Robots chase me

~ ladyquirky ~ 4 Comments

My mind is somewhere else, juggling an ever-growing to-do list, listening for my pager, and checking my phone for the latest information about the world when I hear a loud whirring and impatient beeping behind me. Turning my head slightly to evaluate the potential risk for being run over by some random vehicle in this deserted hallway, I see an unoccupied filing cabinet racing along behind me. 

Holy shit! The office furniture is alive and it seems pissed. What the hell is this? My pace quickens and I race to the nearest stairwell to escape certain death. 

I have no idea what this giant box on wheels is doing. I have no idea where it has been or where it is going. I’ve never seen anything like this before. I’m certainly not going to ask anyone, what if this is simply a figment of my overactive, stressed out imagination? These people rely on me to make important decisions. Life and death stuff. I can’t let them think I am insane. My pager goes off and I promptly forget about my near-death experience. 

A few days later I see the box again, I am less startled and decide it must be no big deal. No one else even acknowledges its presence. I am obviously insane. Later that afternoon I see the box tucked into a little alcove in the hallway. It doesn’t occur to me it is the same murderous stalker I’ve been nervous about. It’s simply part of the environment. 

Later that day I see a woman typing a code into the keypad and see her open the door and remove a large stack of papers. This must be a medical records storage device of some sort. That night when the hallway is empty I stop to examine the device. Ah-ha! It’s like a Roomba! 

Now, so many questions remain. Where does this thing go? Does it go up to the floors? Can it maneuver in the elevator? Why did they purchase this? Is it really saving that much time? Who can I ask about this without seeming ridiculous? 

Furthermore, I find it moderately disconcerting no one would warn people of the automated robots who may be chasing them. 

Am I in danger of a hit and run? Can this machine sense when someone is standing in front of it? It appears heavy. It could really hurt someone. I am now convinced this is a machine of death. Just one more reason hospitals are indeed dangerous places. 

Did someone lose their job to this aggressive box of bolts? Who performs maintenance on this contraption? What is this all about? 

So many questions. No answers. I feel the need to investigate this further. To quote most of my favorite studies: further research is indicated. 

Say Nothing

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Silence is deafening. 

I would like to pretend the whole thing ended after a mature conversation between two adults who realized it was just not working out. 

Nope. That’s not what happened. Not at all. The last conversation I had with My Spy he said he couldn’t wait to hear more about Jazzfest and all the awesome bands I was now infatuated with. “Text me when you get to the airport.” 

So, I did. No answer. I wasn’t that concerned. He had been bad about texting for a while. I ignored it. Two days later, I was on my way back to Maryland. Remember this is the guy who used to call me when I was about to board a plane because he knows how much I hate flying. I texted him my flight information. No answer. 

I decided I was not texting again. I was not calling. We just talked about this a few weeks ago. I am not going to be the only who makes an effort. 

I even told him how much it hurts my feelings. That conversation was difficult for me, but it was important. I needed to make sure my expectations and needs were clear. 

I have a few theories about his sudden and total communication blackout. 

1. He’s just an asshole. 

2. He is lying in a hospital bed in a coma just waiting for his nurse practitioner girlfriend to come save him. 

3. He died and I should be making a donation to his favorite charity. 

I tend to think the first theory is the most likely. Either way, I have no intention of finding out. 

I’m not chasing someone and begging them to love me. I won’t sit around and pine for someone who isn’t totally crazy about me. I would rather be alone than lonely and “in a relationship.” 

I would like to say I am heartbroken and sad. That would be a lie. I am baffled by his behavior. I am not really surprised though. 

It turns out: you say it best when you say nothing at all. Keith Whitley may have been crooning a love song, but My Spy told me everything I need to know when he disappeared. 

*my mother gets credit for saying that line to me when I was telling her how baffling I found his behavior. 

*Is my life actually turning into a country song? 

Thanks Mom. 

Relatively Easy

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Wishful thinking is dangerous. 

It is easy to make excuses and pretend selfish behavior is okay. It beats the alternative. It’s better than thinking I am just not that important. So, I pretended everything was fine, until it wasn’t. I mean, come on, of course he really wants to be with me. It’s just his crazy schedule. What kind of nutjob wouldn’t think I am absolutely amazeballs? Sigh. 

It was easy to pretend it was all real, nevermind the fact I hadn’t seen him in two months, and he couldn’t be bothered to call when he said he would. 

