Distracted Adventures and Tales
My 17 year old was up before 5am.
Probably because we are headed to Disney World today!
Ty, Trevor and I are off for our big adventure, so be prepared for vacation ruminations.
I am stupid excited.
It’s gonna be great.
I am still procrastinating from packing. I hate packing. I hate it a lot.
My life has certainly not turned out the way I thought it would.
I never got to accept my Academy Award, which made the acceptance speech I have spent hours practicing in the shower a complete waste of time. (Oscar, Grammy, Tony… I wasn’t picky. I just figured I would win at least one someday.) Of course it doesn’t matter that I can’t sing, dance, or act. Those are minor details. The point is I fully expected to have a stage to stand on where I could thank all the folks who had made my success possible. Obviously I would have been exceedingly humbled and shocked by my win. I would have felt awestruck and I probably would have gushed about the amazing company I was keeping. I would have been charming and the darling of the paparazzi. I just know it.
I never traveled the world discovering buried treasure and dinosaur fossils that would unlock the mysteries of the meaning of life. Once again, it doesn’t matter that I would never have done the actual exploring necessary for these accomplishments. I just figured it was my destiny.
I never fell in love. That strange love they taught me to expect in all the movies. I never had a guy chase after me in a rain storm just so he can tell me he can’t live without me. I never walked down the aisle in a pretty white dress, blushing with happiness and excitement to start off on my new life with my Prince Charming. It goes without saying I am not the kind of girl who hangs out in a lot of rain storms, but that should not totally erase this experience from my life. The prince should have known how to find me. I’m the girl who ducked into a building to avoid the downpour. I wasn’t that hard to find. Besides, he could have looked for me on Tinder.
I never became a famous movie editor. I was also never the White House Correspondent for a major television network. I have failed to research and find the cure for cancer.
Despite all these things I have failed to accomplish even with my secret knowledge that was who I was supposed to be, I have managed to do many other things.
I found a career that allows me to support my family.
I have three of the most amazing little men in my life that I love, and they know I love them.
I have met amazing friends who make me laugh and call me princess.
I have managed to find a social circle at home that loves me exactly as I am.
I manage to find new adventures and I have overcome so many fears. I have finally managed to convince myself most of the time that I am not completely incompetent and inadequate.
I have learned to stand up for myself and to be brave and embrace who I am. I have learned to welcome my femininity while still being true to my inner tomboy. I can rock red lipstick and a baseball cap. I can be exactly me.
I have learned relationships are messy. I have learned to have good friends means to be a good friend. It also means I can let go of relationships that no longer suit me.
Mostly, I have learned that I get to be me. Even if who I am changes on a day to day basis. I don’t have to refuse to embrace new ideas. I don’t have to maintain the status quo. I can be whomever I choose.
As far as the acceptance speech goes, I’ll probably keep practicing. You never know.
I do not understand this election at all.
I never dreamed this would be the result.
Just gonna sit here in shock for a bit.
Why would you ever tell someone this?
Is there a difference between a speed bump and a speed hump?
Why have I never noticed this sign before?
This seems rather dangerous since it is in a no parking zone.
I guess you gotta hurry so you don’t miss your flight?
Who is in charge of coming up with sign wording? More important, can I please have that job? 
Am I the only one who finds this hysterical? Maybe I just need coffee.
Hehe. Speed hump. In the thru lane. Wait! It’s not a no parking zone. This changes everything! Do you have to have a handicapped sticker to partake? And what purpose does the tow truck driver serve in this scenario? Do you speed hump while he is towing your car? Is that an extra charge? How long does it take to speed hump? Maybe it’s a flat rate.
So many questions. Too few answers.
I’m just glad my checked bags were under weight.
Speed hump. Hehe. 
I’m not saying not saying I should demand a refund… but…
I just want to be funny!
I swear. That’s really all I want. Clever, witty, smart, humorous without seeming ridiculous.
