First of all, I do not have a boyfriend. I am not even dating at the moment. If anyone wants the job, I am taking applications. I am too busy finding new ways to love my boyfriend??? Are you actually kidding me? Who finds this appealing? Is loving someone that freaking difficult? Yuck.
My favorite line is “Nyki is a real girl.” This has actually been a goal of mine for a while. I have practiced fixing my hair, I even own a good hair dryer and a flat-iron. I wear dresses. I shave my legs with some regularity. Okay… that part is a lie. I only shave my legs sometimes. It’s okay because I am the only one touching them. I have been saying for ages I just want to be a real girl! HA! Facebook is stalking me.
Part of me found this random result funny. Another part of me found it revolting.
I am noticing some interesting things about myself. It’s funny how so much time alone gives you plenty of time to *think. Well, thinking may not be the best word for what I do. I agonize. I dwell. I have internal debates with myself. I tear myself apart and judge every facet of my personality. I judge myself for every quirk I find. I have to convince myself to ignore the little voice emanating from somewhere in my mind.
I find myself wondering why I feel so unaccomplished. Is it normal to feel like you have not done anything worthwhile? Sometimes I feel excited or proud of something I have done. I may look in the mirror and feel attractive on that particular day. This short-lived pride leaves me feeling vain and cocky. So, I have to find all the reasons I should not feel good about myself at that moment.
I am terribly confused. How is a person supposed to have a healthy sense of self or “love” who they are without being arrogant? How are you supposed to maintain a sense of reality? What is the trick to having a healthy self-esteem?
I have to admit I am proud of my accomplishments. The problem is I am afraid to admit it, even to myself. I don’t want people to think I am conceited. I don’t want to be cocky. I desperately want to avoid being one of those assholes who think they are special. So, I hold myself to impossibly high standards and judge every shortcoming harshly. It is easier to point out my flaws.
This self-depreciation is not attractive. It makes confidence hard to maintain.
So, how do you foster a sense of confidence? How do you be realistic about the things you seek to improve, while giving yourself credit for the progress you have made? It is much easier to focus on the mistakes I make. It is easier to see the things I still need to learn.
I find the unique traits of the people in my life endearing. I love the quirks of my friends and family. These differences keep us all interesting. So, while I admire this in others I abhor my inability to fit in. Which is funny since I often do my best to stand out and not be part of the crowd.
We are all enigmatic in different ways. I like to be alone, yet loneliness often creeps up and surprises me. I think one of my main goals in life needs to focus on my need for moderation.
I tend to be all or nothing.
Black or white.
Win or lose.
All the while, I am fixating on the middle ground, the gray shades, or the process of playing the game. It is exhausting. I think too hard, too much, and too often. I find myself questioning the motives of everyone I know. I find myself disregarding the relationships I have. I minimize my role in other people’s lives. I convince myself I am not important to them. Worse, I convince myself they are unimportant to me.
I find myself wanting to be “cool.” So, I attempt (badly) to maintain an apathetic attitude towards much of the world. The problem lies in the simple fact that I am most assuredly not cool. I am warm, passionate, and above all loyal. So, I think I may be fighting with my inborn personality trying to achieve something I found desirable at some time in my life.
I wonder how many people are at war with their personality? Why do we seek to be someone other than who we actually are? It seems unfair to disregard our true self for some imaginary idealized impostor. This is certainly confusing when I think about how much I abhor apathy in other people. They just seem so much more relaxed and sure of themselves. Obviously, this could all be an act on their part as well. At what point is it okay to be honest about how you feel or what you are thinking?
This whole fixation of being politically correct and making sure our ideas do not offend anyone leaves me without much to say. Why don’t people pick up on my cues when I am being sarcastic? Or playful? Why do they assume I am being an asshole? When is it okay to point out the absurdity of most of the situations we encounter on a daily basis? So much of life leaves me shaking my head and wondering why everything has to be so damn difficult. Why can’t we do things in a reasonable way?
It may be my delivery. I am trying to be more soft-spoken and to not say every thing that pops into my head. My ADHD meds help with that.
So, does this rambling have a point? Perhaps.
It is okay to tone down your personality when you are with people you do not know well. It is okay to hold your ideas close to the vest. Is that even a saying? I think it is something like that. I could look it up, but I just don’t want to right now.
Sometimes I need to give myself a break. Go with the flow. Stop evaluating my motives for every single thing! It is okay to feel cute when you look in the mirror. It is okay to feel pride when you have worked hard for something. It is okay to blend into the crowd when it would not help you achieve your goals to stand out.
I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including myself. I need to allow myself to be who I need to be in that moment. This does not necessarily mean I am fake. Sometimes it is better to sit back and watch.
Someday I will figure out how to be at peace with myself. This won’t mean I don’t have things to work on. It just means I can accept who I am at the moment. I am not entirely certain where this acceptance comes from, and I imagine for me it will be an ongoing process. I am most likely okay with that today. I need to analyze it.