It’s easy to pretend someone is fantastic when you never see them. He can be the proverbial “man of my dreams” when I don’t actually see him except in my dreams. 

It’s easy to fill in the blanks when all you have is a blank canvas, even if he seems to be full of promise and potential. 

It’s easy to believe he brings out a side of me that was hidden. 

It’s all so damn dramatic. 

Until it’s not. 

It’s amazing how two months ago I was convinced my life would be painfully and irreversibly altered if he wasn’t a part of it, and now I realize it’s actually better today. 

It was easy to push aside my ideas for how I want to live my life. I was perfectly willing to ignore all my grand ideas of fun and adventure for the hope of my idea of normal. I wanted to live up to the notion of what a woman should want. 

A real good woman wants a family and a houseful of children. She cooks fantastic dinners for her adoring husband, who slaves away earning a living to support his family. She can get a stain out of anything. She juggles everyone’s schedule and makes it look effortless, all while maintaining a perfect nude lip. She doesn’t want to go on trips just to see something new. She would never wear red lipstick during the day. She scours Pinterest for DIY projects she always completes beautifully. 

There is not a single item on that list describes me. I am messy, loud, and constantly looking for my next adventure. I like to experience things with lots of different people and can’t imagine devoting my life to just one relationship, romantic or otherwise. I wear red lipstick frequently, and have no intention of toning it down to fit in. 

So, why was I so fixated on the idea of becoming some other woman? Why do I have to constantly remind myself to honor my personality? How do you forget to just be who you are? 

Maybe it was the challenge. Perhaps the fantasy of too many Hallmark greeting cards took over. It’s possible I just wanted to feel like I am good enough. 

Too bad it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. I was ignoring who I am. The simple desire to be more can overwhelm even the most confident girl and we all know I am frequently a giant ball of insecurities. So, it was easy to convince myself to clutch to this idea. 

Funny, it didn’t have much to do with him. Ask me what I liked about My Spy. He made me laugh. He has a nice smile. He challenged me. That’s really all I can tell you. 

Once I got into it all, I just didn’t want to be that silly girl who flits from relationship to relationship. I didn’t want to be embarrassed because maybe I read too much into it. I didn’t want to appear to lack self-awareness. My flip flops are firmly grounded in reality. I certainly don’t live in some fantasyland of “not really relationships.” 

I could make excuses and justify the ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. “Relationships are hard.” That was my mantra. 

Maybe they shouldn’t be so hard. Perhaps forcing a square peg into a round hole isn’t a good idea. Maybe it’s not a hole after all. What if it is just room to grow and change? It’s quite possible I am not missing anything. 

It was relatively easy to ignore who I am. It’s shockingly easier to relax and be me. Let’s see how many more times I have to learn this lesson. 

Despite My Best Intentions

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment


Despite my best intentions, my feelings are hurt. Just so you know. 

This is as honest as I know how to be. I try to be easy-going and patient. I try to remember it probably has nothing to do with me. Except it does. 

I get to be upset and disappointed when things just are not working out the way I want them to. I am allowed to be frustrated when you are emotionally unavailable. It’s hard enough with the distance and our crazy schedules. 

But I also know this is temporary. I will not always be working nights, in fact there is already an end in sight. I am also betting on the fact that if I am patient we can figure this out. 

Life gets in the way sometimes. 

I’m not saying I am ready to give up on this thing. I am not saying I want to fight about it. 

This guy makes me laugh. He has so many good qualities and we share so many of the same sensibilities. 

Walking away would be easy. Throwing a fit and putting out ultimatums would be a quick way to end this uncertainty. We all know how much I hate uncertainty. I want to know how this will turn out right now! I need assurances. I need to know. 

Except life doesn’t work that way. 

He’s not perfect. Neither am I. 

It’s okay for me to be unhappy about the situation right now. I guess when enough is enough I’ll decide what I want to do. I don’t have to lie and say I’m okay. I’m not. 

I will be though. 

Fickle

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

But if you love him you’ll forgive him even though he’s hard to understand and if you love him oh be proud of him ’cause after all he’s just a man.

-Stand By Your Man, Tammy Wynette

It’s not simply a matter of caprice, this is not an unreasonable reaction to the situation. I don’t have irrational expectations. I’ve gotten over the hurt feelings. The idea I can fix this if I am just easy-going and flexible can be disregarded. Completely. 

I’m not Tammy Wynette. 

