This week has reminded me of a very important thing.
It is always a good time to tell the people you love how you feel. It is always a good time to sing the praises of your heroes.
We are not guaranteed a future. We really have no idea when our clock is going to run out of time.
I am so grateful for the people in my life. They have supported me unconditionally. I love my family and friends. I love the opportunities I have been given.
I have had teachers and mentors who have devoted so much time to helping me find my way.
I am not perfect. Sometimes I am a perfectly selfish person. I need to make sure I remember the people who have stood by my side. I don’t want anyone to wonder how I feel. I will make sure I tell the people I love how they have made my life better.
This is a better idea than focusing on the people who have disappointed me.
I am going to stop having such high expectations for people. I am going to celebrate who they are. Not just who I want them to be.
The past year has taught me a lot about who I am and more importantly, who I want to be. I have made some amazing new friends, and even lost some along the way. I am not resentful, rather I am I resigned to live a life which feels full and complete for me.
Your life and struggles have not been more nobel than mine. You can’t be bothered to answer your phone during family time? Well, neither can I. You are above focusing on your career or the pursuit of financial stability? Well, I am happy for you. You scoff at the manner I choose to employ when building new relationships? Well, at least I am not sitting at home anymore.
I am learning about the way people hold us hostage and insist we never change. They are all too frequently dependent on the status quo. Forget growing up together and experiencing life as a team, they are all about retaining their role as the girl who happens to have it all together. God forbid, I should finally start to find my voice. At least a voice that does not require shrieking from the rooftops that I have finally figured life out! Ugh. Seriously? Give me a break.
I am not going to pretend to have it all figured out. I am not going to stand here and preach the way to finding success. Hell, if we are being honest, I have to be reminded from time to time that I am not still waiting to get my shit together. I am actually doing pretty damn good. When we forget to allow our friends to grow up and find themselves, we are actually part of the problem.
I swear, I am not bitter. I am just trying to stop blaming myself for something that was probably not even my fault. I am not sorry I did not take your advice. I am not sorry that I did not figure it all out until it was time. This is my damn journey. I have walked these roads independently and met some folks who had some tools to loan me along the way. It certainly is not a crime to broaden my circle of friends.
I refuse to be the bad guy here. Not that it matters at all. I don’t even think you will read this. Even if you do, it will be seen as act of aggression, instead of a desperate attempt at self-preservation. Sometimes we have to be defensive in order to live with ourselves. Sometimes we have to take a stand. I won’t apologize or beg. I don’t have to. I am content with being me, regardless of how others feel about it.
I am living life on my own terms these days. I am finding the woman I never knew I could be. I don’t have to hide my strength. I don’t have to pretend I don’t know what is best for me. I can take my own path. It honestly has nothing to do with anyone but me. I am done expecting people to understand who I want to be. I just want to be me.
Perhaps Mr. Dickens said it best, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
2015 has been quite a year for me. Somehow I have managed to be both a complete failure and raging success all at the same time. Well, if we are being completely honest, neither of those things are true.
I found myself facing a lot of difficult choices regarding my career, and it has all turned out to be better in the long run in so many ways. I have had to do a lot of self evaluation and some of the things I discovered were painful.I had made many mistakes and frankly, I was an asshole a lot of times. While I can attempt to justify the bad behavior and excuse it all away, I have to be honest with myself. This is the only way to facilitate growth and it is the only way I know to improve. My dream job was still the place I wanted to be more than anything in the world; it just was not working anymore.
Making the decision to leave was exceedingly difficult. I had so many people who wanted me to be successful. They had reached out to me and supported me completely. They were and are still on my side. Walking away from their protection and guidance was scary. They had taught me everything I know. I still miss working with them every day. I don’t think that will ever go away. I cherish my relationships with my dear friends, and I remain so grateful for everything they do for me.
