Category: Personal stuff

Daddy Issues Part II

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

It’s the middle of January *2006. I have been a nurse on the night shift for about six months. My patient load tonight is insane. Part of it is my fault. I ask to keep the patient at the end of the hall even though the rest of my group is at the other end. The thing is, I am worried about him. He is in room *417. *details and names are changed for privacy.*

Mr. 417 has been in the hospital for several weeks. When I first meet him, he is a cantankerous grouch. He does not like being stuck in bed with the tube snaking out of his nostril and connected to suction. He is unable to eat, so we continuously drip nutrients like lipids, glucose, and vitamins into his veins.

I am still inexperienced, and completely naive about the seriousness of his condition. Yes, he is quite old, but has always been healthy up to this point.

I dote on my little cranky man, pick up extra shifts, and ensure that he is well cared for. Mr. 417 is excessively difficult to please. Everything has to be just so, and I have our routine down pat.

It is three in the morning. I have been running from room to room all night. I am doing a bowel prep for a colonoscopy in room 405 and the patients in 402 and 407 are call light happy. I am in Mr. 417’s room about every 20 minutes to check on him, and to try to find some relief for his discomfort- all to no avail.

I am busy giving a bed bath in room 405, and unable to check on him from 0235 until 0300. When I finish my tasks I hurry to check on him. What I find is a new nurse’s worst nightmare. I run to get my charge nurse, and we get an ABG and a CXR. Obviously in shock. I have to call a doctor and get some help for my patient.

I pick up the phone and dial the number. I ask the answering service who is on call that night. When she answers, I promptly hang up and burst into tears. I am one of those annoying people who cry at the first sign of stress.

Oh, the call light is going off. My patient in room 405 has tried to get up and navigate her way to the bathroom without assistance. The Golytely effects hit her rapidly. There is a very large problem all over her room. We do not have a nurse’s aide tonight.

I have to call the doctor. Let’s call him Dr. Snape. Everyone knows that is not his real name. In my hospital, he is infamous. This is a man who does not like to be woken up. Nurses dread calling him, and almost everyone has a Dr. Snape story. His reputation is legendary. He is also known as one of the best doctors.

I beg my charge nurse to call him for me. She refuses, however we do have an impromptu practice conversation. I take notes. I gather his chart, and make sure I have current vital signs, I&Os, and lab work available.

I take a deep breath, and with shaking hands call the answering service back. I sit there and silently rehearse what I am going to say. The phone rings, and the call is transferred to me.

I ramble my rehearsed speech, my words hurried and breathless. The patient’s name, room number, admitting diagnosis, admitting physician, and why I am calling. I do not stop speaking until I get all of that out, then my voice trails off uncertainly because I do not know what to do next and I have yet to take a breath for fear that he will interrupt me.

Dr. Snape is silent on the other end for a few seconds and I am shaking with anxiety. He starts asking questions. He wants details. Not only about tonight, but about the events that have led up to tonight. Who was his surgeon? What did they find? What medications is he on? How long as he been on them? Is he fluid overloaded? Did he smoke? What did he do for a living? When was his last set of cultures drawn? What is the plan from oncology? Where is his family? What does the patient want? Does he know how sick he is? Does he have children? I am fairly certain he asked me who the man took to senior prom. (looking back, it seems that after a minute, he was testing me.)

Then, this exchange:

“What was his respiratory rate before?” I nervously double-check my notes.

2000: 22

2100: 24

2200: 22

2300: 22

0100: 24

0300: 39

I respond “Between 22 and 24.” Without skipping a beat Dr. Snape asks “Wouldn’t that be 23?”

I have been on the phone, shaking, and speaking in rapid, unsure answers for what feels like an eternity. I miss the joke. “Ummm. Yes, sir. That would indeed be 23.” The nurses are gathered in a curious and supportive circle around me. There is a titter which feeds my anxiety. I wish I were anywhere else in the world at that moment.