I am not the kind of girl who will sit around indefinitely wondering just what exactly is going on. I am not the girl who will continue to make excuses for someone else’s inconsiderate and inconsistent behavior. My patience only goes so far. 

Yes, I suppose I could try to communicate my feelings. Again. Why should I? Nothing changed when I did it the first time. I’ve been doing some reading and I do need to change some of the things I do. My attempts to avoid demanding and difficult behavior have stymied my ability to effectively communicate my needs. 

And that is the problem. If the thought of telling him how I feel and what I need leaves me anxious and dreading the topic, I don’t trust him to listen and respect me. I attempt to avoid vulnerability and it’s causing problems. 

I’m not Tammy Wynette. 

I’m cute, smart, and funny. I am not going to sit around waiting for you to throw me a bone. I deserve better. 

After all, he’s just a man. 

Contumacious 

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Stubborn. 

Strong-willed. 

Stuck.

For a person who lives a life that is constantly changing, it is humorous at how hard I work to avoid change. Seems counterintuitive, counterproductive, and contrarian. 

Stupid Tarot App and Horoscopes

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I have this app on my phone, Yes No Tarot. You pick from four categories, think of a question, and tap a card to get an answer. Supposedly the answer you get is the answer to your question. Nevermind if you ask the same question over and over, you will get a different answer every time. 

Let’s test this theory. 

Will I ever be ridiculously wealthy? 


I like this answer. Despite the fact that I am certainly not involved in restructuring failed companies, I am going to take this one. I am ready for the power brokers to come woo me. I’ll sit by the phone and wait for them to somehow find my pushy, charming personality. I feel like this could certainly happen. 

Let’s try that question again. 


I like to think I am kind and generous, and miraculous money would be nice to fall into. I would certainly not be opposed to focusing on people with housing challenges. 


Oh! Wow! Still a yes. I am feeling this bodes well for my future. People would be jealous if I were ridiculously wealthy. I wouldn’t mind keeping it a secret. I am not sure I am the person I would choose to be responsible for other’s finances, but okay. I guess if the iPhone app says I should do it, I can’t argue. 

Wanna see if the streak keeps going? 


Okay, I know I have an extraordinary amount of crap but can I seriously plan on a ridiculous amount of money to come from a yard sale? Oh. Wait. The yard sale is just going to plant seeds for slow growth. Sounds like a lot of work for seeds. Do I look like someone who enjoys gardening? Much less waiting. Hmmm. 


Bwahahahaha! Yes! Others should seek my financial advice. I make such good decisions. I’ve lose $25 on my Robinhood app. I certainly have the Midas Touch. 


Dammit! That’s what happens when I don’t quit while I am ahead. This is why I don’t need to hang out in casinos. 

I wonder what it says about my love life. Next question and category: Is My Spy the great love of my life? (Fingers crossed- I am pretty much crazy about this man.) 


These cards must be broken. I don’t like this answer at all. Maybe the app didn’t hear me when I said I am crazy about this guy. 

Let’s try again. 


What is this asshattery? I don’t live in a fantasy world! This game is broken. Let me try again. 


I don’t think I like this game right now. 


It’s still wrong! I already met him! What the hell? 

Maybe I need to consult a Ouija board. Surely that is more accurate. Wait. Do they even work when you are alone? 

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t believe in this crap. At least as far as my romantic future goes. Now, I may start consulting it more often in my financial planning. I liked those answers.  

Let’s check my Horoscope for tomorrow. I like to plan for the future. 

Hmmmm. I think this is good. Or is it bad? Is it all just games? OMG. This is why I shouldn’t read this crap. This could be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. He’s in it for the long-term, but does that mean he’s only in it for long-term games? If I didn’t know better I would be quite upset and sending him a diatribe of angry text messages. Surely he will check my Horoscope and understand instantly what he’s done wrong. 

Insomnia sucks. 

Tell Me About It

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I spend a lot of time awake when the rest of the world is sleeping. This leads to a lot of time for reflecting. Are we really going to call it reflecting? How about we be honest and call it overthinking, overreacting, and in general driving yourself insane.

What if the problem is not that I am overthinking? 

Sometimes another person’s behavior affects me in ways I wish it wouldn’t. Their inability or refusal to communicate hurts my feelings and I become frustrated and passive aggressive. No, apparently I am not enough of an adult to talk about it like an adult. I would rather make snarky comments. Apparently. 