So, I find myself reading the people that make me laugh. Augusten Burroughs, Jenny Lawson, Tig Notaro, David Sedaris, and even Dave Barry. (By the way, I have a postcard from Dave – if I can call him that, where he returned some fan mail when I was in high school. It was a highlight of my adolescence.) Not sure what that says about me, but there it is.
I listen to podcasts. I study. I think and I write. I try to avoid emulation.
Is this something that can be learned? I don’t pretend to think I could ever be a performer… I just want to write.
I want to be funny! There must be a secret magic spell I can utter and I will suddenly have the gift of humor.
Until then, I’ll keep trying.
Seriously, is it too much to ask?
That’s not fair. It’s not like I lied to you. I didn’t know! I guess I could’ve lied to you. I could have pretended to love you.
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I’m NOT going to dignify that with a response. YOU are the one acting like a petulant child. Stop talking to my friends about me. Stop talking about me. Period.
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I did want to stay friends. You are the one making it impossible. This isn’t my fault.
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I thought I did love you.
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It wasn’t all a lie. I changed. You changed.
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Seriously? You want to complain that I changed my hair?
At least I am not the one who wore the same ugly gray POCKET T-shirt almost every single day.
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What do you mean I wore the same dress all the time? No I don’t. Besides you like that dress. You always tell me how much you like it.
Was that a lie? Who’s the liar now?
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I did not sleep with him. We are friends! Besides, he’s married. You should know me better than that.
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It doesn’t matter what I think of his wife. I’m still not that kind of girl. You are being ridiculous.
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Oh! Really? You have PROOF? Whatever! It never happened.
What kind of proof do you supposedly have?
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That’s not proof of anything! Besides, that was two years ago. Why are you bringing this up now?
I was the one trying to keep us together. I planned every trip. I made arrangements for every date. I even went with you to that stupid wedding in Iowa.
You never did anything to make me feel like I was important to you. That’s why you don’t get to bring him up!!! Why do you think I spent so much time with him? At least he’s fun! At least he trusts me, which obviously you do not. It’s not like it would have killed you to go see Springsteen with me. I’m not apologizing for taking MY BEST FRIEND!
I can’t believe I wasted so much time with you.
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You are pathetic. Delete those pics of me. If I find out you showed them to anyone else- you will be sorry.
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No. They don’t belong to you. You are so full of shit. You don’t know anything about the law. Don’t start spouting that stuff to me. Delete my pics!
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I don’t want to talk anymore tonight. I have plans.
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It’s none of your business who I have plans with.
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Go ahead. Call him. I’m sure he’s just dying to hang out with a loser like you.
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How am I supposed to know where she is? It’s not like she and I update each other on our vacation plans.
Of course she took the kids. She always takes the kids.
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He and I can do anything we want. It’s none of your business.
Stop talking to me.
I don’t have time for you.
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I never said I was meeting him. You assumed I was. Leave my friends out of this.
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Maybe someone should call your mother. Apparently you are unstable. I have to go.
We need to talk.
I deleted your number.
I moved all the photos of us into a different folder on my phone.
The dried flowers were thrown out with the other garbage.
I tossed the fortunes from the cookie that seemed to be predicting a bright and happy forever for the two of us.
Us.
You were so surprising. Tall, dark, exceedingly and excruciatingly handsome. Funny and charming. You were educated in all the right ways. We had engaging, thoughtful debates about the state of the world. When you shared stories of your past I hung on every word. You never failed to surprise me with a clever plot twist.
There was not a big fight. You didn’t fuck someone else and I wasn’t mistreated. I still enjoyed spending time with you.
I just didn’t want to be an us with you. I didn’t want you to be in all my selfies. “Usies”- what a stupid word. I did not want you to be the last first date. I wanted to be alone for a while. I wanted to flirt with that guy I dated in high school. I couldn’t do that when I was with you.
I wanted to travel with someone new. I didn’t fantasize about building a life with you. I guess it’s safe to say I was bored.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Turns out, I just thought I loved you.
