Tag: choose

I Choose

~ ladyquirky ~ 7 Comments

He wants me to smile sweetly and be carefree. Don’t rock the boat and maintain a calm, cool, and collected attitude. Don’t give people dirty looks and always be friendly. Go with the flow and relax. My hair should always be forced into submission using superheated ceramic plates and hurricane force winds from the hair dryer. Makeup should be natural, yet perfect. Avoid garish colors. Don’t put those stripes in your hair. Clothing should be chosen carefully paying attention to detail and neatness should always be paramount. Comfort and function is not important.Don’t be so loud. Avoid profanity and callous language at all cost. Be polite. Professionalism is always required. Carry yourself like a lady at all times.

She wants me to be strong and to demonstrate my inner feminine badass. Don’t stoop to acting like a weak little girl. I am not a doormat, do not allow anyone to walk all over me. Live life offensively and not defensively. As a woman, I should be using my voice to enact change and lead a revolution. Fight against injustice and demand respect. I can wear any clothes I want to wear and  the more shocking the better. Makeup is used to draw attention to the face and to prove I can be anything I choose to be. I should not be ashamed of my sexuality and my desires. Do not keep my voice down, I deserve to be heard. Use any language to facilitate proving my point. I am not scared of anyone. I am woman, hear me roar.

I am supposed to be brave yet cautious.

I am supposed to be concerned with my appearance yet self-depreciating.

I am supposed to be respectable yet be myself.

Generous and charitable while avoiding being used.

Smart yet teachable.

Confident and humble.

Strong and independent. Wait, unless someone wants me to be docile.

Clever and funny but not vulgar.

Opinionated yet deferential.

When I try too hard to meet the expectations everyone else has for me, I end up confused and unable to act. I find myself unable to make simple decisions. I become desperately unhappy.

I find it difficult to be everything I assume people expect of me. This is why it is important to surround ourselves with people who like us exactly as we are at that moment. Today, I choose to be me, authentically. 

Thinking Problems

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

imagesI may as well admit it, I have a thinking problem.

I continue to over analyze and obsess over every thing that pops into my head. I think it is because I am back to waiting to see when I am going to my new job. Waiting for licensure and credentialing to be completed is agonizing.

I hate waiting.

While I wait, I ruminate.

Agonize.

Worry.

Daydream.

Wonder.

Plot.

Anticipate.

When is all of this angst ever productive? In my experience, never. So, why do I continue to make myself crazy? I think it may be habit. I refuse to be one of those people who rush into decisions without having thought it all the way through. People who rush into things drive me crazy. Life decisions should be carefully considered.

My anxiety about making decisions is often misguided and borders on ridiculous. By the time I am done going over my options I no longer care which option I choose. I almost always have immediate buyer’s remorse. I should have gotten the other one. I also do the thing where I can’t decide between two options and I either get both, or neither. I have to tell sales people to stay away from me when I am making large purchases. If they are over there prattling on about the features and differences between two options, I get overwhelmed and change my mind. It is really a little embarrassing.

Big life decisions about where I want to work or live are often better left to chance. I do better if I am well-informed, but then when I am going about making the choice I try to see what works out best. The problem with this attitude is I am running the risk of making a choice because it is logistically simpler. Sometimes it is because there is less paperwork involved. I hate paperwork. I don’t like signing stuff and I REALLY don’t like signing stuff again.

I am trying to learn how to back off and relax while still evaluating decisions objectively. I am still trying to figure what characteristics are paramount and which are simply preferences. Location and money are important factors but not as desirable as an excellent learning opportunity. I have not figured out a scale to measure and evaluate decision yet. I think assigning traits a weight would help more than a simple pro and con checklist. What about things that are both pro and con? How do you measure which side wins?

I even manage to get weighed down with the decision to make a decision. It is somewhat ludicrous. Here I am trying to ascertain the proper method for ascertaining what I want out of life. I am actually starting to believe the most important skill of highly successful people must be the ability to decide and follow through with their decision. Where do you learn that skill?

So, where is the delineation between purposeful consideration and needless obsession? How does one go about making a decision and standing behind it with confidence?

Most importantly: How on earth do you make your brain turn off for a little while so you can get some sleep?