I do not know how I started working as a locum, but it has been quite a ride. Just like any job it has good points and not so good points. One of the biggest perks is the freedom I have now. I have more financial stability than I have ever had in my life. I no longer have to worry if I have enough money to take care of my responsibilities. I can make plans to travel and go on adventures. I can spend some time worrying about something else now. Now, I am about to start a new assignment and I could not be more excited.
There were many other situations which were both wonderful and terrible. Tough Mudder for one. Let me just sum it up and say sometimes you have to be willing to let someone else lift you over that wall. It does not mean you are weak, everyone has their own limits and fears.
Friendships. I have so many new relationships. I have lost a few too. The pain and joy have been exquisite and I would not go back and change anything. It is okay to grow apart. Sometimes it is even okay to say goodbye.
This year has been full of hello and goodbyes. Each one is difficult at times.
Starting over is exciting and scary all at the same time. Sometimes saying goodbye is a relief even while it is ripping your heart out. There really are no easy answers. I have new friends who make me laugh and are just a phone call away. I have old friends who I am missing when I am far away. I have met new mentors and owe so much to my first mentors.
I have had the good fortune of having my family completely support every single endeavor and adventure I embark on. They have encouraged me to challenge myself and test my limits. They have reassured me they will always be there for me. Somehow I am closer to my family now than I was when I was at home. I think I have stopped taking them for granted as much. I know I only have limited time to see them and I had better make it a priority.
Life does not fit neatly into a box. It is all messy and hard to explain. I think this is part of what makes it all worthwhile. It seems that even things that appear to be opposing- such as the best of times and worst of times may just be two different sides of the story. Much like how it takes strength to be vulnerable. Perhaps it is just a sign of having intense feelings and really incredible experiences. I don’t think I would trade any of it for a more perfectly boring and normal life.
I am not the most girly of girls. I struggle with the normal things most girls seem to be able to do. One of the most challenging aspects of girlhood has been hair styling. I am not even kidding. For years I did not even own a blow dryer. Forget about a curling iron. Seriously, I am the girl who shaved her head at 17.
For the past few years I have been a little more adventurous in this department. I have been growing my hair out and learning how to use more cosmetic products. (The eyeliner remains hit or miss.) I own a good hairdryer and have actually invested in a flat-iron. I am not saying I use them every day, there are still a lot of days that a ponytail is all you are going to get. Sorry, I am not sorry.
Despite my forward progress, the curling iron and all other curling apparatus have remained completely shrouded in mystery and challenge for me. Imagine my delight when I found resources for creating curls while you sleep! AMAZING!All I need is a headband? I have those! In my suitcase! So, I had to try it out.
I think the curls turned out pretty well. I was a little nervous my hair was too big and fluffy, perhaps I would be drawing too much attention to myself. I did the only natural thing to do. I paired it with red lipstick. I mean nothing says understated quite like bright red, come kiss me lips. Somehow, I managed to ignore the intense anxiety welling up in my as I walked out the door.
Femininity is a daunting skill for me. I struggle with it. Dammit! Where is my girly girl brain? The girl who understands what clothes go together and whether or not the electric blue eyeshadow is slutty or not? It is really unfair. How do you know where the line between daring fashionista and garish clown resides?
What are the rules? Don’t try thumbing through fashion magazines. It does not help.
I want to rock red lipstick. I think women who are willing to risk the red smear and mess of red on their teeth are ballsy. That is the kind of woman I want to be. It really has nothing to do with what other people think or like. I want to do it for me.
Some may say it is silly or trite to make wearing red lipstick a life goal. I think the bigger issue is whether or not I am willing to walk out of my house and wear exactly what I wanted to that day. Every moment I resist the urge to wipe it off is a little victory for me. This is similar to my old goal of wearing a dress. Now I buy and wear dresses.
I am noticing small changes in my ideas about who I am. I am braver and I am proud of the person I am becoming. Personal growth is hard to measure. It is okay to use the little things to evaluate growth. Confidence waxes and wanes throughout the day. I require frequent self- checks to keep my inner dialogue and self- doubt in check.