I didn’t blame you for being angry. I felt guilty when you called my sister in tears begging her to help you win me back. The guilt didn’t last long though.
Now, I feel pity. I am annoyed at the continued resentment. Why can’t you just put the past away?
Delete my number.
Move the photos to a different folder on your phone. Delete the ones I never should have texted you.
Why can’t you see? I only thought I loved you. It’s not the end of the world. It was fun while it lasted.
Maybe I should feel more remorse. I just can’t help it. Can’t you just be a grownup and move on? It’s time to put it all behind you.
I’m sorry, I just didn’t really love you.
This has been on the sidewalk outside the hospital for four days now. I know I should pick it up and throw it away, but now it has become a fascinating thing. I have wasted a lot of time pondering this situation. Maybe I just need a distraction.
How long is it going to stay there?
Why is no one else freaking out about this random empty liquor bottle?
Who threw it down? Why not just throw it away?
Who actually wants to drink this cheap, disgusting stuff?
Did they take a nip before entering the horror of the hospital? Did they need some liquid courage to enable them to walk through the doors and face their worst fear?
Did they need a shot after walking out to allow them to shake the overwhelming pain they experienced within the walls?
Perhaps they are just an alcoholic who carries around single servings of vodka.
Did they enjoy it? Is this the only one they had? Oh my god! What if they drink all the time and they are driving? That would be terrible!
Who drinks outside a hospital?
Can you really blame them? Hospitals are horrible places. No one likes going to the hospital. Well, no one sane.
I know! I should pick it up and throw it away. To be honest, I really don’t want to touch it. It seems gross just there on the ground. Someone may have dropped it in disgust. What if there is something toxic on it?
Besides, if it stays there long enough it has earned the right to stay there.
Folks, do me a favor. Don’t throw your empty liquor bottles on the sidewalk outside the hospital. It gives me entirely too many things to process.
Warm and fuzzy memories popping up on Facebook. Catching up with old friends. Seeing everyone post their wedding and baby pictures. Instagramming my martini (it was really good.) Sharing another photo looking out an airplane window.
We can share the mundane parts of our lives and our friends can get a little glimpse into what we do sometimes.
Unfortunately, this has led us to have hundreds of “friends”. People we probably would not even recognize if we saw them out in public.
It’s important to remember the people who are actually there for us. The people who would call us even if we disappeared from social media forever.
Maintaining relationships is especially difficult when you are rarely in the same place for more than a few months. It requires effort and a commitment to honesty. Unfortunately, it is also a two-way street. You may believe someone is a friend and it turns out they may just be a “friend.”
It’s funny how many different meanings the word friend has.
Are we completely devaluing the word friend? How do you separate each person’s role in your life? Does it matter?
Probably not.
Just make sure you let the people who mean something to you know. Don’t drop off the face of the earth. Be present and available when they need you.
Don’t keep your enemies closer than your friends- you may just lose the ones you really love.
And the difference with me is I used to not care. Stockholm let me go home.
-Jason Isbell
Sometimes it is easy to take home for granted. All the best people are there. My heart is there. So, I am constantly on the go, forever leaving my heart behind.
So I can stay in a hotel and experience beds not as comfy as mine. Internet connections that require a sign in at the most inconvenient moments. Too many meals eaten out. Laundry crammed into plastic bags. Running out of good books to read. Always leaving something behind.
Most important, I get to use toilet paper that apparently has a “subtle touch.” Let me tell you, it’s about as subtle as a scrap of sandpaper. I really want to meet the guy who came up with this name.
Maybe all my friends who call me Princess have a point; I am a little spoiled.
Wandering adventures are exciting and nerve wracking. Hanging out in airports and driving crappy rentals (unless you get lucky and hit the big time like I did this trip!) can wear on a person. I still wouldn’t trade it for the monotony of regular employment.
I just have to keep my anchor firmly embedded with the people I love. I need them to keep me moored. As long as I have this, I can safely explore and push myself to do more and see more.
Maybe I will even find more subtle touches.
The Accidental Boxer 