When Dr. Snape asks who the respiratory therapist and charge nurse are- I am so relieved. I hurriedly respond “*Nurse Ratchet, would like to speak to her?” and without waiting for an answer, I abruptly put him on hold, transfer the call, and burst into tears. I am convinced I am an utter failure. I contemplate switching careers. Then, I rush off to take care of Mr. 417. I have to transfer him to ICU. I see Dr. Snape in the unit when I am dropping off the rest of the patient’s belongings, and I avert my eyes and scurry away.

The rest of my night is a mess. I worry about my patient, and I have a ton of things to do since my routine was interrupted. I go home that morning feeling like a terrible nurse, and wondering if I am even capable of this job.

The next day, I walk into the break room at the beginning of my shift, and find this in my mailbox. *It has been edited to leave out identifying information. *IMG_7835Well, that is weird. What does this mean? Isn’t that my job? Oh, well I am flattered. Obviously. I still have it after all these years. It lives in a metal box. Along with a copy of the recommendation letter he wrote for me when I was applying for a fellowship after grad school.

This night is one of the defining moments of my career. It is the beginning of my relationship with one of my mentors. It took me years to get over being too intimidated to speak to him, but once I did, I was pleasantly surprised.

Night shift nursing brings about a completely different relationship with physicians than day shift. You typically only see physicians when there is a crisis. For many of them, they have been awake all day working, and this is the time they should be at home asleep. It makes it difficult to foster overly friendly relationships.

However, given enough time and exposure, you eventually do. Over time I learned how to be prepared for my encounters with them, and that made their job easier, which helped reduce some of the stress. I learned how to see them as people instead of doctors. I like them a lot more as people. Totally less scary.

One day, after I had been working closely with him as part of my clinical training for nurse practitioner school, I mentioned that night. He immediately remembered. He did not know it was me though.

He was an awesome teacher while I was learning how to be a mid-level. He sought out chances to challenge me, and he was quick to correct and to give me feedback on the job I was doing. Now, to be honest, I hit the jackpot when I chose preceptors. I picked them for their willingness to teach, and they all gave their time and expertise generously. I am so grateful for these physicians and nurse practitioners.

But, this is about Daddy Issues. How on earth does that apply to this nursing story. Well, duh… because it is my story. Remember me? The girl with daddy issues?

I started noticing a trend to my relationships with a few of my mentors. Especially with ******* (you know, Work Mommy) and the one who became Work Daddy. The two of them were the ones that I sought out for advice. I respected their opinions, and felt that they understood my goals and aspirations. The joke became that they were Work Mommy and Work Daddy. (Don’t worry- Work Mommy has a story too!)

Now, while it was initially a joke, I see how it is applicable. As I mentioned in Daddy Issues Part I, parents are our first mentors (or they should be, anyway) and when your mentor is also somewhat responsible for you as an employee, it is easy to see how mentorship could be similar to a parental role. These are the people I come to when I need help. They are the ones who offer guidance and recommendations for my future.

It is their opinions I trust. I feel like they have my best interests at heart when they offer me advice. I am never afraid to tell them when I do not know something, and I am not afraid to take chances and risk looking foolish for asking questions.

Mentors are so important in life. They are coaches who develop skills. They are people who are interested in how your career affects you personally. In some instances if you are lucky, they become friends.  — although, that may change if Work Daddy finds out I called him Dr. Snape.

***I would like to point out that Alan Rickman is a very commanding presence. Also, Professor Snape did kinda turn out to be a hero in the end- He always looked out for Harry, and tried to protect him. This is where the pseudonym came from.

One last thing, I am so grateful for the experiences I have had with my mentors, and I would not trade any of it for anything. Quite basically, I am a lucky girl.

 *** update. Work Daddy is no longer my employer, however he remains a treasured friend and mentor. ~10/29/2015 ♥️LQ

Daddy Issues. It’s not about sex.

~ ladyquirky ~ 6 Comments

Okay. Before you read any further… if you are expecting a post about sexual exploits with older men, you are going to be so very disappointed. I am quite cognizant of the fact that my grandfather reads this blog. (Wait, you are insinuating that there may be exploits to write about!) But, that is absolutely not the point. This is a blog about the weird daddy fantasies I have had for as long as I can remember.

Hehehe. See what I did there?

