I ramble, meander, stroll, flit, pace, and wander aimlessly. I am frequently so absorbed in whatever random thought happens to lodge itself in my brain to the point I have no idea what is happening around me. The rest of the time I am hyperfocused and distracted (simultaneously, which is weird) by the constant stimuli of the outside world.
When I take a “holiday” from my medication I become silly and hard to follow.
One of my more embarrassing quirks is my tendancy to launch into a vague story and as I am wrapping it up realize it has nothing to do with the conversation I have hijacked. The story often concludes with a sheepish apology and explanation of how I don’t know where it came from. These stories are the ones I wish I could write. The problem lies in my inability to convey the passion I feel when I am telling the tale.
Sometimes I find myself offended by articles and opinion pieces written about ADHD. I want to scream at people because I am not able to convey how unmanageable my life was before I was diagnosed and treated properly. Medications are not a cure-all, but they enable me to utilize tools and learn the skills required for taking care of everyday life.
These armchair diagnosticians decide their truth must be the truth for everyone. This is dangerous! When we start making broad statements and presenting them as facts applicable to all of humanity we are being assholes. It’s not my place to judge you and it is certainly not your place to judge me.
I was a mess before I had a diagnosis and found the right medication. I could not hold down a job and I was miserable. I had no idea why I was so incapable. People would tell me to focus and buckle down. I would have people being frustrated that I could not apply myself to anything I did not find fascinating. I tried! I tried so hard. My failures convinced me I was broken, stupid, and worthless. I hated myself.
Sometimes I still feel inept. What kind of person relies on a pill to be productive? Why can’t I just be a grown-up and do what needs to be done? If only I were a better person, then I could not rely on this pharmaceutical crutch.
So, I have to talk myself down. Remind myself of my good qualities. ADHD has a lot of gifts too. I can let my mind wander. I see things differently from other people. I can appreciate little details. There are conversations I have because my mind wandered off on a tangent which are actually hilarious and fun.
We need to be more careful when we judge people and the medical care they receive. Don’t decide because some people abuse these treatments there is no place for them for anyone. Actually, mind your own business.