A year ago I thought I was doomed to be a complete failure. I had no idea what my next move was going to be, and I was certain I was never going to amount to anything again. I was heartbroken, ashamed, and more than a little lost. The only thing I knew for sure is I did not want to let go and move on.
The next four months were torture. I woke up every day afraid this was going to be the day the other shoe dropped. I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I had no idea what solid ground felt like anymore.
I had become jaded and bitter. I had no hope for a brighter future. I was losing the thing I had pinned all my hopes and dreams on. I was a broken mess hanging on to my misery with resolution.
I was destroying myself. Every day was worse than the next. I cried frequently. I lashed out at my friends and became unbearably passive aggressive. I was daring anyone to knock the rather large chip off my shoulder. I was willing to fight to the death to stay where I was no longer wanted. (Not by everyone, which fed the confusion. Somehow, I was only despised by some.)
The people who love me were worried. I was slowly unraveling and I had lost all hope. Then, the other shoe dropped. It was not fair. I had to make some hard decisions. It was time to let go.
Letting go sounds so simple. It’s not. The death grip I had on the past had frozen me in time. The pain I felt on a daily basis could be seen in every breath I took. I was losing part of my identity.
It started with an email from a physician looking for help. Once I became used to the idea of changing jobs, the ball was rolling. I still struggled daily with the feelings of worthlessness. I figured if I could not make it at the place I felt most at home, I could not make it anywhere.
Slowly, I started to find shreds of bravery. I got out of my comfort zone. I met new people. Made new friends. I learned how to let the walls down, even if it was just for a few minutes. I traveled around the country.
The shift was subtle. It happened in fits and starts. I was slowly finding the courage to be vulnerable without destroying the relationships I was in. I was able to protect myself by being myself. I no longer had to wonder who I was supposed to be. I could be me.
I have fought hard to find the woman I am. I have messed up a lot along the way. Sometimes I forget how unhappy I was. I find myself looking back and wanting to find a way to go home.
I can’t go back. Not after all the growing up I have done this year. I can’t be that girl anymore.
She would have given anything for life to stay exactly as it was. She was too afraid to let go. I’m glad the other shoe dropped.