So, to put some context to this I should probably explain that I do not have a relationship with my father. It’s okay. I don’t mind all that much. I have had lots of therapy, and I realize it has nothing to do with me yadayadayada. Frankly, it is his loss. I am awesome. However, I would be completely disingenuous if I pretended that I did not wish I had a relationship with him. So, for most of my life I have been moderately obsessed with the fathers of pop culture. (Oh, one important thing, I have not been lacking in the male influence in my life- I have lots of people who have selflessly stood up and assumed that role. I have a wonderful loving family, and it’s not like I have been deprived of male attention.)

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See? He is such a good dad! Who doesn’t love dad hugs?

I am obsessed with TV shows and movies that have a man who is excessively paternal. Rick Castle (Nathan Fillion) is the best dad. He has a teenage daughter (well, I think she is in college now) and they have a really cool relationship. I have always wanted that kind of relationship with my father. You know, the guy who frets over me, and is seriously protective and proud of me. So, it’s quite entertaining to imagine that this fictional character is actually my dad! This is common for young women (ok, almost middle-aged women who did not realize the teenagers were no longer their peers.)

images-2
This must be a dude thing. My son kisses us on the forehead. It’s kinda sweet and condescending at the same time. I am leaning more towards sweet.

More about this style of dad. He is fun. He loves to play games and keeps up with what the cool kids are doing. He is not afraid to take his daughter to see a boy band. He has a relationship with his daughter on her level. Why? He likes her as a person! She is not a piece of property that he owns. He plays laser tag IN THE HOUSE! Decorates and dresses up for Halloween. This is a cool dad. My inner kid loves this guy.

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Well, if dad is a big kid- its probably best that granny is there. Even if she has a green goo face.

Now, what about the girl who is closer to my age? Maybe even a little closer to my own experiences?

Elizabeth Keen and Red Reddington on The Blacklist. There is some controversy as to whether or not he is actually her father, however he is so paternal and I am convinced that he is her dad. Which is probably the goal of the show’s writers anyway. (Side note: I just learned that paternal and paternalistic are not at all the same thing. Paternal is fatherly, while paternalistic is bad. Like dictator bad. hmmm.)

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I don’t really understand why she spends so much time in a hospital bed. Maybe she should be a little more careful. No wonder she needs a dad.

This show does a phenomenal job of demonstrating that even strong women are drawn to father figures in their lives. I mean, this chick carries a gun, and has all these smart FBI agents following her around, yet she still seeks the approval of the one guy who seems to actually be protecting her. Although, I would think that he could have done a better job protecting her by leaving her alone. Until you factor in the fact that her career went from zero to hero in about one day due to his interference. This is my greatest downfall, I can see way to many sides to situations. I never should have been a debater in high school. It has destroyed my decision-making abilities.

Celebrity Sightings In New York City - October 3, 2013
I am pretty sure my fantasy father and I would share a bench in NYC- and somehow be this comfortable with each other.

So, the point is not whether or not Red is her father. The point is that their relationship reminds me of the relationship that I imagine my father could have had with me. Your father should be your first mentor. The first man who offers you guidance and advice with your best interests in mind. With this imaginary father, I know that he would never encourage me to do anything that was not good for me. A dad has no ulterior motive, he only wants to see his daughter thrive and to reach her fullest potential. This is the fantasy that I have. This understanding of the fictitious nature of my fantasy is what allows me to know that it is okay that I do not have a relationship with my father. He is not that kind of man. I am better off with my imagination, and borrowing characters from cheesy crime shows.

Now, in the real world the relationship I have with my mentor at work (whom I fondly refer to as Work Daddy- although rarely to his face) has been instrumental in my success professionally. When I was a baby nurse, I had to call him in the middle of the night. I was terrified. I had heard horror stories about the perils nurses face when they wake him up…

*So… I have Daddy Issues. I figure there are lots of women who do. It has nothing at all to do with sex or romantic relationships. I think that people are drawn to the ones who have their best interests at heart.

