Author: ladyquirky

Learning to live life as an adventure.

Finding Diners

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Cooking. Ugh. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I hate it. I don’t enjoy the fruits of my labor. I do not even like eating the concoction I have created. It is a nightmare.

Living far from home has left me a little hungry. They don’t even have real Mexican food up here, forget about the abomination of Tex-Mex, which I love. I mean seriously love.

There is no United to get a breakfast burrito. They have Taco Bell but I cannot handle that nonsense. So, I have to rely on finding comfort food in other breakfast dishes. I have found three diners I like up here.

One has an omelette I like. They put onions in the potatoes and they remind me of my Mamaw’s. The omelette I get has spinach, mushrooms, and cheese. It is a great breakfast. The diner is comfortable and the servers are always nice and attentive.

The next diner is where I go when I want eggs, bacon, toast, and the let me get one pancake and one slice of french toast instead of making me choose. It’s funny I prefer eating with other people who like to order one of those since all I really want is a bite. Usually my eggs are runny and perfect, exactly the way I like them.

The third diner is a greek place. I get eggs Benedict and lamb there. I have no idea why. I did not even know I liked lamb.

I am going to start branching out more on my days off. I am making a decision to be a little more adventurous in my dining habits. I tried to pretend I was going to cook more and it only lasted about two weeks. I hate cooking.

P.S. I should probably go visit Gym but my knee has been sore for several weeks. I am not sure if I am just using that as an excuse so I am making a commitment to go this week when I am not working. Wish me luck.

It’s Just a Job

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

  Sometimes I find myself wondering what I want to accomplish professionally. I honestly have no idea. 
I enjoy the work. I get a sense of personal satisfaction when I feel like I have been useful that day. I love it when I get to spend time with interesting patients and they share their past adventures. I feel accomplished when I am able to work as part of a team to improve patient outcomes. Basically, I like what I do for a living. 

Not that I like all of it. I HATE my pager with every ounce of my being. I hate it so much. It is bulky, ugly, and difficult to read. It always goes off when I am least prepared to return the phone call. I am almost always put on hold when I call back, and in case I have not made it clear, I hate my pager. 

I get frustrated when I don’t have a solution to a patient’s or nursing issue. I am left feeling inadequate and it makes my day much less pleasant. Sometimes I wonder if I am just a terrible communicator. I feel like I am a failure when I can’t seem to make someone understand my limitations and how I am trying to resolve the issue. I try to avoid becoming defensive and snarky, and I believe I have gotten better. It’s still hard some days. 

I like the freedom I have now that I work as a locum. I can make plans and I don’t have to worry about asking everyone if it is okay. I just let people know my availablity. Now, with that freedom I have lost a little security but I feel like it is a fair trade. 

So, what do I do when my life is no longer completely dictated by my job? Constantly stress about whether I am working enough. Wonder if I should be working harder. Obsess over whether or not my intentions are justifiable. It’s exhausting. 

My job is directly linked to my ability to support my family and my ability to finance all of these adventures I keep going on. One of my greatest fears is not providing for my loved ones. In order to take care of everything, I have to be employed. I have to earn a living. 

I am trying to learn to let my job be just a job. It does not have to define me. I get to decide what parameters I want to judge my success by. This could get interesting. 

I Choose

~ ladyquirky ~ 7 Comments

He wants me to smile sweetly and be carefree. Don’t rock the boat and maintain a calm, cool, and collected attitude. Don’t give people dirty looks and always be friendly. Go with the flow and relax. My hair should always be forced into submission using superheated ceramic plates and hurricane force winds from the hair dryer. Makeup should be natural, yet perfect. Avoid garish colors. Don’t put those stripes in your hair. Clothing should be chosen carefully paying attention to detail and neatness should always be paramount. Comfort and function is not important.Don’t be so loud. Avoid profanity and callous language at all cost. Be polite. Professionalism is always required. Carry yourself like a lady at all times.

She wants me to be strong and to demonstrate my inner feminine badass. Don’t stoop to acting like a weak little girl. I am not a doormat, do not allow anyone to walk all over me. Live life offensively and not defensively. As a woman, I should be using my voice to enact change and lead a revolution. Fight against injustice and demand respect. I can wear any clothes I want to wear and  the more shocking the better. Makeup is used to draw attention to the face and to prove I can be anything I choose to be. I should not be ashamed of my sexuality and my desires. Do not keep my voice down, I deserve to be heard. Use any language to facilitate proving my point. I am not scared of anyone. I am woman, hear me roar.