I wonder if other women have these issues. The confidence required to wear my hair a little bigger and my smile a little brighter is hard achieve. I used to stare at the ground and avoid interactions with random people. Now I try to be more approachable. It is almost as if I am inviting people to look at me, or offering my costume for their inspection.
Then I remember I am not seeking your approval. I chose this mask for me today. If you like it, thanks. If you don’t, oh well. To be completely honest, it is not even for you. I am expressing my confidence in my unique way. I am giving myself permission to be seen.
I may as well admit it, I have a thinking problem.
I continue to over analyze and obsess over every thing that pops into my head. I think it is because I am back to waiting to see when I am going to my new job. Waiting for licensure and credentialing to be completed is agonizing.
I hate waiting.
While I wait, I ruminate.
Agonize.
Worry.
Daydream.
Wonder.
Plot.
Anticipate.
When is all of this angst ever productive? In my experience, never. So, why do I continue to make myself crazy? I think it may be habit. I refuse to be one of those people who rush into decisions without having thought it all the way through. People who rush into things drive me crazy. Life decisions should be carefully considered.
My anxiety about making decisions is often misguided and borders on ridiculous. By the time I am done going over my options I no longer care which option I choose. I almost always have immediate buyer’s remorse. I should have gotten the other one. I also do the thing where I can’t decide between two options and I either get both, or neither. I have to tell sales people to stay away from me when I am making large purchases. If they are over there prattling on about the features and differences between two options, I get overwhelmed and change my mind. It is really a little embarrassing.
Big life decisions about where I want to work or live are often better left to chance. I do better if I am well-informed, but then when I am going about making the choice I try to see what works out best. The problem with this attitude is I am running the risk of making a choice because it is logistically simpler. Sometimes it is because there is less paperwork involved. I hate paperwork. I don’t like signing stuff and I REALLY don’t like signing stuff again.
I am trying to learn how to back off and relax while still evaluating decisions objectively. I am still trying to figure what characteristics are paramount and which are simply preferences. Location and money are important factors but not as desirable as an excellent learning opportunity. I have not figured out a scale to measure and evaluate decision yet. I think assigning traits a weight would help more than a simple pro and con checklist. What about things that are both pro and con? How do you measure which side wins?
I even manage to get weighed down with the decision to make a decision. It is somewhat ludicrous. Here I am trying to ascertain the proper method for ascertaining what I want out of life. I am actually starting to believe the most important skill of highly successful people must be the ability to decide and follow through with their decision. Where do you learn that skill?
So, where is the delineation between purposeful consideration and needless obsession? How does one go about making a decision and standing behind it with confidence?
Most importantly: How on earth do you make your brain turn off for a little while so you can get some sleep?
Stolen from pinterestAs I scroll through my Facebook news feed, I am inundated with happy couples.
“She said Yes!”
“Happy Anniversary to the love of my life…”
“I have the best boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife…”
“I love you Baby.”
Blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s not that I am unhappy for these adorably sickenly sweet couples, I just don’t get it. I am not there. I am not feeling all those cotton candy rainbows and butterflies.
I am the single friend. The perpetual third, fifth or sometimes even seventh wheel on any adventure. My friends are all fantastic about including me and I have to be honest, their husbands are exceedingly kind and never treat me like they wish I were not there. They are my friends!
Most of the time I am not even bothered by my singledom. Believe me, I would rather be single than be in a relationship that does not work. No, thank you very much. Then there are those moments that sneak up on you and catch you completely off guard. You find yourself wondering what on earth you are doing wrong.
Maybe I should try Tinder again. Maybe I should start texting all those people I used to “date.” (We use that term loosely in these parts.) I can’t believe so-and-so is getting married. WHAT?!? Look at that! He went back to her?