34 Things I Learned by being 34

~ ladyquirky ~ 16 Comments
  1. Sometimes it is best to leave something unsaid.
  2. Friendships are important, and they take work.
  3. I can work hard and achieve results.
  4. It is the journey, not the destination.
  5. There is beauty in the unknown.
  6. Money really does not make you happy.
  7. The best time is spending time with your loved ones.
  8. You cannot make people like you.
  9. Being nice is a gift to others and to yourself.
  10. Don’t use your yardstick to judge others.
  11. Sometimes reading bad literature is just fun.
  12. Writing is hard.
  13. We all grow up. Even if we did not see it coming.
  14. I no longer relate to the teenager role when watching TV. I am usually the mom.
  15. Loud music has less appeal than it used to.
  16. It is important to watch the news.
  17. Overindulging in anything will make you sorry later.
  18. Your job cannot be your entire life.
  19. Hobbies are healthy.
  20. You do not always have to let people know what you know.
  21. It is awkward to watch sex in a movie theater.
  22. Good manners are an attractive trait in a man.
  23. Cruelty is disgusting.
  24. Personal responsibility should permeate all areas of your life.
  25. Do not go to bed with dishes in the sink.
  26. It is easier to hang the clothes up as soon as the dryer buzzes, than to put it off.
  27. Just because I don’t agree, doesn’t mean the other person is wrong.
  28. It is okay to change your mind.
  29. Be open to new ideas.
  30. If it is worth having, it is worth working for.
  31. Family and friends should come first.
  32. You have to risk humiliation to show what you can do. (sometimes, it is showing what you can’t)
  33. If everyone is having fun, there is no embarrassment. It’s fun!!!
  34. It is okay to laugh at yourself.

 

Too much tragedy for two days.

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I have good friends. My phone is blowing up with funny text messages this morning. While it is important to feel your sadness, and to grieve for the people you have lost (and their families and friends), you also have to live your life.

This week has reminded me (despite my constant reminders at work) that life is all too often short. There are no guarantees that we will get to do all that stuff we have planned.

So, make every day an adventure. Seek new people and experiences. Love with all your heart.

Don’t be afraid. Live. It’s not going to last forever.

It’s just not fair

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday I was waiting for some news. It did not come.

I did however, receive a different piece of news that left me heartbroken.

Yesterday was a very long, very unsatisfying day. (Despite the fact that I had a some really good parts of the day, it was overall mostly full of strife.)

Today, I am going to have a better day.

I’m Not Lonely, I am Single

~ ladyquirky ~ 1 Comment

“Being single is getting over the illusion that there is somebody out there to complete you and taking charge of your own life.” -Omkar Phatakc

Okay, so what? I am nearly 35 years old, and I am hopelessly single. That’s fine. I am really okay with it. Now, I would be lying if I tried to pretend that having a boyfriend would not be nice. It would be fine to have someone’s name to doodle while I am on the phone. (I suppose my doodles of “Bradley Cooper” complete with little hearts and exclamation points do not count.) It is time to take stock and see if I am capable of actually taking responsibility for living a full and productive life on my own. After all, it’s not like I NEED a man.

So, Let’s evaluate. Why am I not okay with being single? It boils down to the realization that I do not need a man in my life to live the life I imagined. Obviously, I never imagined that I would be approaching middle age ALONE. That word seems so negative. We were raised to believe that we would grow up, get married, and live happily ever after. One woman in London even married HERSELF! (Now, I personally find that absurd and intriguing all at the same time, the problem is, how would you even take that seriously as opposed to a desperate attempt to get attention? Notice, I am paying attention; perhaps she did have a good idea.)

Every TV show with a strong single female lead, culminates in her happily ever after. This has propagated the myth that there is somebody out there for everybody. Now, come on. Seriously? Is this actually true? Can you prove it? I would like to believe I have some character traits that someone out there would find attractive. I mean, I am moderately funny, I can hold up my end of a conversation, and I have quite a few varied interests. I can find attractive qualities in all sorts of men (however, well groomed facial hair is definitely a plus,) and I am pretty cute. I am an educated professional, and I am constantly seeking new opportunities to learn. So, fellas what’s the problem? How are you not knocking down my door ready to sweep me off my feet? (Ummm. If we are being honest, I hope you don’t have a bad back.)

