2015 has been quite a year for me. Somehow I have managed to be both a complete failure and raging success all at the same time. Well, if we are being completely honest, neither of those things are true.
I found myself facing a lot of difficult choices regarding my career, and it has all turned out to be better in the long run in so many ways. I have had to do a lot of self evaluation and some of the things I discovered were painful.I had made many mistakes and frankly, I was an asshole a lot of times. While I can attempt to justify the bad behavior and excuse it all away, I have to be honest with myself. This is the only way to facilitate growth and it is the only way I know to improve. My dream job was still the place I wanted to be more than anything in the world; it just was not working anymore.
Making the decision to leave was exceedingly difficult. I had so many people who wanted me to be successful. They had reached out to me and supported me completely. They were and are still on my side. Walking away from their protection and guidance was scary. They had taught me everything I know. I still miss working with them every day. I don’t think that will ever go away. I cherish my relationships with my dear friends, and I remain so grateful for everything they do for me.
I do not know how I started working as a locum, but it has been quite a ride. Just like any job it has good points and not so good points. One of the biggest perks is the freedom I have now. I have more financial stability than I have ever had in my life. I no longer have to worry if I have enough money to take care of my responsibilities. I can make plans to travel and go on adventures. I can spend some time worrying about something else now. Now, I am about to start a new assignment and I could not be more excited.
There were many other situations which were both wonderful and terrible. Tough Mudder for one. Let me just sum it up and say sometimes you have to be willing to let someone else lift you over that wall. It does not mean you are weak, everyone has their own limits and fears.
Friendships. I have so many new relationships. I have lost a few too. The pain and joy have been exquisite and I would not go back and change anything. It is okay to grow apart. Sometimes it is even okay to say goodbye.
This year has been full of hello and goodbyes. Each one is difficult at times.
Starting over is exciting and scary all at the same time. Sometimes saying goodbye is a relief even while it is ripping your heart out. There really are no easy answers. I have new friends who make me laugh and are just a phone call away. I have old friends who I am missing when I am far away. I have met new mentors and owe so much to my first mentors.
I have had the good fortune of having my family completely support every single endeavor and adventure I embark on. They have encouraged me to challenge myself and test my limits. They have reassured me they will always be there for me. Somehow I am closer to my family now than I was when I was at home. I think I have stopped taking them for granted as much. I know I only have limited time to see them and I had better make it a priority.
Life does not fit neatly into a box. It is all messy and hard to explain. I think this is part of what makes it all worthwhile. It seems that even things that appear to be opposing- such as the best of times and worst of times may just be two different sides of the story. Much like how it takes strength to be vulnerable. Perhaps it is just a sign of having intense feelings and really incredible experiences. I don’t think I would trade any of it for a more perfectly boring and normal life.
No, I think I will keep my hello and goodbyes.