Having an adult conversation about hurt feelings feels weird. I don’t even know how an adult is supposed to feel about things. The first moment of disappointment and my inner twelve year old comes leaping to stage ready for her melodramatic moment in the spotlight. Oh! Woe is me! My life is over. No one will ever understand what I am going through right now! No one has ever been through this. I’ll show him! This is all fine and good except no one, including me, has time for all that nonsense. 

So, I have to usher my little self off the stage, shush her, and give her something to distract herself with. Just so I can do all the grown up stuff I need to do. Every so often the twelve year old shouts out something to keep the drama stirred up, she hates to be ignored. She’s the one who makes the snarky comments and collects the shitty memes, just in case she needs to prove a point. No adult would ever do that. What kind of adult uses memes to communicate important things? 

If I read enough crap on Facebook, I will convince myself all men become amazing communicators when they really like a girl. They call, send flowers, text, move mountains to see her. They will eschew all responsibility to make sure they can be next to this girl. 

Now, I wouldn’t do that. Why would I expect a man to? Why does society expect me to have expectations I wouldn’t want someone to live up to? Worse, why do I find myself trying to expect those things? 

So, then I have not only an internal battle about my inability to commit because I don’t want the kind of relationship I think I am supposed to want, but I also struggle to define what behavior is acceptable. 

I don’t know what I want! That’s the whole point. 

I have determined some things are no longer negotiable though. You have to make time to talk to me. Maybe not every day, but most days. I have to make time for you as well. 

I like to be flirted with. I like to flirt back. It’s part of what makes relationships fun. I want to have this with the person I am in a relationship with. I don’t want to have to find it somewhere else. 

My schedule is crazy. Chances are his is too. This means we have to make plans. It’s never going to just happen to work out. It will take effort and planning by both of us. We both deserve for the other to be willing to make this effort. 

We have to care about the day to day stuff going on with each other. You should be interested in my life and I should be interested in yours. This is especially important if we can’t be together all the time. It’s going to require talking about things. Even the boring stuff. 

We have to respect each other’s need for space, while still being cognizant of the other’s feelings at that time. For example, if I am needing space that day but he is needing intimacy and closeness I should still be willing to reach out to him a bit despite my desire to avoid the world. We have to be receptive to each other’s clues. 

I am responsible for holding my inner twelve year old at bay, but I also have to protect her feelings. I can’t constantly place her in the position to be hurt and expect her not to act out. This is when the grown up me has to face the uncomfortable and be honest with myself. 

Sometimes it’s not that I am overreacting, sometimes it’s that I need something to be different. It doesn’t mean I am angry or that the other person is bad, it just means this isn’t working. We need to find a solution. Because that’s what grown ups do. Or so they tell me. 

Beginnings Before Endings

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I find it irritating that I am this old and I continue to see the same tired, old thought patterns that I have beat to death a million times. 

Wait. Before I continue please know- I am happy most of the time. I make reasonably good decisions more often than not. I have pretty good coping skills and I can almost always pick up on unhealthy attitudes and thoughts pretty quickly and I can work through them. I have had LOTS of therapy. I’m okay. 

Now, where was I? 

I am in a new relationship. It is so good, even if some parts of it are hard. For one thing, he lives two hours from where I am currently working on the East coast. Quite a trek to Texas, which is where I live. Happily. We are both very busy with our careers and our family. Working as a Locum means I don’t always know what my next move is going to be. I don’t even know if I have shifts in this area next month. So, I don’t have a concrete date for when I will see him again. This is stressful for me. 

Despite these irritations, I am excited and feel like this is a good relationship. He makes me so happy. Stupid happy. Giddy and giggly. Warm and fuzzy. Content. 

The problem is my tendency to get inside my head and allow past experiences to color the way I feel when I am not distracted by the real world. Frankly, this most likely stems from my relationship with my father. I had finally started to trust him and open up when I was banished from his life. I know, that sounds dramatic… but, that’s pretty much what happened. I am no longer his daughter. He has not acknowledged my existence in two decades. Yes, I have reached out. Multiple times via various methods. Nothing. It’s like I never existed.

 I know. It has nothing to do with me, it’s his shortcoming. It doesn’t mean I am not a good person or worthy of good things. I know that intellectually. I can explain it all in so many ways. Most of the time it works too. This is the benefit of all the therapy. I know how to deal with the negative thoughts. 

