Friends and Loss

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The past year has taught me a lot about who I am and more importantly, who I want to be. I have made some amazing new friends, and even lost some along the way. I am not resentful, rather I am I resigned to live a life which feels full and complete for me.

Your life and struggles have not been more nobel than mine. You can’t be bothered to answer your phone during family time? Well, neither can I. You are above focusing on your career or the pursuit of financial stability? Well, I am happy for you. You scoff at the manner I choose to employ when building new relationships? Well, at least I am not sitting at home anymore.

I am learning about the way people hold us hostage and insist we never change. They are all too frequently dependent on the status quo. Forget growing up together and experiencing life as a team, they are all about retaining their role as the girl who happens to have it all together. God forbid, I should finally start to find my voice. At least a voice that does not require shrieking from the rooftops that I have finally figured life out! Ugh. Seriously? Give me a break. 

I am not going to pretend to have it all figured out. I am not going to stand here and preach the way to finding success. Hell, if we are being honest, I have to be reminded from time to time that I am not still waiting to get my shit together. I am actually doing pretty damn good. When we forget to allow our friends to grow up and find themselves, we are actually part of the problem.

I swear, I am not bitter. I am just trying to stop blaming myself for something that was probably not even my fault. I am not sorry I did not take your advice. I am not sorry that I did not figure it all out until it was time. This is my damn journey. I have walked these roads independently and met some folks who had some tools to loan me along the way. It certainly is not a crime to broaden my circle of friends.

I refuse to be the bad guy here. Not that it matters at all. I don’t even think you will read this. Even if you do, it will be seen as act of aggression, instead of a desperate attempt at self-preservation. Sometimes we have to be defensive in order to live with ourselves. Sometimes we have to take a stand. I won’t apologize or beg. I don’t have to. I am content with being me, regardless of how others feel about it.

I am living life on my own terms these days. I am finding the woman I never knew I could be. I don’t have to hide my strength. I don’t have to pretend I don’t know what is best for me. I can take my own path. It honestly has nothing to do with anyone but me. I am done expecting people to understand who I want to be. I just want to be me.

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