Category: Writing

A Single Girl and The Imaginary Guy

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I do not wake up every morning pining for a special guy to come and make my life worth living. I do not sit around and wonder when the man of my dreams will come and rescue me from the drudgery of my life.

This does not mean I am completely opposed to the idea of sharing my life with one other human being, I just have not found one other human being I want to come along on the ride. Instead, I have been learning how to lead a more fulfilling and interesting life on my own. I am branching out and finding new adventures. I am doing all the things that have terrified me most.

Despite all of this, I often wonder what kind of person could put up with my particular assortment of quirks. He would have to be exceptionally patient. He would have to be brave and kind. The ability to cleverly keep me entertained and challenge me would be paramount. Laughter would be required. He would need to possess a true love of words and puns.

I imagine this man would find my idiosyncrasies charming and cute. He would let me ramble on and prattle about my day. He would tolerate the times I just can’t speak out loud anymore. He would have subtle ways to let me know when I am getting louder and louder without meaning to. There would be knowing glances and looks filled with inside jokes.

He would appreciate my terrible taste in movies, music, and books. He would understand I need lots of time to prepare to face the world every day. My anxiety about new places and people would not irritate him. He would encourage my wandering thoughts and let me follow them to their conclusion.

This imaginary man would think my terrible singing and obligatory car concerts are amusing. He would join in the fun. He would understand the way I ruminate and over think every decision. He would appreciate my persistence and tenacity, even when the best option would be to let the situation die down on its own.

This man would view me as a whole person who is sharing her life with his whole person. We would have separate interests and would not have to be glued together as if we were conjoined at the hip. We would appreciate the time apart and would welcome the tales of each other’s separate experiences. We would take great pleasure in finding little odd reminders of each other.

We would respect each other as people. He would have his bad habits and I would find his quirks charming and exasperating. I would love the things about him that make him unique. He would have my full support in whatever endeavors he found worth his time.

Now, until I meet that guy, I have every intention of living my life for every day. I will not sit around and wait for him. I will continue to find things to challenge me. I will continue to build new relationships. I will keep on looking for my next adventure.

I am just a single girl. I am not waiting for a hero. I do not need to be rescued. If I never meet this guy, I will be just fine. However, if he is out there I hope he is patient and will allow me to figure out he could be the imaginary guy for me. IMG_5747

Paris on my mind

~ ladyquirky ~ 6 Comments

I wish I had the words to say something really profound and original about the attacks on Paris. I don’t though. I must admit I am pretty much ignorant about the history of the middle east and how these groups got started. I am not here to put forth an opinion on those issues. I just want to talk about how I feel about all of this.

I do not understand how people can MURDER innocent victims in the name of a god and the afterlife. I do not understand how parents of daughters can want their children to grow up to be subservient. I am unable to fathom how people teach their children to hate in the name of God.

I am confounded by all of this.

Terrorism… just sucks. I don’t understand it. I guess I am rather sheltered here. My thoughts are with all the victims of violence, especially those in Paris. I cannot imagine how scary that must have been. I really wish this would just stop. Is Peace too much to ask for?

You’re So Vain

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

You probably should prepare yourself. This post is not about you. Unless it is. I’m not telling.

You know what really pisses me off? People misrepresenting themselves. Grown men who cannot take responsibility and act like adults. People who lie. Weasels who try to sabotage other’s lives. Old meddlesome people who take it upon themselves to cast judgment on others without knowing the real story. Middle aged women who take offense when you don’t go along with their plans. People who have the audacity to ignore common sense and to say “We have always done it that way.” Young men who take advantage of people and use them, with absolutely no regard or appreciation.

Why do people lose all sense of rationality when dealing with others? When exactly did it become okay to be an asshat? I get it, you are probably thinking “But Nyki you are an asshat sometimes.” Perhaps. It is rarely on purpose and I have been working on it for a while now. I spend a lot of time just trying to be quiet and to remember to act, not react.

I am fiercely protective of my family, friends, and patients. Don’t mess with them. Don’t tell people things you do not mean. If you cannot be man enough to be honest you need to stay away from the people I love. I have zero tolerance for abuse and cruelty. More importantly, I hate drama. I want people in my life who are not afraid to say it like it is.

