So, yesterday I was downstairs at the hotel, and I met a girl from Minnesota. We commiserated about how freaking hot it is, and I had the sudden urge to look at the pics from my trip in April… or May… whenever it was.
This trip was an opportunity to take a weekend off and write. I used the distraction to refocus on myself. I was not looking for a grand adventure, I was looking for some quiet and perspective. I feel like it worked. I have decided I need to make more room in my life for exploring, and due to my newly acquired self employed status, travel is an option. This is exciting for me. I spent entirely too much time feeling guilty and ignoring my needs.
I struggle with knowing whether or not I am making appropriate progress. Am I growing as a person? Am I learning something new every day? Am I making a difference? Am I a good person?
These questions help me remain grounded and realistic. My goals have become much less specific over time, and I am more open to seeing where life leads me. The decision to do the next thing in front of me, rather than work towards certain goals is opening the world up to me.
I am trying to focus on finding humor in these situations, and I am trying to stop taking myself so seriously. I am just trying to give myself a break. It is okay to laugh and have a good time. It is okay to just be. I don’t have to be on a quest for greatness every single damn day. It’s all going to be okay. I can’t help but wonder if I have done myself a disservice with all these years of criticism and holding myself to ridiculous standards. I have to be okay with just doing what feels right at the moment. It is not the end of the world to make a decision. I am not going to die if I order the wrong thing off the menu. (Well, unless I get food poisoning or botulism.)
I doing well. I am making progress. Moving on from my comfort zone is probably the best thing I could have done. I was growing bitter and stagnant. I was full of self-loathing and disdain. In short, I was miserable. We owe it to ourselves to be honest and move on when it is time. We are not doing anyone any favors sticking around when it is not working anymore.
I don’t know where I hope to end up. I am not sure what my future looks like. This is a new experience for me. I am usually scheming and trying to figure out the path I need to take in order to hurry up and get there. Once again, I do not know where “there” is. I don’t have to agonize over plans and goals. I can just be. I can just breathe.
I am enough today. I am enough exactly where I am. I do not have to be searching for that elusive better person I am destined to be. This is the best gift I can give myself. Permission granted. Enjoy the experience of now instead of planning the next one before this one is over. I am so excited to see where this road takes me.
The Accidental Boxer 