Despite My Best Intentions

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Despite my best intentions, my feelings are hurt. Just so you know. 

This is as honest as I know how to be. I try to be easy-going and patient. I try to remember it probably has nothing to do with me. Except it does. 

I get to be upset and disappointed when things just are not working out the way I want them to. I am allowed to be frustrated when you are emotionally unavailable. It’s hard enough with the distance and our crazy schedules. 

But I also know this is temporary. I will not always be working nights, in fact there is already an end in sight. I am also betting on the fact that if I am patient we can figure this out. 

Life gets in the way sometimes. 

I’m not saying I am ready to give up on this thing. I am not saying I want to fight about it. 

This guy makes me laugh. He has so many good qualities and we share so many of the same sensibilities. 

Walking away would be easy. Throwing a fit and putting out ultimatums would be a quick way to end this uncertainty. We all know how much I hate uncertainty. I want to know how this will turn out right now! I need assurances. I need to know. 

Except life doesn’t work that way. 

He’s not perfect. Neither am I. 

It’s okay for me to be unhappy about the situation right now. I guess when enough is enough I’ll decide what I want to do. I don’t have to lie and say I’m okay. I’m not. 

I will be though. 

Continuing the Conversation

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That’s not fair. It’s not like I lied to you. I didn’t know! I guess I could’ve lied to you. I could have pretended to love you. 

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I’m NOT going to dignify that with a response. YOU are the one acting like a petulant child. Stop talking to my friends about me. Stop talking about me. Period. 

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I did want to stay friends. You are the one making it impossible. This isn’t my fault. 

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I thought I did love you. 

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It wasn’t all a lie. I changed. You changed. 

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Seriously? You want to complain that I changed my hair? 

At least I am not the one who wore the same ugly gray POCKET T-shirt almost every single day. 

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What do you mean I wore the same dress all the time? No I don’t. Besides you like that dress. You always tell me how much you like it. 

Was that a lie? Who’s the liar now? 

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I did not sleep with him. We are friends! Besides, he’s married. You should know me better than that. 

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It doesn’t matter what I think of his wife. I’m still not that kind of girl. You are being ridiculous. 

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Oh! Really? You have PROOF? Whatever! It never happened. 

What kind of proof do you supposedly have? 

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That’s not proof of anything! Besides, that was two years ago. Why are you bringing this up now? 

I was the one trying to keep us together. I planned every trip. I made arrangements for every date. I even went with you to that stupid wedding in Iowa. 

You never did anything to make me feel like I was important to you. That’s why you don’t get to bring him up!!! Why do you think I spent so much time with him? At least he’s fun! At least he trusts me, which obviously you do not. It’s not like it would have killed you to go see Springsteen with me. I’m not apologizing for taking MY BEST FRIEND! 

I can’t believe I wasted so much time with you. 

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You are pathetic. Delete those pics of me. If I find out you showed them to anyone else- you will be sorry. 

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No. They don’t belong to you. You are so full of shit. You don’t know anything about the law. Don’t start spouting that stuff to me. Delete my pics! 

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I don’t want to talk anymore tonight. I have plans.

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It’s none of your business who I have plans with. 

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Go ahead. Call him. I’m sure he’s just dying to hang out with a loser like you. 

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How am I supposed to know where she is? It’s not like she and I update each other on our vacation plans. 

Of course she took the kids. She always takes the kids. 

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He and I can do anything we want. It’s none of your business. 

Stop talking to me. 

I don’t have time for you. 

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I never said I was meeting him. You assumed I was. Leave my friends out of this. 

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Maybe someone should call your mother. Apparently you are unstable. I have to go. 

Can You Say Goodbye in an Email?

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We need to talk. 

I deleted your number. 

I moved all the photos of us into a different folder on my phone. 

The dried flowers were thrown out with the other garbage.

I tossed the fortunes from the cookie that seemed to be predicting a bright and happy forever for the two of us. 

Us. 

You were so surprising. Tall, dark, exceedingly and excruciatingly handsome. Funny and charming. You were educated in all the right ways. We had engaging, thoughtful debates about the state of the world. When you shared stories of your past I hung on every word. You never failed to surprise me with a clever plot twist. 

There was not a big fight. You didn’t fuck someone else and I wasn’t mistreated. I still enjoyed spending time with you. 

I just didn’t want to be an us with you. I didn’t want you to be in all my selfies. “Usies”- what a stupid word.  I did not want you to be the last first date. I wanted to be alone for a while. I wanted to flirt with that guy I dated in high school. I couldn’t  do that when I was with you. 

I wanted to travel with someone new. I didn’t  fantasize about building a life with you. I guess it’s safe to say I was bored. 

You didn’t do anything wrong. Turns out, I just thought I loved you.

I didn’t blame you for being angry. I felt guilty when you called my sister in tears begging her to help you win me back. The guilt didn’t last long though. 

Now, I feel pity. I am annoyed at the continued resentment. Why can’t you just put the past away? 

Delete my number.

Move the photos to a different folder on your phone. Delete the ones I never should have texted you. 

Why can’t you see? I only thought I loved you. It’s not the end of the world. It was fun while it lasted. 

Maybe I should feel more remorse. I just can’t help it. Can’t you just be a grownup and move on? It’s time to put it all behind  you. 

I’m sorry, I just didn’t really love you.