Is that even the point? No. I am not actively searching for a significant other. I am working on learning how to make myself happy. I was introduced to this idea by my best friend, Angela. Her journey demonstrated the benefits of caring for yourself, and I saw her come back to life. Now, one of the most important parts of this journey is figuring out what makes you happy, and then acting on it! So often we wait to stumble into happiness. It is time to act on our desires. If you see yourself as a writer, then write. (Even, if it is bad at the beginning. There are books for that. You can learn if you really want to.) If you secretly want to run marathons and earn medals, then train. There is nothing stopping you except for your own fear. To learn to live fearlessly will give me the strength to look for new opportunities. Transition does not always have to be negative. You have to learn how to traverse the crevasses and climb the mountains in your heart. Knowing it is all within my grasp, even if it takes a leap of faith, gives me hope. No relationship will ever complete me as a person. In my opinion, (coming from the single, never married girl) a healthy relationship is two complete and whole people who come together to make a couple. I do not see myself finding happiness by “becoming one” with another person.

So, I am going to continue to focus on myself. I am going to keep moving forward, and learn to respect who I am. This is not an act of narcissism or defiance. And, if I am being honest, I will always enjoy my secret fantasies of a Hollywood fairy tale ending, however, if that does not happen, I will be able to proudly say that I lived a good life. I was happy. I did all the things I wanted to do. I accomplished something. I loved. I traveled. I laughed. Seriously, as women we have to stop waiting for Prince Charming, and put forth a little effort to save ourselves.

***However, remember I am always honest. If Prince Charming wants to come along for the ride, I am game. Just text me.

****No. Don’t text, call. I forgot, I am holding men to higher standards these days. If ya want to get to know me, pick up the phone. Make an effort. Remember the paragraph above where I stated some of my qualities? I am worth it.

You Gotta Have Faith.

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

“Having a positive outlook means being optimistic even when you have continuous failures, and keep re-working on your plans.”
― Kandathil Sebastian, Dolmens in the Blue Mountain

Faith is so hard to hang on to. The moment I realize that I have let myself down, it is much easier to continue on the path of the fallen. You see, it is easy to keep working out, making the right decisions for my health, and eating well as long as there is no interruption. However, throw a wrench in my plans and watch me flail aimlessly along my way.

This has been a common theme in my life. I do well for a while, then I get distracted. How do you stay focused on your goals when you have fallen off the road? Perhaps it simply takes enough courage to step back up. Maybe I did not actually fall off the road, it could have been a detour. This puts the whole journey metaphor into perspective for me. If I am staying true to my ultimate goal of viewing life as an adventure, then I must stop viewing everything as black or white. I need to learn to find contentment in the gray areas.

I truly struggle with finding contentment. I always have this restlessness just under the surface. Always searching. Never quite sure what I am searching for. So, maybe instead of trying to define my ultimate goals, I should focus on the trip. After all, it seems silly to focus on a destination in life, when arriving means it is the end. Life is a journey not a destination.

So, today I am committing to my training. I have a TM coming up. I know it is going to be a massive undertaking. I will not be able to do my best if I do not work hard to prepare. It is so much easier to beat myself up and say “I can’t do it.” I am tired of being the girl that allows fear to paralyze her. I see pictures of victorious winners as they cross the finish line of their marathons. I want to be a finisher. The only way to achieve those goals is to start.

The beginning of any new adventure is hard. You may get lost along the way, but I am lucky. There is a map. I will meet other travelers along the way who will share their experiences and strength with me. They will share their hope. So, I will borrow some hope and faith from them until I get some of my own. Then, someday I will meet another weary traveler, and I will have something of substance to offer.

This is where I can make a difference in the world. I can learn and grow. I can be available. I may not be perfect, but I am a work in progress. I do not have to seek perfection. I just have to keep moving forward. I must have a little faith in me.

 

Who Do You Think You Are?

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

We are at the mercy of how others perceive us. We have to put our best foot forward, and present ourselves in a manner that makes us pleasant to others. Presentation is such an important part of interpersonal communication. Do I want to be seen as professional? Fun? Nice? Smart? Competent? Do I want these people to like me? Respect me? Do I even care?

For me, most of the time, I seek to been seen as competent, fun, and unique. Oh, and smart. I really work hard to learn as much as I can, and I truly value intelligence. So, how do I react when others are not so impressed by me? I lash out. I get defensive. I run away. (I mean, seriously… who needs that??? Everybody wants somebody to love.)

