Category: Personal stuff

The Luckiest

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment
IMG_9391
Apparently, I like to hang out with Wonder Woman! Damn! She is tall. I love it!

Let’s talk about Ben Folds. What a great show! He plays piano and bangs on a drum! My kind of guy! Super funny, has a sensitive side… sigh. Where is this guy in the real world?

I had a great time at The House of Blues in Dallas. Great venue. Totally fun. Good sound. All around great show. My favorite song of the night was The Luckiest.

I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

-Ben Folds.

IMG_9389
Somehow I did not manage to get a good pic of Ben… I loved his show. I was too enraptured to take pics I guess.

I sincerely try to remember I am who I am as a direct result of my entire life. I would not be me if not for the good, bad, and ugly. There is a lot of beauty in my life as well.  I owe it to myself, and all the people who love me to remember the beauty. Mr. Folds, can I call you Ben??? Please?, dedicated this song to Kidd Kraddick. Now, believe me that is one sure way to bring tears to my eyes. I cannot speak of the day I learned of his death without tears in my eyes.

I am known to say I am a lucky girl. I genuinely believe that. This song resonates with me, even if it is a love song… I feel like I am the luckiest- I have wonderful people in my life. I have been supported and lifted up so many times in my life. It is important to remember the gratitude. It is so important. Otherwise, you run the risk of being trapped in the quagmire of negativity.

My life is changing. I am able to be more open to adventure and fun. I think it is important for me to pursue this. I need it. I am willing to work hard, and I am willing to be responsible. I am looking forward to the new and excited experiences.

I love my life. I love my family. I am indeed- The Luckiest.

Father’s Day for the Fatherless

~ ladyquirky ~ 9 Comments

IMG_9424I do not want to beat a dead horse. However, allow me a moment to explain what Father’s Day means to me. My father disowned me when I was sixteen years old. It is not like we had a good relationship before that time, but I was able to pretend we had the possibility of having a relationship. Now, almost twenty years later, I am still filled with regret and wishful thinking.

I do not blame my father for his short-comings. I think he is sick in a way I cannot understand. He has his own demons, and it is not my baggage. The problem for me is this: being rejected by the one man in your life who is supposed to be there for you sucks. I find myself bordering on unhealthy man-hating. I do not want to feel the resentment. So, I pretend it does not bother me.

Most of the time, it doesn’t. I am living life on my terms, and I am making decisions for myself and my son that I feel good about. I am on the verge of starting a new job, and I am finally excited about the possibilities.

Rejection. Essentially, you are not enough. Or, perhaps you are a little too much. Either way, I was not what I was supposed to be. This feeling has permeated my entire life since the day he sent me on my way.

I have learned something though, this is just a feeling. It really does not have much to do with me. My father does not even know me. He does not know about my education, career, friends, or how I am a loving daughter and mother. He does not know all the hours I have dedicated to making myself a better person. He does not know that I am kinda funny sometimes. He has never seen my tenacity in action, and he has no idea how hard I work. He does not know me.

It irritates me that the rejection I experienced at the ripe old age of sixteen has tainted some of my current relationships. I find it painful to think I lash out, or ignore people as a protective measure. Part of being a grown-up is learning to move past these feelings, and learning to have healthy relationships despite the crap you have endured.

So, while I really have pretty negative feelings about Father’s Day, I am so glad to have so many wonderful fathers in my life. I wish them a very Happy Father’s Day, and I am so proud of them.

As far as my father goes: Good Riddance. That is all I can say. You sir, have missed out on a relationship with the coolest kid in the world. Your grandson is amazing and wonderful. You have also missed out on having a daughter. Seriously. It’s your loss. I may have regrets, but my family loves me, and I love them. It’s really too bad you don’t know what that is like.

Growing up

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

IMG_9338So, I bought new furniture. I needed a new bed, and I had never bought a dresser when I moved.

This may be one of the most grown up things I have ever done… except, I had to take my mom with me. (Well, it’s progress, not perfection.)

Tilting at Windmills

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

IMG_9333

There comes a time when I have to lose the quixotic attitude I have concerning my employment. My capricious ways are exhausting. I know without a doubt this new opportunity is something I need to pursue.

I have spent my entire career in the same health system, and in order to continue to grow, it is time for me to branch out. Yeah, I am scared of going to a new place. New doctors, new patients, new EMR. Then, I remember how lovely the block schedule is going to be. 7- 10 days off at a time. Wow! I am going to have more time to devote to writing, and I just bought a new camera. I want to learn photography.

After spending all these years focused so intently on my career, I have decided I need more. I need to be a whole person. I owe it to myself.

Change is scary. I am leaving my support system at work. I always know who to seek out for advice. They have made a nice work family for me, and I am going to miss them terribly.

Nothing great ever happens if you do not take a chance.