I am supposed to be brave yet cautious.

I am supposed to be concerned with my appearance yet self-depreciating.

I am supposed to be respectable yet be myself.

Generous and charitable while avoiding being used.

Smart yet teachable.

Confident and humble.

Strong and independent. Wait, unless someone wants me to be docile.

Clever and funny but not vulgar.

Opinionated yet deferential.

When I try too hard to meet the expectations everyone else has for me, I end up confused and unable to act. I find myself unable to make simple decisions. I become desperately unhappy.

I find it difficult to be everything I assume people expect of me. This is why it is important to surround ourselves with people who like us exactly as we are at that moment. Today, I choose to be me, authentically. 

Time Marches On

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

  

  I don’t know if my son knows exactly how I feel about him. Sure, I tell him “I love you.” I hug him and I have always done my very best to support him. 

The problem stems from my inability to fully comprehend how quickly he is growing up. He has his own plans and dreams. He knows what he wants his world to look like. All I know is how my world changed the moment he came into it. It was not an instantaneous miracle, it was a subtle shift in my priorities. I could no longer make decisions about my life without considering how it would affect him. I was no longer my only priority. 

If I am being honest, there is a selfish part of me screaming for him to stop growing up already! It’s horribly unfair. These little guys come tearing into our hearts and all we get is the promise of abandonment long before we are truly ready. 

My son has never been truly mine. He was always his own person and sometimes he would generously allow me a little peek into his world.  He is forming his own opinions and his world is different than mine.

We get to share our hearts with our children. If we are truly lucky, as I consider myself to be, we raise phenomenal people who will leave their own mark on the lives of others. I know he has left an indelible mark on me. 

I can’t stop time. He won’t allow me to wrap him up in bubble wrap to protect him from the world. My only hope is that he makes decisions that are true to his heart and that he experiences life as fully as he wants to. 

I am lucky. I have this amazing kid who is rushing headlong into adulthood. I hope he savors these last couple of years of adolescence. I want him to love and be loved. I want him to look out at the world with wonder and not be afraid. 

I will always strive to be his safe harbor. The person in the world who loves him more than anything. I will be as open minded to his dreams as my heart will allow. I promise to support his desires and to help guide him the best way I know how. While he is not my possession, he stole my heart the day he was born. 

When I watched him walking into airport the other day I was overcome with emotion. I was proud of his independence and I was missing the little boy he was not very long ago. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not rush after him to make sure he could navigate the airport. (He’s a smart kid, obviously he had no problems.) 

He does not need me to hold his hand anymore. He knows how to look both ways before he crosses the street. I know because I watched him do it. I have to have faith in the lessons our family strives to teach him. I have to believe we are raising a good man. 

So, I’m not going to waste time crying over losing my little guy. I am going to celebrate his journey into manhood. However, if I am being honest I wish it took a little longer. I just don’t know if I am ready yet. 

Vacation. All I Ever Wanted

~ ladyquirky ~ 3 Comments

  
Hanging out with my favorite guy in The Big Apple. Having a blast. 

I want to talk about the 9/11 memorial. It is hauntingly beautiful. It was hard to keep my composure as I relived the fear and horror of my country under attack. 

My son was still a toddler, and he has no idea what the world was like before. We went from being a sheltered nation to a nation on the same level as the rest of the world. We are not immune. 

  Watching my son viewing the world from the top of The Freedom Tower, I realized I have a responsibility to do every thing in my power to make this world better for him. I don’t believe I can change the whole world however I can be kinder and more responsible to those around me. Just think, what if we all made that promise? What if we made it our mission in life to be kind? To help others? To be inclusive instead of exclusive? 

I want the world to be a gentle place for my boy. I know that sounds naive and simple. I just think it would be nice. 

Tinder Scars

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

   
 
Okay. I need to know- seriously! Does this work? Ever? 

Then, there was this guy… 

 
I’m sorry, but do what??? When I am passionate? WTF? We had been having a very nice discussion about French Bulldogs VS English Bulldogs. How did we go skidding off the rails here? 

Guys, if you can’t even maintain polite conversation long enough to get me to agree to go out with you, how on earth are you ever going to convince a girl to actually sleep with you? It’s not that hard! Be polite! A little mystery goes a long way. I don’t want to meet your penis before I meet your face! 

