad. There have been several pleasant days. I am just recovering from the -15 degree temperatures from this weekend. I was miserable. It hurt to breathe. I am fairly certain my eyelashes froze off. My toes are still a little cold.

People really should not live up here. To be this cold cannot be good for the personality. It may explain why people up here are not as friendly as they are at home. It is just too damned cold.