I just finished reading The Blogger’s account of the end of Tough Mudder. Those of you who know anything at all about it, know that it always ends with a trip up Everest and a dash through electricity.
I knew all along that Everest is not something I feel like I need to do. It just seems rather careless with a marginal knee. So, I never intended to do it. I did not expect to do what I did though.
I went and sat off to the side alone. I was not watching my teammates crushing this obstacle. I missed Amazing Daniel giving back to his team, one person at a time. You see, Daniel was paralyzed in a work accident. He still came and crushed every single obstacle Tough Mudder had to throw at him. Then, at the end, after he traversed a human ladder to the top of Everest, he stayed at the top and caught the hands of every member of our team to help them to the summit. I missed it.
I forgot about my team. I was frustrated, sore, tired, hungry, and irritable. More than anything, I was ashamed that I had stopped training for TM. I knew that I had brought all that pain and misery on myself. I hated feeling so weak and dependent on that course. I felt like the anchor that threatened to drag down the ship. I felt like I did not belong. I felt like they would have been better off without me.
Letting myself entertain those thoughts was a dangerous game to play. It sucked all my motivation out the door. It is unfortunate that I threw those dice three months before TM. I gave in to negativity. I stopped believing that I was worth fighting for. I unlearned all the lessons I thought I had learned. It is a slippery slope. Negativity only breeds more negativity. I knew that. I did it anyway.
Now, let’s keep in mind my team is awesome. They had supported me the entire time. No one made me feel this way. I did. I let the noise inside my head crowd out reality. The worst part about this whole journey to a healthier lifestyle is the way I talk to myself. I constantly undermine my successes and sabotage all that is good. I do that. No one does it to me. So, I am responsible for changing it.
Yes, TM was awesome.
Yes, TM was HARD.
Yes, I walked across the finish line- and celebrated with my team.
Yes, I hated a lot of it.
Yes, my life changed.
Yes, I made some new life long friends.
Yes, I changed my mind about some people.
I am planning to do two more Tough Mudders this year. Dallas and then I will rejoin the SDLHC in Philly. I have a lot of things that I want to do over.
- No crying about climbing over walls.
- No going off and ignoring my friends, just so I can entertain my own negativity.
- I will more prepared physically for the challenge.
- I won’t let my head do all the thinking.
- I will buy a waterproof camera and take a ton of pictures.
- I will share this experience with my son (In Philly)
- I will not shut out my best friend this time.
- I will remember that being quiet and ignoring the group, hurts people’s feelings.
- I will not lose my bib.
- I will figure out how to avoid blisters.
- I will get different underwear.
- I will laugh more.
- I will wear a damn TIARA. You know why? Because I am a damn Princess.
So, yeah. My biggest regret is that I missed Everest. It was a selfish move. I will not be making that mistake again.
This is me. I am not starting over. I am continuing this quest. I may make mistakes, and I may have some regrets. That does not diminish what this experience was for me. Remember- in my new tribe, we have a saying:
We totally got this.