I am going to spend the next two weekends seeing friends and Mudder Buddies. There are a lot of June babies in our group, and I can’t wait to celebrate with them. I never dreamed it would take me 35 years to get some courage. Concerts and Barbecues. It is gonna be fantastic. I think we are meeting up to go hiking with some Tough Mudder Dallas peeps.

IMG_0031
My first picture with my new camera. I have no idea what I am doing, and I need to get some editing software and learn to use it. However, I think it is rather symbolic. There are alway blue skies behind the clouds.

Life is an adventure. May as well explore the possibilities.

West of the Moon, East of the Sun

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment
Outside San Angelo, actually- in Christoval. I love it there.

I was driving home from a job interview 400 miles away from my city, and the journey took me through my hometown. As I pulled out of town, I saw a huge moon rising in my rearview mirror, while the sun was setting ahead of me. It was a stunning sight.

I was reminded of a book I read, West of The Moon. It is about a little boy who is dying from cancer, and the mediation he used required him to go to his safe place. It was a meadow that was West of the Moon, and East of the Sun. He had a guide, who if I remember correctly was a cowboy.

There are lots of cowboys in my hometown.

I love when I get lucky enough to see the moon rising while the sun is setting. It makes me feel centered. Almost like there are bookends around our planet.

There are so many things I am so grateful for. I have been given so many opportunities, and many people have helped me become the person I am. I have had amazing teachers, mentors, family, and friends. They have been my guides.

I can only hope I am able to find new guides while I branch out and learn new skills. I plan to take the lessons I have learned with me, and to be a good example of the kind of person they have taught me to be.

I am so excited to see what the future holds for me, and I can’t wait to embark on the next chapter.

*I should probably stop playing with the photo editing app I have on my iPhone, and actually learn how to edit photos. Right now, all I do is randomly select things and see what they do. I am probably making a mess of it all.

New Adventures

~ ladyquirky ~ 7 Comments

I have finally made some decisions. I am leaving my dream job, and taking a locum tenens position. I want to have time to focus on new hobbies and endeavors.

When I take a step back and honestly evaluate my life up to this point, I realize my career and education have been my priority and focus. I have even gone as far as to make my career the center of my identity.

Frankly, this is a scary step for me. What if I don’t succeed? What if I am not good at this new job? What if I am wasting my time writing? So many questions and doubts.

Then, I remember this is my dream! To have time to write, the means to travel some, and to learn new things. If I consider the situation honestly, this is perfect for me!

While I am going to miss working with the people who have been my mentors and friends through this journey, they are not going anywhere. It is perfectly acceptable to meet new people and to find new experiences.

I cannot wait until I am “ready” to branch out. The time is now. I am excited for my new adventures.

Dress shopping for the bigger girl

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment
IMG_9275
It’s hard to feel beautiful in a dressing room.

I needed an outfit. I was going to get pants and a top. I did not like anything at all! This was my second excursion for this occasion, and I needed to find something today.

So, I wandered around the store aimlessly, gazing longingly at the door that would lead me to the safety of my Jeep. I had to find something comfortable, pretty, professional, and something I would wear out in public.

Finally, I saw a couple of dresses that remind me of my wrap dress that makes me feel so confident. I tried on the first one. It was okay, but a little too big. (I cannot explain how happy things being too big makes me.) So, we tried on a second one. Hmm. It’s okay. I need Spanx though. Put on Spanx and put it back on.

How do the girls look? Not bad. Is my butt too big? Yes, but nothing you can do about that today.

So, what is the lesson? It is hard to buy clothes when you are not happy with your body. Yes, I have made progress, but I am certainly still under construction. I have to give myself a break. I think this dress looks nice, and I feel like I can be proud to walk around in it.

Sometimes, it is not whether or not I feel pretty, but whether or not I feel confident. I am going through a lot of changes in my life, and I need to dress the part of the woman I want to be. I used to say I wanted to be thin enough to wear a dress.

I am not sure how thin that is, but I am wearing this dress.

I have a tendency to find the things about me which are less than desirable. So, in order to make shopping a little less painful, here are some strategies I employ.

  1. Make friends with the sales people.
  2. Tell them you want honest feedback.
  3. Do not go shopping overly hungry or tired.
  4. Laugh at the disasters. Everyone looks ugly in some things.
  5. Celebrate when something makes you feel good.
  6. Accentuate what you like about yourself.

Most importantly, if you want to wear a dress, buy a dress.

Tomorrow, shoe shopping…

My friend stole my room key.

~ ladyquirky ~ 6 Comments

2015-05-01 14.52.09Her husband warned me. Do not let her have your room key. She always loses the room key. I left the room key on the dresser. Guess who stole my room key?

Sigh. I lose stuff all the time. Maybe I lost it. No, I remember leaving it on the dresser. Where is her room key? Nope- not there. Maybe the bathroom? Nope. On that little table? Nope.

Sigh. I probably do not need it anyway.

I do not have a room key.

