Empire State of Mind

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The world looks different 86 stories above the street. Despite the crowd of tourists I feel like we are the only two people in the universe. Picking out the most interesting views, wondering what lives are occurring behind the filmy windows of apartments, and watching the cars slowly advancing down the street. I have no worries at all. I reach out and his hand is right there. My fingers intertwine with his in a comfortable, easy grasp. I am having such a good time. 

The Art Deco lobby and the chrome finishes within the building shine brightly in the sunlight. I am reminded how small everything really is. This is just a moment in my life. Things will never be exactly like this again. I hope I can remember this feeling later. 

The Statue of Liberty is tiny in the distance. It’s odd how huge this sculpture seems in movies and on TV. From this vantage it is more simple. It is just a landmark. 

I have been excited about this weekend. It’s really our last chance to spend much time together before I leave the Northeast to head home. I am struck by my conflicting emotions. I can’t wait to go home and I am sad to be leaving him. 

This man has been such a good person for me. He has taught me about honesty and openness in relationships. I have learned more about communication than I thought possible. I have vacillated between fighting the ease of our situation and just accepting it for what it is. 

We have been dating since Valentine’s weekend. Our schedules have been a nightmare to navigate and we have just taken advantage of time when she was kind to us. There has never been any intention of this relationship being more than it is. We never pretended we were building a future together. We both dated other people. 

I always thought when you were in a relationship there were rules and expectations. Timelines that must be adhered to. I thought if I could not plan a future with someone, I should not be wasting time getting to know them. I thought emotional connections should be saved for people planning forevers. Relationships should be forced into submission until someone does something so egregious they can never be forgiven. 

I did not know I could have a healthy, loving connection with a man I would be leaving. I did not understand how investing in a relationship could be an investment in myself. 

There has never been any idea that this would continue after I go home. Life is not a movie. We are not going to decide to reunite and live happily ever after in the suburbs. 

I get something better. I get to know that perhaps you don’t only get one great love of your life. Maybe you can learn to love people while it lasts and appreciate the experience. I got to see how infatuation and all the mushy feelings I avoid can be fun and healthy. Those butterflies in my gut don’t mean I have to run away as fast as I can. 

I learned not all men are self-serving douchebags. I figured out how to move past my own insecurities and enjoy something as the reality it is. 

Love does not always mean forever. I was doing myself a disservice by feeling love was an anomaly that must be avoided. 

Yep, I did it. I loved and felt loved and I did not die. I believe I am better for it. I am no longer scared of being myself and letting someone in. I get to live for today and I am grateful. 

I will be leaving soon and I have a ton of happy memories of my time here. I will always remember this winter as a time full of new experiences and adventures. I will always think of my Tinderbabe and be happy I loved him. 

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