These thoughts are fleeting. Once I get through the initial barrage of disbelief I am happy for the couple. Well, unless I am thinking less than generous thoughts. “I bet they get divorced in six months.” or “She is only marrying him because she wants a baby.” These thoughts leave me feeling mean and I don’t like them. I try to suppress those thoughts and stop thinking about it all so negatively.
Why, if I am so happy for these people, do I find myself a little angsty, defensive, and judgmental?
Perhaps it is related to the feelings of inadequacy I experience when I evaluate my life. I have been told by society I should want to be married, have 2.4 children, a dog, and a house in the suburbs by this time in my life. When I evaluate my life on these terms I am failing miserably.
Who says I have to use this yardstick to grade my choices?
When I take a step back and honestly evaluate where I am in my life, I am doing pretty good.
I am reasonably successful professionally. My relationship with my family and friends is strong. I pretty much have the ability to go and see anything I want to experience. I have a great relationship with my only child. New opportunities are pouring out of the woodwork in both my professional and personal life. I get to go on adventures whenever I want to. I have phenomenal mentors who continue to support me as I grow and experience new things.
The only piece of the puzzle missing is a significant other. I forgot to fall in love somewhere along the way. Oops. My bad. At this point in my life, I am not even sure how a relationship would fit in. I am busy traveling and planning my next move. I am not interested in having an external influence to my choices at the present time. (Obviously, aside from my family.) I am going out and seeing what I like and essentially deciding who I want to be. What kind of life do I want to live?
Yes, sometimes I get a little lonely. We are programmed to want someone warm to cuddle with sometimes. (Euphemisms abound. Remember, my granddaddy reads this blog.) Seriously though, I am happy. I am not Desperately Seeking Anyone. At this point in my life, he would have to be amazing. I cannot even fathom what this man would be like. I try to envision what I think would make me happy, and I fail.
So, despite my snarky feelings about *your happiness, I am perfectly blissfully unattached.
*Obviously, not you, this was intended for people other than you. I love you and only want the best for you.
If you want to see more emo heart pics… I stole this one from Pinterest.
Hospitals do not close for the holidays. This means healthcare providers have to spend time away from their families and go to work. I have never minded working holidays. To be completely honest, I consider it a privilege.
When patients are in the hospital on a holiday, it is the last place in the world they want to be. We do not typically schedule elective procedures during those times. The people who have to be admitted usually have no other option.
I do not see any point in refusing to work on a holiday when we celebrate locally. I can go spend a couple of hours with my family or even celebrate another day, it is not a big deal to me. My family will fix me a plate, or even send a huge spread of food for me to share with my coworkers.
Christmas Eve of 2013 I was at work in the MICU. The unit was full and we were slammed when I get a phone call from my mother saying my brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews were in a bad car accident outside a small town about two and half hours away. They had been traveling to visit her family. We were not able to get much information about their condition over the phone and my sister-in-law had already been transferred to a larger hospital.
I dropped everything and went to go take care of my family. That drive was so long and I have never been more desperate to get more miles between me and Lubbock, Texas. I had to get to my brother and my nephews. When I finally arrived to the hospital, my nephews were in a hospital room filled with toys. They had been doted on and loved by so many people. Someone had gone and bought them some clothes to change into because theirs were dirty. DPS had brought them teddy bears. I believe it was a nurse’s aide who went and bought them cars and trucks from somewhere. I have never been more grateful. My boys were okay.
Christmas that year was terrible. My brother could barely move and could not see due to his injuries. His wife was in the hospital preparing to have the first of many surgeries. The boys were very stressed out, although physically they were okay. I would have much rather have been able to work that holiday.
My family is okay if I am working. There are no big personal tragedies or crises. I can focus on my work because my family is safe and healthy. If I have to leave work because someone is hurt or sick I am a mess. Work is so much easier. Once the day is over I get to go home and escape whatever nightmares transpired at the hospital.
