Excuse me, Mr. Bono. I was sitting here brooding, as I frequently do, and I realized part of my angst stems from not having concrete goals.
For years I had things I was working toward and this kept me in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting for real life to begin. Well, I have arrived and not much has changed except I no longer know what comes next.
Perhaps this is part of why so many people fall into the trap of going back to school repeatedly. I have to admit part of me dreams of neatly segmented semesters and real deadlines. Besides all the struggle has an endpoint. You even know the exact date!
I may or may not have done a search for doctoral programs in my field. I have no idea what it would actually solve, or really if it would help me in my search for professional satisfaction. Frankly, I don’t even know what I want to do!
Life after school is confusing. It feels like a constant state of running around in circles. Searching for something. Waiting to get your “shit together.” When do we actually experience what that feels like? What exactly are we hunting? What will it feel like when we get there?
So, in an attempt to find answers while making as little effort as possible, I googled the lyrics to one of my favorite U2 songs. It gave me no answers. So onward I will trudge to the next project. Until I find what I’m looking for.
The Accidental Boxer 
I’ve written on this exact same topic..think I may have even used the same title (on another older blog of mine). At the time I pooled several people I knew and respected and asked them if they could relate to the inner (void./ angst/ hard to put a name to it sometimes) Food will quench it, along with lots of other activities..but sooner or later, the (whatever that is ) is back…and I have many of the things people chase after thinking those things will do the trick…I am in a career that I LOVE, in a marriage that continues to rock my world, even after 38 years,….used to battle a low sense of self esteem.and that is 80 % better…I could go on and on.. and I still experience the (whatever you want to call it) Here’s my theory as to what it is… our hearts are porous..they leak like a sieve. we try all sorts of things to fill the void, and for a while it works…but not for long..not sure where you are at spiritually, but my hunch is, that it is part of being human, and nothing this side of eternity can completely satisfy it. Here’s a link to my favorite U2 version of that song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8Wt3dhF4fU Those are my thoughts. 🙂 DM
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I have found that traveling for work and having shorter term gigs has helped a little. I always have a new situation to challenge me.
The chronic (? Maybe repetitive) dissatisfaction (? Yearning, emptiness, void) is a little better.
I still have a terrible time making decisions and fear being trapped by my choices. I’m working on it.
Perhaps it is what keeps me motivated.
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