So, chances are- I need to deactivate Tinder. I’m not this kind of girl. I’m a nice girl! Well, mostly. That’s not the point. 

Gross. Stop trying to send me pictures of your little friend. I’m good. In fact, I’m more than good. I’m all set. I can find those all on my own if the mood strikes. 

Tinder, you have scarred me for life. 

Tinder Talks

~ ladyquirky ~ 4 Comments


I do not even know where to start. Did you seriously just ask me if I like cuddling? What kind of question is that? I thought we were on our way to having a nice conversation about work. I was all geared up to explain more about what I do. Then, he had to ruin the whole conversation. Instant turnoff. “Do you like cuddling?” I guess this explains that service where you can hire someone to come spoon with you. Sorry buddy. I don’t give my cuddles to just anyone.

Then, the other guy… WHAT? Indubitably? Ugh. The pretentiousness of this dude is so thick I doubt I could ever get passed it. He may have been trying to be charming and cute. It is a shame he failed so miserably. He never recovered. Unmatched.

Keeping in mind, I am not looking for Prince Charming. Nope. Not at all. I just kinda want free dinner. Which is going well. I have met or have plans to meet several people. I don’t even know if I would call this dating. Perhaps it is just socializing. It is fun. Life does not have to be so serious.

I have even met a guy I really like. Tinderbabe. Ha! He just laughed when I told him his nickname. He is cute, smart, and funny. Who else do we know with those traits? We have a lot of similar tastes in movies and Netflix, so it works. I am comfortable and myself when I am with him. I feel like I have made a new friend. He even watches Downton Abbey with me. How freaking sweet is that? I am glad I swiped right on him.

If I am being honest, the only thing Tinder may be good for is an ice breaker. I am not going to pretend you can get to know someone on Tinder. For the most part, these are strange people with some interesting proclivities. There are several people looking for BDSM friends (I cannot figure out another way to word that), a dude looking for toes to suck (I failed to get a screen shot because I swiped left so fast), a guy just wanting to give massages (with no reciprocation required???), and many married looking for a third or FWB.

Some of my complaints.

  • Pics that are blurry and group pics. It is rude. Why even post a pic if you can’t tell anything about you?
  • Memes instead of pics. Again, what is the point?
  • Photos of your children. Are you using your kids to catch women? That is gross.
  • Incessant sexual innuendo. I have actually just started telling people I don’t appreciate it. Sometimes they stop and we can have a pleasant conversation. Other times, they have to get unmatched. I don’t have time to constantly redirect you. I believe I made it clear up front I am looking for people to hang out with, not a string of one night stands.
  • Married men looking for FWB. I don’t like it. I don’t care if you say your wife is cool with it. I still find it creepy.
  • Drug references. Are you not presentable at all? Why would I want to go out with you?
  • Repeatedly asking how I am and never the conversation never going anywhere. SAY SOMETHING!
  • Typing ‘U” instead of you. Are “U” that busy?
  • Only messaging me after 11:00 at night. Clear message for a booty call. No thank you.

Tinder is a quick and convenient way to meet people. Social media is strange. The common decency filter is often removed and replaced with inconsequential communication. Most of the people I communicate with are not people I would EVER date. I guess I am just as guilty as these guys are. I am using them for distraction and entertainment just as much as they claim to want to use me.

Let Go

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

  A year ago I thought I was doomed to be a complete failure. I had no idea what my next move was going to be, and I was certain I was never going to amount to anything again. I was heartbroken, ashamed, and more than a little lost. The only thing I knew for sure is I did not want to let go and move on. 

The next four months were torture. I woke up every day afraid this was going to be the day the other shoe dropped. I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I had no idea what solid ground felt like anymore. 

I had become jaded and bitter. I had no hope for a brighter future. I was losing the thing I had pinned all my hopes and dreams on. I was a broken mess hanging on to my misery with resolution. 

I was destroying myself. Every day was worse than the next. I cried frequently. I lashed out at my friends and became unbearably passive aggressive. I was daring anyone to knock the rather large chip off my shoulder. I was willing to fight to the death to stay where I was no longer wanted. (Not by everyone, which fed the confusion. Somehow, I was only despised by some.) 

The people who love me were worried. I was slowly unraveling and I had lost all hope. Then, the other shoe dropped. It was not fair. I had to make some hard decisions. It was time to let go. 