I can devote a few hours to another person who is having a bad holiday due to their medical condition. I can spend time with a family who is saying goodbye to their loved one on that day. It is the least I can do. I did not lose my family when they had an accident on Christmas Eve. We were lucky.
My role as a healthcare provider is important to me. It is humbling and I am proud of the career I chose. I have worked hard to be able to help people. I sacrifice a lot of time with my family and friends. I work long days and some days it is so hard.
However, I will keep working holidays. I will do my best to provide care to my patients and their families when they really just want to be at home celebrating. It is my way of showing my gratitude for my good fortune.
If you find yourself or your family in the hospital on a holiday, I imagine there are more people who do not resent caring for you. If their family is like mine they will be gracious and understanding of the service we provide in our professional lives. We adapt and adjust our plans so we can be of use. Don’t worry, we are not being left out of the festivities. If we are lucky, we are good friends with our coworkers and they have become extended family anyway. It is the least we can do.
I do not wake up every morning pining for a special guy to come and make my life worth living. I do not sit around and wonder when the man of my dreams will come and rescue me from the drudgery of my life.
This does not mean I am completely opposed to the idea of sharing my life with one other human being, I just have not found one other human being I want to come along on the ride. Instead, I have been learning how to lead a more fulfilling and interesting life on my own. I am branching out and finding new adventures. I am doing all the things that have terrified me most.
Despite all of this, I often wonder what kind of person could put up with my particular assortment of quirks. He would have to be exceptionally patient. He would have to be brave and kind. The ability to cleverly keep me entertained and challenge me would be paramount. Laughter would be required. He would need to possess a true love of words and puns.
I imagine this man would find my idiosyncrasies charming and cute. He would let me ramble on and prattle about my day. He would tolerate the times I just can’t speak out loud anymore. He would have subtle ways to let me know when I am getting louder and louder without meaning to. There would be knowing glances and looks filled with inside jokes.
He would appreciate my terrible taste in movies, music, and books. He would understand I need lots of time to prepare to face the world every day. My anxiety about new places and people would not irritate him. He would encourage my wandering thoughts and let me follow them to their conclusion.
This imaginary man would think my terrible singing and obligatory car concerts are amusing. He would join in the fun. He would understand the way I ruminate and over think every decision. He would appreciate my persistence and tenacity, even when the best option would be to let the situation die down on its own.
This man would view me as a whole person who is sharing her life with his whole person. We would have separate interests and would not have to be glued together as if we were conjoined at the hip. We would appreciate the time apart and would welcome the tales of each other’s separate experiences. We would take great pleasure in finding little odd reminders of each other.
We would respect each other as people. He would have his bad habits and I would find his quirks charming and exasperating. I would love the things about him that make him unique. He would have my full support in whatever endeavors he found worth his time.
Now, until I meet that guy, I have every intention of living my life for every day. I will not sit around and wait for him. I will continue to find things to challenge me. I will continue to build new relationships. I will keep on looking for my next adventure.
I am just a single girl. I am not waiting for a hero. I do not need to be rescued. If I never meet this guy, I will be just fine. However, if he is out there I hope he is patient and will allow me to figure out he could be the imaginary guy for me.
My family does not look like a typical family. I am a single mom and I am not raising my son alone. I work a lot, and now I am traveling for work. My son does not live with me. My family takes care of all the day-to-day child raising stuff. My son’s Nana and Mamaw have been so gracious and kind to enable him to attend the school he wants to go to, and they make sure he has everything he needs every single day. They do all the hard stuff.
I suppose you could say I am the lucky one. I get to do all the fun stuff. I get to take him on trips and when we are together there is usually lots of movies and going out happening.
Actually, if we are being completely honest, my mother has assumed the role of primary caretaker for my son for almost all of his life. We could blame it on my age when he was born, or we could blame it on my limitations when it comes to organization, or we could just avoid placing blame at all. Yes, we all know I was entirely too young to have a child. Here is the thing, I love my son more than anything on this earth. I would give anything for him to be safe and happy. I am doing just that every single day.
