I Met Someone

Television commercials are cunning. I think the mad men are trying to tell me how to live my life. They want me to question my choices. Do you think they want me to feel bad about myself?

There was a commercial for a dating site. It was filled with people whispering “I’ve met someone” to their closest friends and family. Wait a second! Is that my end goal? Is that what I am supposed to be doing? Meeting someone? I knew I was doing this all wrong. 

Do I have to meet just one person? That doesn’t work for me. I would have to spend most of my time missing him. I think I may have found a perfect solution. 

I meet lots of people! I go out and have fun. I let you buy me dinner or a drink. I listen to your stories and decide if I would like to hear some of them again. If you manage to entertain me, I lose track of time and can’t wait to see you again. Those are the best nights. 

Despite all the fun, sometimes men amaze me. I think there should be some rules or protocols to follow when one chooses to sign up for Tinder. 

1. Don’t act all pissy when I don’t answer fast enough. You don’t own me. That behavior just sets off all kinds of warning flags about your potential for being scary or dangerous. Controlling men are automatically out. I have way too much to do to worry about your fragile ego. 

2. Don’t assume I am going to sleep with you. Surely that doesn’t have to be explained. I don’t have to have sex with every man who expresses an interest. Once again, you don’t own me. 

3. Please don’t ask for or send me naked photos. I promise: your penis is not that special. If I wanted to send them to you, I would. 

4. Don’t ask me out if you are leaving your wife and kids at home to fend for themselves. Don’t lie and say you are separated or divorced if you are not. 

5. Don’t ask me out if you can’t afford to date. Sorry. I’m not sorry. 

6. Don’t lie. 

7. Come ready to talk! I like conversation. 

8. Don’t text me in the middle of the night wondering if I am available. No. I am not. 

I’ve met a lot of people. Sometimes it is fun. Sometimes I wish I had stayed in. Maybe one of these guys will make me want to change my ways. I certainly hope not.