Letting go sounds so simple. It’s not. The death grip I had on the past had frozen me in time. The pain I felt on a daily basis could be seen in every breath I took. I was losing part of my identity. 

It started with an email from a physician looking for help. Once I became used to the idea of changing jobs, the ball was rolling. I still struggled daily with the feelings of worthlessness. I figured if I could not make it at the place I felt most at home, I could not make it anywhere. 

Slowly, I started to find shreds of bravery. I got out of my comfort zone. I met new people. Made new friends. I learned how to let the walls down, even if it was just for a few minutes. I traveled around the country. 

The shift was subtle. It happened in fits and starts. I was slowly finding the courage to be vulnerable without destroying the relationships I was in. I was able to protect myself by being myself. I no longer had to wonder who I was supposed to be. I could be me. 

I have fought hard to find the woman I am. I have messed up a lot along the way. Sometimes I forget how unhappy I was. I find myself looking back and wanting to find a way to go home. 

I can’t go back. Not after all the growing up I have done this year. I can’t be that girl anymore. 

She would have given anything for life to stay exactly as it was. She was too afraid to let go. I’m glad the other shoe dropped. 

Walking through Memories

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

 Looking back on the past can be dangerous. I tend to either romanticize or vilify all the characters of my personal story. People have drifted in and out of my life and I have to say they have all left a mark on who I have become. Some people left me with nothing but fond memories and we simply drifted apart. Others left me with wounds and scars, which eventually healed despite my best attempts to delay closure. I compare every situation to one of the unhappy endings, which allows me to justify my stubborn nature. I am not about to compromise on anything for anyone.

This is my mistake. I use the past as justification for continued unhealthy behavior. Sure, I have made some bad choices when it came to people, however this does not mean I am entirely incapable of maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.

When I look back on previous “relationships” (which should be in quotes because I am not going to act like I have had any great love affairs) I realize I was never actually invested in getting to know the other person, nor was I interested in finding out who I was when I was with them. I was always looking for a reason they were not THE ONE. You know which one I am talking about. I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable until I knew it was forever. I was not going to invest anything into the relationship until I KNEW!  I was so cool, I was freezing them out.

I could go off and allow myself to feel all unworthy and unlovable, or I could be reasonable and consider my responsibility for these failed relationships. Trust me, I was not easy to deal with. On a good day I am high maintenance. If I don’t like you, I am insufferable. However, I am not broken beyond repair. I am not some unlovable freak who no one wants to be around.

So, what is the point of all this reminiscing? Should I beat myself up because I could not figure out intimacy sooner? Remember poor Bridget Jones and her stack of self-help books? That bullshit is not the way to achieve good mental health.

Personally, the path to health comes from a dedication to being honest with myself. I have never experienced a period of my life that was either completely magical or utterly dismal. Nope. Everything is a lot more moderate. I think life tends to ebb and flow through various stages of comfort. Even on my worst day, I can find something good that happened. The best days still have annoyances. The key to my happiness lies in my ability to keep things in perspective. This includes the past! 

I have no intention of spilling all my deep, dark secrets here on my blog. The details are not important. Everyone has things they are not proud of. It is imperative that I allow myself to be multifaceted and to celebrate the lessons I have learned. I have never had anyone important to me demand perfection. Nope. For the most part, the assholes were not in my inner circle. So, why would I care what they wanted from me? The people who matter have liked me for who I am, not what I should be. 

Despite my failure to successfully engage in this whole relationship thing, I cannot employ that excuse to avoid intimacy. Then I would be robbing myself of potential greatness. Every relationship does not have to be perfect. I can learn to be myself and enjoy someone else’s quirks. I can let them see my unique place in the world.

I can trust people until they give me a reason not to. There must be a way to protect yourself and still drop the coat of armor enough to let someone in. I am interested in seeing what that is like. I wonder if the scary ever dissipates.

I have to stop telling myself strength comes from not needing other people. The real courage comes when you allow someone to penetrate the prickly outer shell. I can only learn from the past if I am willing to venture out and be bold. Remember, this is my adventure. I don’t want to miss it all because I am too scared to take the leap.

 

Winter Wonderland

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

  I am sitting here in a cafe, enjoying a cup of coffee, and watching the wildlife frolicking in the little pond across the way. 
The sun makes the snow sparkle. It is oddly comforting. I feel the urge to bundle up and go out to enjoy the frigid beauty. 

This is my year of adventure.