I consider him in every decision I make. I consider how it will affect him. I may not see him every day, but he is the center of my universe. I work hard because I want him to see you can achieve anything if you do the work. I wish I could spend every day with him, and it is just not feasible. I need to support him financially.
I am not your usual mother. I don’t cook. I am messy. I can’t keep my schedule straight, much less his. I am your typical ADHD adult, who is just trying to muddle through as best I can. There is no magic answer. I see those moms who manage to juggle their career, marriage, children, and social lives, and I get overwhelmed. How on earth do they do that? Oh. I know, they don’t spend 30 minutes each morning pondering how their hair dryer works and wondering if there is a better way to make one. They dry their hair and get on with it. They don’t get distracted on the way to the shower by the pen and paper sitting on the table and stop to doodle.
Real moms can go to the grocery store with a list, and actually buy everything on the list. I usually lose the list on the way to the store, and end up buying pens. You should see the number of pens I own.
You know, I am a nurse practitioner, guess who I call when I am sick? Yep. My mom. Guess who I call if my son is sick? Yep. My mom. I lose every bit of common sense when it comes to real world application of my training. I can treat you in the hospital or the clinic, but if you have a stomach virus in my house, I am completely inept. You will likely just get a cold, wet wash cloth. (Those cure every thing, by the way.)
The problem for me, is that I feel guilty. I feel like I am less of a mom, because I don’t do all the stereotypical mom things. I work and provide. That is my role. I strive to provide a good life for my only child. I love him desperately, and I will do whatever it takes to provide a good life for him.
Why do we judge each other when we don’t know the whole story? Why do we hold ourselves up to a standard we don’t even understand? Families work and do what needs to be done. If we are lucky, we have all the familial support we need. So, what exactly is a mom? I don’t know. The only thing I do know, is that I would work every hour of every day if it made a difference for my son.
I imagine most of us struggle with the desire to have everyone love us. We struggle to be likable and to go along with the crowd. The fight to keep our skeletons hidden and our vulnerabilities at bay is a daunting battle at best. Impossible, really.
There are secrets in the deepest recesses of our minds, and we walk through each day trying to keep them hidden. We don’t want people to see the us of our dreams. Sometimes these are fantastic fantasies, and other times they are brutally terrifying nightmares that we are barely able to escape. The bad dreams are not the only ones we want to keep hidden. We also hide our fantasies for fear of being judged.
It is the same old thing, too much and not enough all over again.
So, what happens when we become our true, authentic selves? What happens when we say exactly what we think, feel, and desire? What happens when we laugh that real laugh only a few people have ever heard? When we allow that tear to fall during the Folger’s commercial? What would happen if we were ourselves all the time?
It is not like it all matters anyway. When people like us for the watered down, socially acceptable version of ourselves we offer up for the judging, then we are painting ourselves into a corner and dooming ourselves to a life slightly less than honorable. We will be constantly looking for a way to fill the void that no one knows is there.
So, for all the people in my life who like the blurred edges of me, the me that is a little too loud, and often a little too much, I thank you. I love that you love me for me. I don’t have to hide or pretend.
For the rest of you:
I can’t make you love me. I don’t know that I want to. I would rather be that quirky girl who does not always wear socks that match. The girl who still loves to listen to bad music. The girl who secretly pines for a way to make a difference in this world. The girl who STILL can’t quite figure out punctuation, despite her intense desire to be a real writer.
So, what are you doing today to be you? How are you leaving your mark on the world? What colors are on your paintbrush? What words are in your story? Remember… I can’t make you love me, but when someone does, it is fan-freaking-tastic.
Sometimes my eyeliner is smeared and my mascara has clumped up beyond anything cute at all. Other times, I have deigned to show my face sans all the paint. You can like it or not. I can’t make you love me if you won’t.
The Accidental Boxer 