Category: Random Musings

I may have a problem

~ ladyquirky ~ 1 Comment
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This is less than half of the books. They are mostly double stacked. I have to finish putting together bookshelves. I have an obsession with words.

I love books. I love the paper, the binding, the way the pages feel under my fingertips. I love to see a word I do not know, and to look it up so I figure out a meaningful way to use it.

I had a LOT of books. Then, my next door neighbor died and her brother gave me all of her books. She had the same problem I do. Too many books! What??? You can never have too many books! Shut your mouth. 

I am not sure how many books I own, and I must start cataloging them. I refuse to part with my lovely treasure trove of knowledge.

Why on earth do I love books so much? They are someone’s heart and soul, graciously shared with me. It is an honor to read someone’s passion. You never know what kind of message you will find.

I want to write a book. I have started a story I am very attached to, however I don’t want to ruin it. So, I hesitate. I continue to think of little blurbs I can post on this blog. I chastise myself for my cowardice. Why can’t I just write the story?

Because I love the characters. I want to do them justice. Except the daughter in law. I plan to kill her off. I don’t like her. Why would I write a character I don’t like? To maintain credibility. There are lots of people in the world I don’t like. 

So, what to do with all these books? Oh, see that box there on the side? It is a bookshelf. I still have four of them in the boxes. I should just put them together. I really hate putting together bookshelves. I have only lived here for almost four years, and failed to put them together yet. Sigh. 

So, I guess I should get busy. They are not going to build themselves… although, wouldn’t that be cool? Maybe I can find a witch to put a spell on my apartment, like Beauty and the Beast. Or not.

What books do you love? How do you keep up with your library? What is your ideal home library? Personally, I fantasize about the magical room I could have. Surrounded by books. Endless possibilities. Billions of words. A girl can dream.

Life is a highway.

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment
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The Lone Star State. Map from geology.com

I have spent my entire life as a resident of Texas. I am now considering a new adventure which could lead to more exploring of this great state.

There are so many reasons why I should stay put, and enjoy the life I have built here in West Texas. I have good friends, my family is here, and I am scared.

I do not pretend to be this wall of self-confidence, and most people who know me understand I am generally wracked with self- doubt and negative self-talk. (How many times can I hyphenate self-words in one sentence?)

I was talking to one of Tough Mudder Buddies recently, and he was talking about his job search. He was explaining how he felt he needed to be ready for certain positions, and I came up with some profound statement about how when we wait until we are ready, we never do anything. It’s true.

I have never been “ready” for anything to happen in my life. I have always been a little scared of the unknown, and more than a little nervous at the prospect of change. I am working to overcome this.

There is this little ridiculous part of me which makes me feel somewhat disloyal when I seek to make changes in my life. As if I am not appreciative of what I already have. This is silly. Why would I think this way about myself? I certainly don’t begrudge others when they seek to improve themselves.

It’s time to see what the world has to offer. It is time to see what I am capable of.

I owe it to myself, and to all the people who have taught me.

I was given an amazing opportunity, and I learned so much. I was afraid of that challenge too. I am heading into this with an open mind, and an open heart. I need to allow myself to honestly evaluate if this is a good opportunity for me and my career.

There are a lot of important factors to be considered. I am going to seek the counsel of my mentors and family. I know I can look at these situations objectively, and I know I have the ability to make wise and appropriate choices.

I just need to remove fear and self-loathing from the equation.

Dress shopping for the bigger girl

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment
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It’s hard to feel beautiful in a dressing room.

I needed an outfit. I was going to get pants and a top. I did not like anything at all! This was my second excursion for this occasion, and I needed to find something today.

So, I wandered around the store aimlessly, gazing longingly at the door that would lead me to the safety of my Jeep. I had to find something comfortable, pretty, professional, and something I would wear out in public.

Finally, I saw a couple of dresses that remind me of my wrap dress that makes me feel so confident. I tried on the first one. It was okay, but a little too big. (I cannot explain how happy things being too big makes me.) So, we tried on a second one. Hmm. It’s okay. I need Spanx though. Put on Spanx and put it back on.

How do the girls look? Not bad. Is my butt too big? Yes, but nothing you can do about that today.

So, what is the lesson? It is hard to buy clothes when you are not happy with your body. Yes, I have made progress, but I am certainly still under construction. I have to give myself a break. I think this dress looks nice, and I feel like I can be proud to walk around in it.