So, at what point does it cease being an act of running away, and more a calculated and planned change in environment? How much crap are you supposed to ignore? How do you quantify your hurt feelings? Worse, is it all you? Does this indicate that you are somehow defunct? Broken, malfunctioning?

Now, if we truly seek to be improving in our lives, as I so obviously seek to do, then we must take a moment to reflect. How much of the issue is due to your performance? How much of it is due to a personality conflict? How much of it makes no sense at all?

So, if you are failing to meet some expectation in your performance, you need to develop an action plan. There may be resources you need to utilize. Perhaps there is a knowledge deficit. Seriously, these are the easiest culprits to manage and fix. There is usually some specific behavior that you have not mastered. Okay, that is great. That says nothing about you as a person. Actually, it could speak to your willingness to learn and improve. This is where having mentors is helpful. They can guide you to the appropriate resources, and give you feedback throughout your process, allowing you to know how you are improving, and what is still missing or not correct. This relationship with your mentors will be very important. They are taking time to teach, and you have to be humble in order to accept criticism in the manner it is being offered. Criticism is simply critique, it is nothing personal. This is the best sort of problem to have. Easy to fix, as long as you are willing to do the work.

Now, for the things that are a personality conflict, you should probably analyze whether or not you are being overly difficult. (Now, this one kinda irks me- I feel like women tend to be labeled as difficult far more often than men, and I actually think that working with many men is way more difficult- they just don’t get the label.) However, it is probably something that you should evaluate. Do you allow your outside life to interfere, do your moods shift with the wind? Are you overly critical and difficult to please? Do you stop using common courtesy when speaking to others? Are you argumentative? Are you boring? Do you ignore the other person’s ideas? So, if you are difficult to get along with, you should probably take a long look at your behavior, and change the negative aspects. No one expects you to be perfect, but you do need to be nice and courteous to others. (It’s just the right thing to do.) Besides, there is a reason Thumper said “If you can’t say nothin nice, don’t say nothin at all.”

Now, in the event that someone is being mean to you for no apparent reason, you are left with a choice. Man up, confront them, and be willing to accept the consequences, or let it go. This is where it gets difficult. There is absolutely no way to change someone’s mind about how they feel about you, if it actually has nothing to do with you. This is where evaluating your part in the situation comes in handy. You have to work to change the parts you are responsible for. This is all part of trying to be a better person. You are not responsible for how others feel about you. Frankly, it is none of your business. All you can do is be the best that you can be.

So, what now? What if you are in a relationship that is leaving you feeling bad? What if you are banging your head against a wall, trying to please someone, and they just don’t care? They do not see all the good that you do, how hard you are trying? Then, you have to ask yourself why are you staying in this relationship? Any relationship should be mutually beneficial. Yes, there are ebbs and flows, but in the long run it should even out.

This is where so many friendships falter over time. As people grow and change, sometimes they outgrow each other. You see, relationships take effort. If It takes two to tango, well, it takes two to be in a relationship. One- sided relationships are not actually good for anyone. Resentment builds and grows as the injured party becomes passive aggressive and then both people end up hurting.

Mentors can help in so many areas. I would think that they are generally someone older and wiser, who have something about life figured out. You can have professional mentors, mentors for your marriage, heck, you can even have people you look up to for advice on all your relationships. It is always helpful to be seeking enlightenment, and trying to be better. Be more. Do more.

So, as long as you are willing to do the work, and to look at yourself and your part in any relationship, then you are on a path of enrichment.

Do not allow hurt feelings to rule your actions. Take a step back and evaluate the situation. If the relationship is important to you, then you need to work it out. If it is not important to you, is it actually worth all the stress? Should you break free and run? Walk out with purpose? Glare accusingly at the person who “ran you off?” Probably not. You should never burn bridges. You should always leave the door open for reconciliation.

Knowing when it is time to say goodbye:

I have no idea how you know when it is right. I have no clue as to how to quantify your emotions. I do know that you have to take care of yourself, and keep your goals and dreams as a priority. It is okay if those goals change over time. We are in a constant state of evolution, and as we evolve and grow our goals should too. There is no shame in moving on.