It is probably a good thing I am single. I am notoriously bad at relationships. I tend to need a lot of alone time. I like to ponder random things. I can’t do that if someone is constantly jabbering in my ear. I don’t know how to relax in the company of other people. It takes vigilance for me. Which is counterproductive in the whole relaxing department. Oh, damn. I got distracted. More on this later.

Just know. This post is not about you. Unless it is. If you are so vain to think it is about you, it would probably be a good idea to just go. We don’t want you around anyway.

Daddy Issues- Veteran’s Day Edition

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

 I would not recommend watching the montage videos of soldiers coming home to their family if you have issues with your absentee father who was devoted to the US Army.

When I was a little girl, my father was stationed in Germany. I did not know much about it, however I imagined him there patrolling a chain-link fence which was erected to keep the bad guys away from the regular people. I obviously had no idea what the Berlin Wall was and in my mind my dad was a hero. I did not mind that he was not there for me, he was busy saving the world.

Fast-forward about 30 years. It has been almost 20 years since I have spoken to my father. I was minding my own business, playing on Facebook, and I opened a link to a video of soldiers coming how to their families. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. My father never even told me when he was being deployed, much less when he came home. He had become a mystical figure to me. Not a father at all.

I suppose if I am being fair, it really has nothing to do with his status as a soldier. The fault lies strictly in his refusal to be a father. I always imagined by the age of 35 I would be “over it.” For the most part, I am doing well. I know it has nothing to do with me and all that jazz. The only part that sucks is when I am caught off guard and wishing I could go back in time and he would be a different person.

I continue to grow and learn how to be a better person. I am fully aware of my issues about this topic. I own them. I am fine. It is okay to feel the emotions and to be honest about my disappointment in regards to the person who gave me half of gene pool. I don’t have to be him. I can learn from his mistakes. I can forgive him for failing to be the one thing I needed him to be.

It’s About Time

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I was so excited. It was almost 3 am. I only had a couple of more hours until I was going to head home. Then, I walked by the guy turning back the clocks. I told him it’s not supposed to happen until Sunday. He chuckled and reminded me it is Sunday.

Dreams crushed. So, now it is 0146, not 0246. I have already survived this time once tonight, and now I have to start all over.

Daylight Savings Time is just annoying. The only time it is good to gain an extra hour is when you are at home in bed. For the poor souls who work nights on that weekend, (actually the weekend we switch back to standard time) we are just stuck here for an extra hour with nothing to show for it.

My good friend TG was trying to explain time to me earlier…. actually something about relativity and gravity and wormholes… essentially things that will never make sense to me. I mean just because you experience time at a different speed, how would that keep you from aging? Your body is programmed to the clock here on Earth right? So, relativity changes reality? Maybe I am comparing the wrong things. I don’t know. It does not seem rational.

I guess you could think about how the years fly by as we get older, but for a five year old a year is an eternity. It is because it is 1/5th of their life. At this point a year is 1/35th of my life. It is a smaller unit. However it is still the same amount of time. That does not change the rate I age. Except you do change a lot more at 5 than 35. Hmmm.

See, just rambles. I suppose I could look it up and try to understand it, but I really don’t know how that is going to do anything… except eat some of my time. Oh… It could help this extra hour disappear. However, I am going to go wander the halls and complain about the time change.

I am afraid I am afraid

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I find it difficult to articulate my feelings about fear. I spend most of my time with a steady rumbling of mild anxiety vibrating deep within my thoughts. Decision making is agonizing for me. I tend to vacillate wildly from one option to the next weighing each one so carefully I cannot possibly pick one over another. Then, the waitress comes… and asks me if I need a few more minutes. Umm. No. Then I will simply have time to add yet another option to the mix. GRRRR. Someone force me to decide. I will have water. With lemon. Yes, lime is fine. 

So, if I am agonizing this much over my beverage options just wait until you see me reading my choices of entrée. Oh, don’t worry. I won’t decide. I will wait until the waitress comes over, takes everyone else’s order, and then panic. As soon as I finally make a choice, I will be filled with instant regret. This is just the way I operate. 