Sometimes, it is not whether or not I feel pretty, but whether or not I feel confident. I am going through a lot of changes in my life, and I need to dress the part of the woman I want to be. I used to say I wanted to be thin enough to wear a dress.

I am not sure how thin that is, but I am wearing this dress.

I have a tendency to find the things about me which are less than desirable. So, in order to make shopping a little less painful, here are some strategies I employ.

  1. Make friends with the sales people.
  2. Tell them you want honest feedback.
  3. Do not go shopping overly hungry or tired.
  4. Laugh at the disasters. Everyone looks ugly in some things.
  5. Celebrate when something makes you feel good.
  6. Accentuate what you like about yourself.

Most importantly, if you want to wear a dress, buy a dress.

Tomorrow, shoe shopping…

The Great Flood of Lubbock, Texas

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments
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Photo credit: Me- 5/28/2015 The Great Flood of Lubbock, Texas 2015

Wow. It is really raining hard. I am not about to complain. We are recovering from a terrible drought that I was afraid would never end.

In West Texas, we love rain. The only bad part? Our infrastructure is woefully unable to handle much precipitation at one time. Yes, we are those annoying people who cannot drive in snow, wind, rain, or fog. People rush to the grocery story the second we hear bad weather is approaching.

So, now there are tornado warnings south of where I live. I am hoping for no damage, and hoping my neighbors all stay safe.

Other than that, I am ecstatic for all the lovely wet stuff pouring from the sky. Stay safe my friends.

 

Contrition and Evolution: Actually, sometimes I am just a jerk.

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

IMG_9249It is not particularly unusual for me to make an ass of myself. I do it all the time. I laugh, you laugh, we all laugh. Unless, I accidentally really hurt your feelings.

Contrition does not matter if I do not have compunction and change the way I respond to others.  

In a lot of ways, ADHD does not negatively affect my life. That is, until I speak before I have time to think through the consequences of my words. It is not only my words, my face is unusually expressive, and my voice tends to be more forceful than I probably intended (sorry, I don’t hear very well.)

Obviously, if I think back on my actions later, I might feel a pang of regret. If I am lucky, I realize I was rude, sincerely apologize, and make an effort to make amends.

The real issue is when I justify my impulsive initial reaction. I find it interesting how easy it is to condone my own thoughtless behaviors by simply saying I did not mean for it to be interpreted however it was received. I did not want to hurt their feelings. Therefore, I am absolved of all guilt. After all, it’s not my fault they were upset. They should have known my intentions.

This is simply not acceptable. I should hold myself to a higher standard, and act with purpose instead of coasting through life, and anticipating most will disregard my spontaneous outbursts.

As I get older, I am more cognizant of the negative consequences of unintentional churlish interactions.

Sometimes, I pick on people. Not meaning to be cruel, it is just a way for me to show affection. If I have paid enough attention to you for me to observe your idiosyncrasies, then I must like you! I thought it was forgivable if I just laughed and insisted it was a joke. Well, jokes should bring joy, not pain.

So, perhaps the best lesson I have learned, is to act instead of react. I am going to take a moment to evaluate whether my thoughts on the subject add anything to the conversation, if my words are appropriate for the situation, and ensure the tone of my voice conveys my intent.

It can’t be that difficult to just not be a jerk. It is not fair to insist everyone forgive my self-centeredness.

*I am not always so careless, I just forget that other people can hear my thoughts if I say them out loud. How cool would it be if we had soliloquies, and complete control over whether or not other people actually heard the ideas that managed to escape our mouths? Perhaps we could be on a 10 second delay, and there would be a magic censor who could beep out inappropriate comments.

– Or, we can just act like grownups and be polite.

One more thing: I firmly believe people never hear what is actually said. They hear a few words get distracted, and fill in the rest based on their personal frame of mind at that moment.

It’s no wonder people get their feelings hurt, they don’t listen! See what I did there? I shifted the blame, to assuage my remorse. 

I rarely mean to offend, sometimes I just forget that words have a real impact on people. The children’s rhyme is wrong: Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can wound indefinitely.

It is difficult to admit I have asshole tendencies. It is embarrassing. So, perhaps the best thing… is to just be quiet.

 

You say you want a revolution…

~ ladyquirky ~ 1 Comment

Well, you know… we all want to change the world. (Not sure why this song is running through my head this morning.)

How did I forget I wanted to be a writer? I allowed stress to interfere with my goals! No more of that nonsense. Back to work.

