As I came to an end of my rant about certain people talking down to me and how much I hate it, I was reminded that sometimes I am not careful with how I react and respond to people either. I know for a fact I have said and done things in the past (not always that distant of a past) in a condescending manner. I wonder why we do that. More importantly, I wonder how we avoid it.
I want to be a good leader and a good teammate. I like working as part of a group with common goals. It is exciting and so rewarding. Seriously, what better way is there to learn things you did not even know you did not know?
I suppose I have some explaining to do. Why would I be a jerk when I hate it so much when people treat me in the same manner? To be completely honest, I think it is a defense mechanism. (Or, I could be an asshat- either way, it is not who I want to be.) Perhaps, it is a normal response to put others down in an attempt to raise yourself up. Well, it seems it would make the distance to the top a little shorter. Seriously, it is just math people.
I wonder why we started losing our responsibility to use manners and to act graciously towards other people. Where did this ‘get ahead at all cost’ mentality start? How do we find the gentle respect we should have for others?
It is almost as if we have regressed in our social obligations to a completely self-driven society. Where did our obligation to help others go? How do we find a sense of community?
Perhaps I am naive. I still find myself daydreaming of a place where the pace is a little slower, and people are quick to strike up a conversation. Maybe a nice english chap who will invite me in for a spot of tea. Doubt I will find him here in Texas. A girl can dream.
For now, I am stuck with people who feel small, and who like to lash out at others to even the playing field. I am choosing to go a different route. What if we all started building each other up? Even professionally, coaching up would be preferable to tearing down. Let’s move away from the guerrilla warfare and collaborate. Leave the ego at the door and open our minds to the possibilities. It sounds all hippy-dippy cheesy, but I think it could lead to good things.
Just be nice. I will continue to work on my tone and attitude. What if we all made that commitment?
So, it has been a year since I started this blog. Personally, I like to think I have learned a lot from the exercise. So, what have I learned?
It is okay to use my voice in my writing. I guess the alternative would be using someone else’s voice and who needs that?
I think my excessive use of commas is improving… oh, and I don’t use as many … and — . hehe. By the way, I am not losing the italics or the parenthesis; I love them.
I have given myself permission to be honest in my writing. I can share my experience, and it really does not matter how other people feel about it. I can be unapologetically me. What a nice change of pace. It really got old, all the apologizing for being myself. People either like me or they don’t. I don’t worry about it as much anymore.
I still have a lot to learn about grammar. Damn, I wish I had paid more attention in school. I thought it was all so boring. Now I watch YouTube videos about punctuation in my free time. If only Mrs. Roe could see me now.
My friend (the one I affectionately call Lil’ Bro) does not like lists. I am just throwing this in here to see if he is reading this.
I really want to be a writer. It turns out, googling How to be a writer is extraordinarily not helpful.
I need to proofread more. Yeah, no promises. I am probably still going to fail at this.
I love words. Finding new words and figuring out how to use them is way too much fun. It has helped combat my sense of ennui. See what I did there?
I see the world a little differently. I am paying more attention, and finding potential story lines. Why else would I name a random raccoon Bandito Del Toro and a green cricket Buddy Hoppy? Seriously.
Perfection is not required. This has been a really good lesson for me. I used to avoid anything I could not do perfectly. Now, I enjoy the process so much more. I don’t have to wait until I figure it all out. I can live and write now. I can do the best I can, and that is enough.
It’s not a road trip without an obligatory selfie. I remember back when I never took photos. That was a shame. Why do we do that? Yet another topic to ponder someday in a blog post.
It has been a year since I started this blog. I am growing as a person and I can see the changes in every aspect of my life. I am happier, healthier, and becoming a better person. I still have so much to learn and I am so grateful. Life is good today.
There is absolutely no breeze here. The night (well, it is actually morning) is still. The wildlife, (insects, really) are chirping and calling to each other. I love this time of morning. This is when I get to wake up and write.
Writing has become an essential part of my week. I would like to say I find time to write every day, however life gets in the way sometimes. I am not completely convinced I have anything important or useful to say, however I am certain I enjoy this new ritual. (Perhaps it is not all that new anymore.)
I go back and read some of the older things I have written, and sometimes I want to rewrite them or update them. I think that may end up being one of my projects. The fun part is trying to think of interesting ways to frame certain thoughts. I do not want this to become a journal. I want it to be an exercise in self-expression and finding my voice.
Writing is the place I can say exactly what I want. I can edit it, and take the time to attempt to get my point across. I get to tell someone what I think without them interrupting and influencing my diatribe. I don’t have to change my opinion based on other’s feedback. This is the one place I don’t have to respond to you. It’s rather selfish, and gloriously self-involved. This is my corner of the world.