I hate going through things that require filling out forms and rounding up paperwork. I hate interviews and questions. I hate credentialing for hospital privileges. I hate job hunting. I don’t like to move. I hate packing and unpacking. All of this makes me a perfect candidate for locum work, right?

Well, yeah. I don’t have to make a decision. I can just do the next thing in front of me. If I don’t like a place or job, I am only committing for 3 months or so.

I am afraid of making decisions. What if I make the wrong one?

Turns out, even if I make the wrong choice there will be another chance to make choices in the future. I am enjoying the prospect of new and interesting places and people to meet. I am afraid I don’t have to be afraid anymore.

What happens when you realize life is meant to be experienced and not just observed? What happens when you stop letting fear stop you dead in your tracks? What happens when you let go and relax a little? It’s not like you really have all that much control over it all anyway. Stop agonizing over all the options and pick one already. And don’t just order the cheeseburger again. 

So, what am I doing to make the traveling a little more bearable? I got a new traveling buddy! Meet Boomer, my new traveling buddy. IMG_0779 IMG_0780 IMG_0782

Everest.

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

images-16I like Jon Krakauer. I found Into Thin Air to be a wonderful read, and it left me interested in the topic of extreme mountaineering as a topic of reading.  Not that I actually want to climb a mountain like that, that would be insane. I was insanely excited to see this movie, and the first chance I got I was in the theater anxious to watch the story unfold.

The movie was okay. I enjoyed a lot of the acting and cinematography. I was not impressed with the lack of investment in the characters though. There were several moments that should have reduced me to tears, they certainly did in the book, however I was just not invested in their struggle. Too many characters and not enough time.

One thing I was struck by is the disdain with which Krakauer’s character seemed to be portrayed. If you read Into Thin Air, I would find it disingenuous if you reported missing the sense of regret he seemed to have regarding the entire affair. He was heartbroken about the loss of his climbing mates, and the book was dripping with the pain he must have been experiencing. This movie failed to convey any of that. Instead JK was portrayed as a careless afterthought, and I find that rather rude.

Now, if you google any of this you will find a large number of people who don’t care so much for JK, and frankly, whatever. Who cares? Get a life. He wrote a book about his experience that left a lot of people on the edge of sanity. Seriously. It is a fantastic book.

On a brighter note, Jason Clarke was phenomenal and I have a bit of crush now. Josh Brolin has managed to steal my heart since I was a little girl and he was in Goonies. So, the movie was not terrible. It was not a documentary and it should not be taken too seriously. It was okay. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to see a movie about this disaster.

I wish the film could have spent more time discussing the ridiculousness of unexperienced climbers being allowed to attempt this trek simply because they have the funds to do so. It is a shame that the people of Tibet are being held hostage by this tourist trade, and that they are risking the lives of their people who act as Sherpas for these ignorant assholes. Who should be accountable for regulating this? When will these wealthy adventure whores start holding themselves responsible for making intelligent decisions, especially when they affect so many people? This is similar to the people who go hunt big game in Africa. They are putting so many people in danger for their adrenaline soaked fantasies. It really should stop.

I can’t make you love me.

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I imagine most of us struggle with the desire to have everyone love us. We struggle to be likable and to go along with the crowd.  The fight to keep our skeletons hidden and our vulnerabilities at bay is a daunting battle at best. Impossible, really.

There are secrets in the deepest recesses of our minds, and we walk through each day trying to keep them hidden. We don’t want people to see the us of our dreams. Sometimes these are fantastic fantasies, and other times they are brutally terrifying nightmares that we are barely able to escape. The bad dreams are not the only ones we want to keep hidden. We also hide our fantasies for fear of being judged.

It is the same old thing, too much and not enough all over again.

So, what happens when we become our true, authentic selves? What happens when we say exactly what we think, feel, and desire? What happens when we laugh that real laugh only a few people have ever heard? When we allow that tear to fall during the Folger’s commercial? What would happen if we were ourselves all the time?