Look guys, whether it is intentional or not, when the one man in the world who should love you unconditionally turns his back on you, it leaves a mark. It’s almost as if it changes a girl on a molecular level. She may learn to appreciate all her good qualities and she may have other father figures who step in, but it doesn’t change the fact that she was inherently not worthy of you. She may learn to cope with the loss. She might even have a reasonable, healthy attitude about the situation. Unfortunately for her, there is always that little piece of her that is scarred. She will always be susceptible to feeling like she isn’t enough. Even if that is the most false statement in the world, she is at risk to always be searching for a way to earn love. Love will never be something freely given. She may never be able to simply accept it. She will always be watching for the ground to become a fault line and crumble beneath her feet. I’m not sure if anyone will ever convince her she can trust them. She will always know she was not good enough. She may overcompensate and become more successful than she ever imagined. She may do a phenomenal job at hiding her flaw, but it will always be there just under the surface threatening to expose her as the fraud she must be. It will be the most real thing about her. 

Despite all the good therapy and coping skills, and despite the knowledge I am indeed a good person, I am plagued by insecurities. I attempt to manage them by being selective about who I let into my life. I am quick to walk away and protect myself from being hurt. I have perfected the art of avoiding real attachment and intimacy. I even convince myself I am happier because of it. I sneer at people who are “in love.” Suckers. I tell myself I am too smart to depend on someone else to make me happy. I pride myself on the fact I do not need to be in a relationship. 

Nothing good ever comes from being vulnerable. Occasionally someone gets in, but mostly I fight it. I certainly don’t allow myself to be vulnerable in romantic matters. Nope. No way. Not me. If I find myself developing feelings for someone I promptly identify their sins to justify ending things. I am only interested in people I have no chance of being able to rely on. I never get my hopes up. I struggle to believe someone will not hurt me. I do not get invested, despite my feeble attempts to convince myself otherwise. I am not running, I am simply avoiding disaster! It’s called being smart. It’s not me, it’s you and I have all the evidence to prove it. 

I thought I had found the magic ticket. Date lots of people and avoid commitment. You can have fun and still not risk rejection. Don’t you dare hope for a happy ending and you will never feel cheated. Bingo! That was such a great idea. 

Until it backfired. 

I met someone who makes me want to be different. I find myself telling him things I don’t tell anyone. I laugh at his stupid, I mean hilariously clever jokes. I don’t find it intrusive when he contacts me. I don’t want to avoid him. He doesn’t get on my nerves. I like him. I enjoy him. He is brilliant, witty, sexy, funny, strong, reliable, clever, warm, caring, handsome and the list could go on… but you get the point. As a side note: he is often exactly right. I mean to the penny. It’s like he knows everything! 

I don’t want to spend time with other men. I only want to be with him. A lot. 

Admitting that was hard at first. I was scared he would not feel the same way. What kind of man would want to date only me? It’s funny because I was the one who insisted I was not interested in a relationship and he agreed to my terms. I mistakenly thought I had simply added one more opportunity for dinner and adventure. Ha! The jokes on me. 

So, now what? Remember that scar? It’s still there and I can’t hide it if I want to actually be present in this relationship. I have to own it and accept the fact that even if my father’s rejection wasn’t my fault, I am still affected by it. I have to acknowledge I am working to overcome my own defenses. This doesn’t mean I get  to keep the walls up. It will never work if I don’t allow myself to believe him. All I have to do is pay attention to his actions, which are completely congruent with his words. I just need to trust the way I feel and act accordingly. I need to focus on the situation as it is now. I don’t need to project what I think might happen at some unknown point in the future. 

So, I am going to enjoy this great guy. I am going to have an open heart and trust myself. I am going to own all these wonderful and fun feelings. It is time to stop trying to convince myself I am wrong about him. I am allowed to have optimistic hope. It’s okay to be excited. I don’t have to fight happiness. 

Today I get to be enough. I am not going to miss the beginning because I am too busy crafting the end. I’m going to celebrate where we are. It’s a good place to be. 

Packing

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I am terrible at packing. 

I am mailing home books and some scrubs because my suitcases are too heavy. 

One more week until I go home for a bit! I can’t wait to see my kiddo, my baby dogs, and my kitties! 

I have no idea what my next move is going to be. Hoping it works out quickly. This is the only downside to working as a Locum, I never know what is coming next. I always feel like I am hustling for the next opportunity. I have to admit, the chase is kinda exciting.