I love a good story. An interesting tidbit or juicy detail that illuminates your personality. I grow and learn from your experiences as well as mine. Some people are gifted story tellers. Sometimes it is the colloquialisms they use or the timing they employ to make the punch line zing. Not every story is a joke, but the good ones have a point where one stops and just enjoys the moment.
I am so grateful today. I have been lucky to know so many people who are full of interesting stories. Their adventures keep me curious about the world. I hope I figure out how to write my stories so that others can enjoy them. I am going to keep working on it. Our stories are how we become immortal. Until then, I have to go to work.
There comes a time when I have to lose the quixotic attitude I have concerning my employment. My capricious ways are exhausting. I know without a doubt this new opportunity is something I need to pursue.
I have spent my entire career in the same health system, and in order to continue to grow, it is time for me to branch out. Yeah, I am scared of going to a new place. New doctors, new patients, new EMR. Then, I remember how lovely the block schedule is going to be. 7- 10 days off at a time. Wow! I am going to have more time to devote to writing, and I just bought a new camera. I want to learn photography.
After spending all these years focused so intently on my career, I have decided I need more. I need to be a whole person. I owe it to myself.
Change is scary. I am leaving my support system at work. I always know who to seek out for advice. They have made a nice work family for me, and I am going to miss them terribly.
Nothing great ever happens if you do not take a chance.
I am going to spend the next two weekends seeing friends and Mudder Buddies. There are a lot of June babies in our group, and I can’t wait to celebrate with them. I never dreamed it would take me 35 years to get some courage. Concerts and Barbecues. It is gonna be fantastic. I think we are meeting up to go hiking with some Tough Mudder Dallas peeps.
My first picture with my new camera. I have no idea what I am doing, and I need to get some editing software and learn to use it. However, I think it is rather symbolic. There are alway blue skies behind the clouds.
Life is an adventure. May as well explore the possibilities.
There was an interesting article in Vanity Fair outlining the events that led up to NBC’s problems: Long story short, bad management. However, even this interesting story was possibly filled with exaggerations and quotes about individuals that have not been substantiated. (Brokaw says that he has given no indication that he was “Livid” and he maintains he and Williams have a “cordial” relationship.) According to CNN Money‘s interview with Mr. Brokaw.
I don’t care as much about all of that, my biggest issue is the necessity for ethical behavior by our journalists. These are the people we count on to provide us with unbiased news reporting that enables the public to make informed decisions. I know, I keep trying and failing to make this point, but come on people! Where are the honest people? The ones who do not allow their ego to run their lives?
We invite these people into our homes, and we allow their reporting to influence our decisions. We allow them to help shape our children’s view of the world. We need to be able to trust them. Unfortunately, Brian Williams has violated that trust.
I find myself wondering who I can trust, and where to turn for accurate, unbiased reporting. I love a good story, and I am not opposed to embellishment. I just prefer that my journalists stick to the facts. They have an incredible power to sway public opinion and need to remain cognizant of the importance of maintaining trust.
It is imperative to maintain journalistic integrity, and to hold the members of the press accountable for their actions. Brian Williams cannot be trusted. It makes me sad, he was a likable personality on screen, but if NBC allows his return, they will be promoting dishonesty and their newscast will become even more unreliable.
Don’t even get me started on his pathetic apology. It sucks to be caught in a lie. Don’t make it worse by underestimating the intelligence of your viewers. Variety posted a nice opinion piece that says it all so much better than I ever could.
It is time to hold ourselves accountable for being honest, and it is time to hold the press accountable. The prevalence of exaggeration and embellishment to make our point (whatever that point may be) has to be acknowledged. Just be real. Stop trying to impress people. It’s not cool, and the public is tired of it. Seriously. Give it a rest.
I would like to see an overhaul of journalism. Instead of the focus on the pretty people, can we bring back the smart, intelligent people? Where is the integrity? Who can we trust? I need somewhere to get my news.
When you have spent years telling yourself that you are a loser, and you cannot do anything right, it is difficult to move on, and chase your dreams. There is a real danger for me to indulge in negativity. I have made the decision to work on writing something substantial, and it is damn scary! I find myself wondering if my life, and the things I have learned are applicable for anyone else. I wonder if it is interesting.
Then, I get over it. It does not really matter what happens with the finished product. Even if it is just an exercise in self-awareness, it will have been worth it.
I am still struggling with self confidence, and I have to make a decision every day. I have to decide to chase my dreams, and if it turns out that my first attempt is not good enough, I will have to regroup and try again.
There comes a time where you have to tell yourself to shut up and just do it. It’s like the nickname my FB friends gave me, Swoosh. That is enough evidence for me to put aside my insecurities, and do the damn work.
After all, I have nothing to lose. I just happen to have every thing to gain.