This is why her husband told me not to let her find my room key.

I need a room key.

I have had a blast this weekend. Lots of writing, and basically just relaxing. I needed that. I think I am going to make it a point to take a few days here and there for relaxing every now and then. It is so easy to forget that you need time that you are not worried about the every day stuff.

Choosing to take care of myself is hard to do. I seem to think that burning the candle at both ends is a perfectly acceptable way to live life. I am wrong. So very wrong. I may thrive on being overextended and stressed out for awhile, but then I have to allow myself a chance to refocus, and relax. To sleep without an alarm.

Then, I can return to hectic every day stress of my life. The problem is that I am beginning to have less tolerance for the stress. I do not see the benefit of it anymore. Why do we have to kill ourselves every day? What is that going to accomplish? At what point do you choose to focus on what you love, and to make the money part less of a priority? How do you change your mindset?

Turns out, I think it requires money.

😦

Back at it Monday. At least for now. Maybe someday this whole writing thing will work out. That is really my main goal. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

Foreign Lands

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

free-printable-map-of-usa-colorSomehow sitting in a coffee shop in a foreign land is making me feel all creative and stuff. Perhaps foreign is not the correct word… I am still in the U.S. after all. I am just used to the southern part, and now I am up near Canada.

I am certainly not well traveled. I do not enjoy flying, and tend to get overwhelmed in new places. I can never figure out where I am supposed to be, and how to get around. It really all comes down to my lack of confidence- again! This is the recurring theme of my life.

I find myself feeling like I am not enough so often. I am not funny enough to be the funny one. I am not thin enough to be the pretty one. I am not smart enough to be the smart one. Everything boils down to the question of enough. What does that even mean? I have always struggled with this. Maybe it is my insistence in categorizing everything in my life. Especially people. Everyone has to have a label and a role. It gets so confusing, especially when most people are so much more than their label.

I am part of the problem. Our society insists on giving people titles, and then placing expectations on them to conform to their role. It is all so limiting. How do you project an air of professionalism, while still maintaining your quirky sense of style? How far can you push the boundaries? Why do you have to stick to the normal shades of hair color? Can I sneak a bright blue or red stripe in there somewhere?

The problem for me is that it is imperative that my patients trust me. Otherwise, they will not be satisfied with my diagnosis and prescription for care. As much as I like tattoos and piercings, I do not necessarily want a doctor with a huge neck tat. I am not sure I would trust him. This helps me justify ignoring my desire for brightly hued tresses. I have to be professional.

I am part of the problem. I find myself wanting to hide my imperfections, and joining the masses in celebrating the airbrushed ideal of beauty. I can tell you that you are beautiful all day long, and yet I cannot feel it for myself.

The problem for me is that I own a magnifying mirror- with lights. Not only can I blow up my imperfections, I can shine a spot light on them. No one is staring at my face through a magnifying glass (and if they tried, I would like to think I would punch them squarely in the throat.) Why do I insist on judging myself through such a harsh lens? Maybe I should use a filter, like the one I judge the other people I love through.

So, as I sit here in a foreign land, after I was relegated to my morning routine without a magnifying mirror, I realize that I was not feeling ugly when I walked out of the hotel this morning. I felt excited. I was looking forward to my adventures. I wonder if I can start having this experience even when I am at home. Maybe I need to chuck the magnifying mirror out the window. Give myself a chance to see me- like others see me.

New Heights?

~ ladyquirky ~ 5 Comments
IMG_8944
Photo by Mark Larsen

There are many things in my life that I should probably regret. I don’t regret them though. I say it all the time, I am every thing I have ever experienced. Some of the stories are not much fun to remember, but they are my experience, and they color the way I view my world now.

This beautiful photo made me think of all the challenges I have faced throughout my life. I can be climbing up an expanse of heartache and wondering if I was ever going to reach the other side, and then out of no where, a sturdy staircase will appear. The best staircases are weathered with the experiences of others, and if I keep my eyes open, I will get to see a small sliver of their journey. This gives me hope.

It is far more likely that I will stumble across a staircase that is full of potential and possibility. All I have to do is climb. I do not have to know where all the landings are, and I do not have to know what is waiting for me at the top. I will probably meet other explorers on my trek, and some of them will have advice or help to offer. Some may need advice or assistance from me. The whole point is to be open to the possibilities. Even when I do not think I have anything to offer, I can give a kind word. I may have to stop and rest. The most important part of this journey is that I do not quit aspiring to continue the climb.

No one ever said it was going to be easy. No one is going to carry me up. I have to do the work. I may slip and fall sometimes, but it is up to me to get back on my feet.

We don’t know where our staircase ends. We have no idea how many flights we have to navigate. There may be gaps in the steps. Every now and then we may have to leap and put ourselves out there and risk everything.

Sometimes writing feels like a risk. I have stories that I want to tell. Perhaps my biggest fear is that no one wants to hear them.