Another Turning Point

~ ladyquirky ~ 1 Comment

It is interesting when you imagine all the decisions you make, as being turning points. Intersections. If you are lucky, there is a four-way stop enabling you to take a deep breath and analyze the choices.

I have made a decision to really devote some time to learning more about writing. I want to learn more about grammar, organization, and how to edit and refine my thoughts into a cohesive piece. Yes, I love my rambling musings, but I do not just want to write a diary. I want to learn to write with purpose. Even if the purpose is simply to entertain. (If you read my blog, you are aware I have a lot to learn.)

This is proving to be the thing that was missing from my life. A goal that was not centered firmly in my career. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my career. I love my job. Remember, it is the job. However, in order to feel like I am a whole person, I need to foster outside interests. I need an avenue where I have unlimited potential, and where I will reap what I sow. I keep coming back to a common theme in my life. I want to be an artist. Now, considering that I have zero artistic talent, I should probably not set my sights on being the next Picasso.

So, what is the point? Why is this important enough to be mentioned in this blog?

Well, this blog has given me an outlet. Something that has infinite potential, and that can grow with me as I hone my craft. (That sounds rather self-important… Nyki, you are sounding like an asshole.) Well, surely you get my drift. It all sounds so serious. But, seriously, it is just so much fun. I am so excited to learn a new form of expression.

Here it is. I need something I can work on. I need to find a concrete avenue for my thoughts. I need to be more of a person. I cannot simply focus on the day-to-day life. I need goals and dreams. So, here goes nothing. I am going to work on this “hobby,” and see what I can accomplish. Maybe if I am lucky, I will manage to improve and write something worthwhile. Not too shabby of a goal.

Snow Day!!!!!!

~ ladyquirky ~ 1 Comment

Oh. wait. Nope. It did not actually snow that much. Oh, and ummm. I work in a hospital. I still have to go. Sigh. Groan. Fine. I’ll get up in a minute.

I wonder if it’s my turn on Trivia Crack… No. Sigh. Groan. Have you even seen Trivia Crack? It is better than Just about anything. No! I am not buying more turns. Somebody ask me to play!!!! I need to have a bunch of games going. I miss Words with Friends. But, one day I found that cheater app and then, I was compelled to use it. SO, it lost allure. (If I was playing you, and all of a sudden my skill level jumped… sorry. I cheated. I feel guilty. Well, a little guilty. It’s just a stupid phone game.)

Cheating. Ruins. Everything. While you may have started out innocently needing some help because all you had were H’s and U’s… Then, you find yourself being too lazy to think, impatience is bred by instant gratification. It is hard to go back. Finding a convenience is a slippery slope. It is kinda like our contact lists. I do not know ANYONE’s phone number anymore. If I ever found myself without my phone, and in need of calling someone, I would be so screwed.

I no longer feel the urge to learn directions I can use the map on my phone, get turn-by-turn directions, (I don’t have to think at all!) and while this has alleviated some of the stress in my life, I am vulnerable. I am actually dependent on my iPhone for EVERYTHING. I do not know my log in or password for most of my accounts, because I have them tied into an app. It is actually not an option to switch to a different brand of phone. Nope. I am going to have to stick with Apple. (Thanks for that Steve Jobs. By making my life easier you have ensured that I will always be buying the newest iPhone, and I have even developed a complete disregard for how much money I have dumped into iTunes. Yep. You were a visionary. A master of entrapment.)

So, I try to live my life with the ideal that anything worth having is worth working for. (Or, at the very least worth paying for.) This is why I never seem to get ahead. It never matters how much money I make, I always find something I NEED to make my life easier. Maybe making life easier should not be the point. (No, that is crazy talk. Hush your face!!! Someone is going to hold you to that ridiculous statement someday.) Okay, look. I am a sucker for things that save time and resources. Even if the resource is just a little bit of effort. Save steps! Don’t waste energy. Now, I find myself purposefully taking the long way around things, just trying to get in my fitbit steps (except, every time I am getting a whole bunch of steps in, I forgot to put it on!)