What is the worst thing that can happen? Worst case scenario? I will have something written which I worked hard on, and I will have remembered the lessons I have learned.
So, what is the lesson? Get a grip. Grow a pair. Get on with it already.
I am on page 62. (Double spaced pages.) It is rough, and there is a lot of editing and revising that must be done, not to mention more to write. I am pleased with the progress I have made, and I am excited to keep working. This is my dream. Who am I to ignore my dreams?
If the losses I have seen this year serve any purpose for me at all, I need to remember this:
Life is short.
You have no guarantees for tomorrow.
If you wait until you are ready, you will never do anything worth while.
Do what you love.
Love what you do.
Tell the people you love how much they mean to you.
Easy come, easy go.
Just do it already.
Photo credit: Me- May, 2015- University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN
Her husband warned me. Do not let her have your room key. She always loses the room key. I left the room key on the dresser. Guess who stole my room key?
Sigh. I lose stuff all the time. Maybe I lost it. No, I remember leaving it on the dresser. Where is her room key? Nope- not there. Maybe the bathroom? Nope. On that little table? Nope.
Sigh. I probably do not need it anyway.
I do not have a room key.
This is why her husband told me not to let her find my room key.
I need a room key.
I have had a blast this weekend. Lots of writing, and basically just relaxing. I needed that. I think I am going to make it a point to take a few days here and there for relaxing every now and then. It is so easy to forget that you need time that you are not worried about the every day stuff.
Choosing to take care of myself is hard to do. I seem to think that burning the candle at both ends is a perfectly acceptable way to live life. I am wrong. So very wrong. I may thrive on being overextended and stressed out for awhile, but then I have to allow myself a chance to refocus, and relax. To sleep without an alarm.
Then, I can return to hectic every day stress of my life. The problem is that I am beginning to have less tolerance for the stress. I do not see the benefit of it anymore. Why do we have to kill ourselves every day? What is that going to accomplish? At what point do you choose to focus on what you love, and to make the money part less of a priority? How do you change your mindset?
Turns out, I think it requires money.
😦
Back at it Monday. At least for now. Maybe someday this whole writing thing will work out. That is really my main goal. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.
There are many things in my life that I should probably regret. I don’t regret them though. I say it all the time, I am every thing I have ever experienced. Some of the stories are not much fun to remember, but they are my experience, and they color the way I view my world now.
This beautiful photo made me think of all the challenges I have faced throughout my life. I can be climbing up an expanse of heartache and wondering if I was ever going to reach the other side, and then out of no where, a sturdy staircase will appear. The best staircases are weathered with the experiences of others, and if I keep my eyes open, I will get to see a small sliver of their journey. This gives me hope.
It is far more likely that I will stumble across a staircase that is full of potential and possibility. All I have to do is climb. I do not have to know where all the landings are, and I do not have to know what is waiting for me at the top. I will probably meet other explorers on my trek, and some of them will have advice or help to offer. Some may need advice or assistance from me. The whole point is to be open to the possibilities. Even when I do not think I have anything to offer, I can give a kind word. I may have to stop and rest. The most important part of this journey is that I do not quit aspiring to continue the climb.
No one ever said it was going to be easy. No one is going to carry me up. I have to do the work. I may slip and fall sometimes, but it is up to me to get back on my feet.
We don’t know where our staircase ends. We have no idea how many flights we have to navigate. There may be gaps in the steps. Every now and then we may have to leap and put ourselves out there and risk everything.
Sometimes writing feels like a risk. I have stories that I want to tell. Perhaps my biggest fear is that no one wants to hear them.
I am beyond ecstatic. I got asked to do a guest post and I think it went shockingly well! This is the second time my words have been on someone’s blog, and I am so happy that others like what I have to say.
This has been such an eye- opening experience for me. I love writing. I have found something that makes me really happy, and it is proving to be so good for me. The problem is that I am becoming obsessed with it!
I want to write a book. I am beginning to get my thoughts together, and searching for the best way to articulate the message I want to present. This is often a challenge for me. I tend to veer wildly off course when I give myself any room to explore.
So, I want to leave you with this…
For anyone who reads my blog,
Thank you so much! I am humbled and thrilled when you enjoy my point of view. I strive to be honest, and to only share things that are true at that moment. I strive to be respectful, and to not waste anyone’s time. I enjoy feedback, and promise to take your thoughts as seriously as I do my own. I will consider what you have to say, and see how it fits into my view on the particular subject. Thanks for giving me room to grow and learn as a writer. I sincerely hope that I do not let you down.
I love how using the proper word enables me to clarify my meaning when I am trying to explain something to someone.
The problem lies in my inability to find the right word at times.
