Despite My Best Intentions

Despite my best intentions, my feelings are hurt. Just so you know. 

This is as honest as I know how to be. I try to be easy-going and patient. I try to remember it probably has nothing to do with me. Except it does. 

I get to be upset and disappointed when things just are not working out the way I want them to. I am allowed to be frustrated when you are emotionally unavailable. It’s hard enough with the distance and our crazy schedules. 

But I also know this is temporary. I will not always be working nights, in fact there is already an end in sight. I am also betting on the fact that if I am patient we can figure this out. 

Life gets in the way sometimes. 

I’m not saying I am ready to give up on this thing. I am not saying I want to fight about it. 

This guy makes me laugh. He has so many good qualities and we share so many of the same sensibilities. 

Walking away would be easy. Throwing a fit and putting out ultimatums would be a quick way to end this uncertainty. We all know how much I hate uncertainty. I want to know how this will turn out right now! I need assurances. I need to know. 

Except life doesn’t work that way. 

He’s not perfect. Neither am I. 

It’s okay for me to be unhappy about the situation right now. I guess when enough is enough I’ll decide what I want to do. I don’t have to lie and say I’m okay. I’m not. 

I will be though.