It is not like it all matters anyway. When people like us for the watered down, socially acceptable version of ourselves we offer up for the judging, then we are painting ourselves into a corner and dooming ourselves to a life slightly less than honorable. We will be constantly looking for a way to fill the void that no one knows is there.

So, for all the people in my life who like the blurred edges of me, the me that is a little too loud, and often a little too much, I thank you. I love that you love me for me. I don’t have to hide or pretend.

For the rest of you:

I can’t make you love me. I don’t know that I want to. I would rather be that quirky girl who does not always wear socks that match. The girl who still loves to listen to bad music. The girl who secretly pines for a way to make a difference in this world. The girl who STILL can’t quite figure out punctuation, despite her intense desire to be a real writer.

So, what are you doing today to be you? How are you leaving your mark on the world? What colors are on your paintbrush? What words are in your story? Remember… I can’t make you love me, but when someone does, it is fan-freaking-tastic.

Sometimes my eyeliner is smeared and my mascara has clumped up beyond anything cute at all. Other times, I have deigned to show my face sans all the paint. You can like it or not. I can’t make you love me if you won’t.

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Cinephilia

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Sicario, Everest, Philomena.

These are the three movies I have seen so far this week. I loved all three for different reasons. It certainly does not hurt that Josh Brolin was in two of them.

There are at least two more movies I need to see before I feel like this has been a productive movie weekend, Black Mass and The Martian.

How do you actually rate movies? I have yet to figure out a way to adequately judge this art form. In order for me to think it is “good” I must have felt something while watching it. Sometimes I find myself checking the time throughout the show, this is how I know it did not speak to me.

Sicario was probably the best movie I have seen so far this week. Full of male bravado and a heroine who ends up losing her way. Well, that may be a little harsh. She does give in to the latin charm of a very bad dude. Why are women always at the mercy of men? It is frustrating.

Everest was entertaining. I feel like it needed to be longer. It was too difficult to become invested in the characters. Scenes that should have left me reduced to tears barely made an emotional dent. It could have been better.

Philomena was my Netflix choice. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Touching tribute to how storytellers can make a difference. (That is what I got out of it anyway.)

I love movies. I hate it when people take their infant to the theater. I continue to find new ways to pass the time. What is your favorite movie this season?

Shining Onward and Bravely Searching,

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

Living a life full of adventure may not be all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes you just want to sit on the couch with a kitty in your lap, remote in your hand, and a glass of wine within reach. This is exactly where I want to be tonight. I have absolutely no plans to do anything else until morning.

This past week was a nightmare at work. It was not the crazy number of hours it required, it was dealing with some personalities that left me emotionally drained, and unsure of my next move. However, if I have learned anything in my life, it is best to take my time and not make decisions when I am emotional about the situation.

So, I am going to sit back and think about some of the advice I have been given. Right now my favorite advice came from a new mentor. (Turns out that is what they call “work daddies” in the real world-thanks for that T.) Yikes. Not that real work daddy has been replaced. No way. He is stuck with me. Anyway, his advice was to find things you can live with, instead of searching for those you cannot live without. Good advice for me. I have to remove the black and white from situations and be okay with the gray.

People surprise the hell out of me. I find myself forging new relationships and growing more as a person every day, and then I get knocked out by someone who means nothing to me. Why do we let people have so much control over how we feel?

Easy. We want connection. We want to feel like we are valuable. We want to be wanted. We want to be more than someone who can be lived with. Perhaps we even want to feel a little needed. Regardless of what we say, we do want to be loved.

So, in order to live a bearable life, I have to pretend those desires are not there. I have to play it cool. I have to not be too terribly devoted to anything. I am not sure how you find passion in life when you spend all your time trying to quell those passions.

Why does life have to be so confusing? Am I supposed to be searching for my passion, or am I supposed to be calm, cool, and collected at all times? When are you supposed to be excited? Am I allowed to be driven and ambitious?

So, I am continuing to live life looking for my next adventure. I am going to continue to build relationships with people. I will find my passion. I will find people who share my passion. I will feel things as brightly as I can.

Shining Onward and Bravely Searching,

LQ