I am really trying to be mindful, and live a balanced life. I am trying to find new endeavors. I am trying to have something interesting to say. If I focus too much on one aspect of my life I have nothing to talk about. Worse, I am trapped. For example, if all I ever do is work, then work is the only thing on my mind. Every phone conversation is reduced to talking about my job. The only thing i can write about is work. That is boring. I do not want to be boring. I want to have hobbies and interests. I must avoid the tendency I have for developing tunnel vision. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. This has not worked for me. (Why don’t you expand on that, Nyk? Don’t just throw the statement out there and move on….)

So, here goes…

I tend to be a little obsessive. If I find something I like, I cannot do it just a little bit. No, it becomes my entire focus. I become driven. I become annoying. I tend to fixate on things and actually manage to completely ruin them by making them THE ONE TRUE THING!!!!! The only thing I think about. I ponder, research, and worse…. talk about whatever it is that managed to come into my head. I find myself fitting the obsession into every conversation. I am like a teenager with a new boyfriend. It becomes all I can talk about. I forget that other people are not obsessed with whatever thing it is. I become inconsiderate, and I stop having real conversations. Everything is focused on me trying to analyze this new issue. This life changing situation. It makes me become a selfish, self centered prick.

This is where balance comes in. I have to be present, and allow new things to enter my life. I have to be engaged with others. I need to listen to their stories about what they love instead of just trying to perfect my own stories in my head. I tend to think about the best way to tell people about whatever profound idea I have found about my obsession to the point that I stop listening to their stories. All I can think about is ME!!!

Now, I think this is human nature. I honestly believe that most people have a little bit of this. We all have that friend who has gotten trapped in the fantasy of becoming a millionaire with whatever build- your- own- business- by- selling= this- product. You know what is funny? These multilevel marketing schemes are destined to fail. If I convince all of my friends to sell the same product I am selling, then I am going to run out of people to sell my crap to. Most of the people I know, know most of the other people I know. So, if we are all selling this stuff, who are we going to sell to? FaceBook proves this for me. You know that feature that shows you how many friends you have in common? I mean, if none of my “friends” knew each other, who would we have to gossip about? (For the sake of my reputation, I am going to say I NEVER participate in gossip. It is mean. We are actually just sharing concern for the people we know. Yeah, there, that is better.)

Oops. I was trying to find a topic, and to stick with it. How on earth did I go from SNOW DAY to multilevel marketing? Oh, well. I want to talk about this more. We all have those people in our lives who go on and on about whatever new kick they are on. Oh, you read a new self help book? PLEASE post your keen insights about how it manages to be applicable to EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT AND OBSERVATION YOU HAVE. Please post a thousand videos and memes about how you can apply the theory to your life and how it is going to make it better. Or, you decided to get a job in sales? Please only share your new insights and techniques 600 times a day. You found religion? Please let me know on FB how it applies to your life, my life, your career, my hobbies, my cat, Asia, the government…. Please Please only talk about that all day long every day. You know why? Because I do it too. We probably all do.

So, here is what I think I should do. I am going to start being present in the moment. I am going to allow myself to have new experiences. I am going to actively seek new interests. Instead of trying to know EVERYTHING about one particular subject. I am going to focus on knowing some about a lot of different things. I am going to try to not be obsessive. Until I become obsessive about not being obsessive.

Gee, it really is hard to not obsess. How can I force myself to not be so focused? Now, I am going on and on about not being obsessive.

Well at least today is a SNOW DAY! Oh. yeah, I forgot, it’s not. oops.

*This is so random. I probably should not even post it, however… I really don’t want to continue to obsess over not having obsessions so, I am going to hit the publish button anyway.

**You know, so I can stop obsessing and be balanced. I wonder how many times I am going to talk about balance now. Maybe tomorrow I can talk about cat videos. I am sure I have never mentioned that before.

***Damn! Now, I am obsessed with cat videos. Why can’t I have any moderation at all???

****Ellen likes cat videos. I wonder if Sandra Bullock has decided to be my friend yet.

*****See what I did there?

 

****HAHAHA! This was written so poorly that word press interrupted my posting to ask me if I would rather use the proofreader first!!!!