Life is full of exciting opportunities, and it does not really take much more than an open mind to see what is out there.

How does one go about making potentially life changing decisions? Do you follow your heart and emotions? Do you attempt to objectively weigh the pros and cons of each choice? Do you seek the advice of a trusted mentor? Flip a coin? (and then keep flipping until you get the option you want? 2 out of 3 anyone?)

I am somewhat certain it is a combination of all of the above. The most important thing for me is to simply give myself permission to evaluate the choices. The tendency to avoid change is hard to overcome. Am I selling myself short?

Remember when I kept saying I wanted to go on adventures? If that is true, why do I find myself avoiding them? It is time to see what is out there for me. I cannot allow myself to be complacent. I have too much to do.

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I highly doubt it is going to be as dramatic as rowing off into a foggy unknown. For one thing, I doubt that a boat is actually a good metaphor for my life. I don’t even hang out on boats all that often. (Or ever! I never hang out on boats! I live in a pretty dry place.)

No, my life is more like a winding road. (I do love road trips!) I am ready for adventure. (Don’t worry, the adventure may leave me close to home.) The adventure could lead me to some travels though. I am not committing to anything just yet. I am going to explore all the options, and then make the best decision for my life.

Oh! One more thing. What’s the worst thing that can happen? I make the wrong choice? Well, that will just have to be a learning experience.

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I love Northern California. Stole this photo from:http://www.destination360.com/north-america/us/california/napa/highway-29

 

If I could do anything, I would…

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

IMG_9180If I were a truly brave person, I would live a life full of travels and adventures to wild and exotic lands. I would jump out of airplanes and ride a raft through the Colorado River. Climbing mountains would be just another afternoon for me.  I would not let anything stop me.

However, I am not a courageous person. I am terrified of heights, and not entirely certain I would enjoy an adrenaline soaked trip through the rapids. Nope. I am a chicken with a serious fondness for private bathroom facilities.

If I were not afraid of how it would all turn out, I would be a brave writer, pushing the boundaries of polite narrative, and I would set the world on fire with my keen insights and challenge societies to make a change. I would challenge the status quo, and I would surprise my readers with a gripping tale of redemption.

If I were not secretly painfully shy, I would sing at karaoke bars, shocking the audience with my fearless performance. I would be forgiven for my untrained warbling voice just because I was having enough fun for every one.

I would audition for leading roles on stage and film. I would fearlessly embody my characters, and tell stories that need to be told. I would inspire the masses and my Oscar acceptance speech would be remembered for years.

This would be a grand time, and it would be completely out of character for me. I wonder how close I can get, while remaining authentic to my true self.

Of course I am not going to do most of these things. I do not sing or act. I am certainly not going to jump out of a plane. Climb a mountain? Yeah, right. 

Are fears a manifestation of self? A protective mechanism of sorts?

Are all fears meant to be conquered?

Well, for now I will take it a little slower, and master the tasks immediately before me. I do not have to compete with others for personal achievement. I just have to do the best I can.

Maybe someday, the rapids will call my name.

Blue Bell disappoints me

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

I was disappointed to read reports this morning Blue Bell knew about the contamination at their plants.

Once again, this is another example of a broken system.

I consider the obligation to do your job well a critical part of being a member of society. It would be nice to find one nefarious villain to blame, however it will likely prove to be a system wide failure to ensure public safety.

So, is this going to prompt an overhaul of safety and sanitation procedures in all food preparation areas?

Some questions I would ask:

  • Is the process for sanitation too difficult to carry out?
  • Is there a better way to achieve sanitation?
  • Who is responsible for oversight?
  • Who failed to act on the report of contamination in 2013?
  • Will there be accountability?
  • What is the process in place for responding to reports of contamination?
  • What is the underlying issue here?

I am interested to see how this plays out, and I am hopeful that this will lead to changes in sanitation processes across the board. Food safety is something Americans take for granted. We are lucky, most of our food is considered safe. Maybe it is time for the public to start paying more attention, and to demand higher quality from our food manufacturers.

The FDA has information regarding this outbreak on their website. It appears to be kept up to date. The most recent update was 5/7/2015.

I hope this serves as a reminder, when people are at their job, they need to remain vigilant in protecting the public. We need to look into the system and policies in place, and make safety part of the culture.

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Image from The Weston Forum http://www.thewestonforum.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/38/2015/04/7233029_G.jpg

The bottom line should never be solely profit. It is imperative we make quality a priority.