Tinder Nightmares

Okay. I am not trying to be mean, but let’s talk about this.  Below you will find a small selection of horrifying Tinder Pics. I am hoping some of these are jokes or even just hopelessly inept dudes who cannot figure out the simplest App ever.

So, Tinder seems to get into trends. One day all the guys are holding up their fish and the next day there are tons of weird animal pics. There was one guy with 6 photos, and there were a total of 11 different animals in those photos. It was just odd.

I got it! We should have PET TINDER! You could show photos of your animals, then you could set up “dates.” I have to get started on this. I feel confident this is one of my better ideas. Probably better than getting on Tinder myself. Ugh. 

Let’s go over what makes a good photo.

• Smile! Look pleasant! Stop looking like a serial killer. You don’t look tough, you just look like an asshole.
• Clothing would be nice.
• Photo should not obscure every distinguishing feature you have.
• Every photo is a group shot? Which one are you?
• Why does your age say 38, and yet you look 12? (Not me being obnoxious about your age, it is really a photo of an actual child.)
• If you skip leg day, don’t pose shirtless and flexing. It just makes your legs look like toothpicks that may snap under your overly eager upper body.
• Duck Face? On a guy? No!
• Obviously lying about your age? Not hot. We don’t fall for it either.

I really need for Naked Horse Guy to be a joke. This is just disturbing on too many levels. What on earth is wrong with you? None of the photos on his profile were any less disturbing or any more flattering. How can you have zero ability to tell a photo is not a good picture? We all have photos we hate of ourselves. We get frozen in time with weird expressions or from an awkward angle. I can really not come up with a good reason for this man to be posing topless next to this innocent horse.

I feel oddly torn by this profile. He loves cats. I love cats. He obviously likes books, rock & roll, and SOUL DJ? He just has weird tastes in photos. He could actually turn out to be interesting. Too bad his photos did not get better. Just a few normal, smiling photos would be nice.

Oh. My. I thought there was an animal. It was just an abundance of chest hair. He is not a physician, he is a medical student. I hate to break it to you, but you are not a physician until you graduate. His other photos were just as bad. He is looking for love in all the wrong places???? No, I think love is just hiding from his cheesy lines and photos.

     Ummm. He is patriotic. He is actually not unattractive either. Once again, this pic is just plain weird. Why is this the first impression you want to give someone? What are you trying to say? What is the deal with the giant eagle? I also want to know about the dude in the kilt behind you. Ohhhhh. Maybe that is why you chose this photo. While I am dying to know, I don’t care enough to swipe right.

So many of these men include photos of their children. Or the photos are only of their children. Why? In what way is this a good idea or appropriate. It seems about as appropriate as taking your seven-year old to see Deadpool.

Tinder is chock full of ridiculous people. I get the distinct impression most of it is not real. At least I certainly hope so. If it is all sincere, there are way too many people out there with zero clues. None of them are quite ready for dating. I am not even certain they can hold a spoon. 

*I still really want to know the story behind the eagle.