For example, how do I describe myself?
quirky
eccentric
pugnacious
pertinacious
idiosyncratic
capricious
obstinate
resolute
open-minded (that one may be wishful thinking on my part)
intransigent
compassionate
curious
All of these words will work to describe me. Some of them are pretty similar, while others directly contradict the notion of the previous. If pertinacity and capriciousness both fit my personality, how can I be either? (By the way, if you don’t know any of these words- I recommend you download a dictionary app, or google them. I found a very interesting article about pugnacity and pacifism when I googled it earlier.)
So, here is the point. I am on a journey. (psst- we all are- that is what life is.) I have been told the whole song and dance about how you have to love yourself. Embrace who you are, appreciate you for you. It goes on and on. Be nice to yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. Sometimes, I am able to do that.
Other times, not as much.
Who am I to be mean to that sweet boy’s mother?
People tell you to ignore the negative self-talk. The negativity that runs through your head. The worst part is, the negative stuff is just easier to believe. They tell you to look in the mirror and tell yourself “I love you.” Ugh. Don’t even get me started. Those are just words. I was raised to be strong and independent. I was told often that I was beautiful, and that I was loved.
I really have no excuse for the way that I talk to myself. I cannot explain why I judge myself so harshly.
I have a real conundrum when I look at the pictures of me working out or at the Tough Mudder. On one hand, I love that I have photographic evidence of it. On the other, I see a million flaws. I would never say the things I think about myself to another person, so why do I say them to me? I feel so strong and awesome after I workout. So, why does it fill me with so much dread?
Why would this girl not be good enough to go to the gym? She loves it! Why can’t she go?
Because I am not there yet. I told myself for years that I would workout when I was thinner. I needed to lose weight before I could go to the gym. I am not sure how I expected this miraculous weight loss to happen, I just knew that I was not worthy of the gym until it happened. hmm. This line of thought makes a lot of sense right?
It’s the whole dress thing all over again. One of my goals was to lose enough weight to wear a dress. I know, dumb. Guess how I fixed the problem. That’s right! I went out and bought a dress. I wore the dress. Even now, I feel pretty fantastic in these dresses. I still have the negative thoughts every time I look at them in the closet, telling me I am not ready to wear the dress. I am not good enough. It is a constant battle. I get a negative thought, and I either give in to it, or I ignore it and go about my merry way.
Oh, and the negativity does not stop at the physical aspects of my personhood. I constantly tell my intelligent, somewhat articulate self that I am stupid, or uninteresting. Why? Why on earth would I tell myself that? I convince myself that no one cares what I have to say. (Despite repeated assurances to the contrary.)
So, if I know that the things I tell myself are not true, and if lots of other people whose opinions I respect contradict these lies, then why are these poisonous thoughts on a constant loop in my mind? When do they stop for good?
Now, don’t get all worried about me, I have plenty of tools to combat this problem. I have ways of dealing with myself that leave me pretty much okay most of the time. I am just perplexed at the pervasive nature of the thoughts. It’s like they are professional confidence killers for hire. Who hired them?
Oh, that’s right. I did! I am the one responsible. It is irritating. One more thing I can blame myself for. Do you see the inane nature of this? It is a perpetual cycle.
So, what is the answer?
I assure you, it is not looking in the mirror and murmuring sweet nothings to myself. (If you ever catch me doing that, I probably need either food or a drink because I will have lost whatever is left of myself to this insane cycle, and it could be a symptom of hypoglycemia or something.) I seem to be doing fairly well, with constant conscientious opposition to the negativity. As long as I remain vigilant, I suppose that I just might have a chance to convince myself to shut the hell up and get on with it already.
The look on my face is hysterical. I need to find something to wear this dress to… Hey! I know! Sergio- wanna ask me out? I can wear this dress!Or, I may just wear a quirky hat. Or, maybe a tiara. I am still trying to figure out how to pull it off for every day wear.
So, I promise to ignore the little voice in my head (the one that screams louder than the rational one,) and to keep trekking along on this adventure. I am doing two more Tough Mudders. I am going back to boxing. I am going to eat well and right. I am even going to wear dresses that probably show a little too much cleavage, and wear a little too much eye makeup.
I am not going to stop having crushes on totally unobtainable men (Sergio Garcia- that one is for you.) I am going to go out-of-town to see a friend. I am going to seek to improve. I am going to work on my story (I still can’t call it a novel, but I really hope that is what it turns into.)
Despite the negativity, I am going to keep going. I know I am not the only one who struggles with this. Maybe that is the point. We all have problems. It’s a shame that mine just happens to be me.
*This whole post started with me trying to find the right word to describe myself- which led to a google search- which led to an article explaining why pugnacity was not always the best trait- which led to self-doubt- which birthed this diatribe of honesty. Sorry, I am not sorry.
The Accidental Boxer 