Tag: change

Hiding in the Open

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment


This is a beautiful day. The breeze is cool, the sun is just starting to come up, and the world is shaking off her sleepy cobwebs. This little fella (obviously I am assuming it is a he, we were not introduced) is awake and doing whatever it is squirrels do first thing in the morning. 

I imagine his name is Stan. He works hard and plays harder. His squirrel buddies like to meet up at the end of a long day and share a snack. The morning is time for work though. He is taking a break up here on the pole. Just hanging out while the sun warms his fur. He has no worries. He is hidden from danger. Stan fits in. 

Humans have this ability too. We are able to disguise ourselves so we can fit in. We can hide the most unique aspects of our soul to avoid drawing too much attention. This is our mistake. 

I know I tried too hard for years to be the girl I thought others wanted me to be. I kept my thoughts to myself. No. Not quite. I wanted to. I never actually succeeded. I was always too much and too little all at the same time. 

I don’t know what changed for me. I think I grew tired of trying to figure out the expectations others had for me. I was bored with trying to be someone else. I was frustrated with how unsettled I felt. My skin crawled over my bones. I was inauthentic to my core. 

So, I allowed myself to just be me. I stepped out of the shadows and at first the sun was too much. I would dart back to the brush and cower from the light. I struggled to live this new way of life. 

I did not have to rebel against authority or prove my point any longer. I had spent so long fighting both for and against myself and everyone around me until I was exhausted. I surrendered in order to save myself from an exceedingly messy battle. Perhaps this is simply growing up. 

It’s amazingly difficult to allow myself to be me. It’s hard to juggle tact with being honest. I still have a tendency to overreact and I am still strident at times. Sometimes I am unsure of what I want to accomplish on a given day. 

My interests tear a wide path of ideas. Expert in nothing while interested in so much. I find my brain gets overloaded by the foreign information. I can only process little bits at a time. My conversations are frequently random and hard to follow. 

Every day is a new adventure for me. Every interaction is a chance to learn something new. I try to keep an open mind. I try to remain teachable above all else. I feel like I am learning more about compassion than I ever knew before. There are so many different sides to each story. I am learning to appreciate the different perspectives. 

Sometimes I still hide. The good news is I very rarely find myself hiding from myself though. I am no longer ashamed of who I am. This is the most free I have ever been. I am open to new experiences and ideas. 

It is new and strange to feel this content. I still have my internal motor, but it no longer leaves me feeling anxious about running out of time. Now it just allows me to feel alive.  

So I don’t have to hide anymore. I get to be me. In what ways do you still find yourself hiding? What would it look like if you stepped out into the sunshine? 

There is Hello and Goodbye

~ ladyquirky ~ 4 Comments

 Perhaps Mr. Dickens said it best, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

2015 has been quite a year for me. Somehow I have managed to be both a complete failure and raging success all at the same time. Well, if we are being completely honest, neither of those things are true. 

I found myself facing a lot of difficult choices regarding my career, and it has all turned out to be better in the long run in so many ways. I have had to do a lot of self evaluation and some of the things I discovered were painful.I had made many mistakes and frankly, I was an asshole a lot of times. While I can attempt to justify the bad behavior and excuse it all away, I have to be honest with myself. This is the only way to facilitate growth and it is the only way I know to improve. My dream job was still the place I wanted to be more than anything in the world; it just was not working anymore.

Making the decision to leave was exceedingly difficult. I had so many people who wanted me to be successful. They had reached out to me and supported me completely. They were and are still on my side. Walking away from their protection and guidance was scary. They had taught me everything I know. I still miss working with them every day. I don’t think that will ever go away. I cherish my relationships with my dear friends, and I remain so grateful for everything they do for me.

I do not know how I started working as a locum, but it has been quite a ride. Just like any job it has good points and not so good points. One of the biggest perks is the freedom I have now. I have more financial stability than I have ever had in my life. I no longer have to worry if I have enough money to take care of my responsibilities. I can make plans to travel and go on adventures. I can spend some time worrying about something else now. Now, I am about to start a new assignment and I could not be more excited.

There were many other situations which were both wonderful and terrible. Tough Mudder for one. Let me just sum it up and say sometimes you have to be willing to let someone else lift you over that wall. It does not mean you are weak, everyone has their own limits and fears.

Friendships. I have so many new relationships. I have lost a few too. The pain and joy have been exquisite and I would not go back and change anything. It is okay to grow apart. Sometimes it is even okay to say goodbye.

This year has been full of hello and goodbyes. Each one is difficult at times.

Starting over is exciting and scary all at the same time. Sometimes saying goodbye is a relief even while it is ripping your heart out. There really are no easy answers. I have new friends who make me laugh and are just a phone call away. I have old friends who I am missing when I am far away. I have met new mentors and owe so much to my first mentors.

I have had the good fortune of having my family completely support every single endeavor and adventure I embark on. They have encouraged me to challenge myself and test my limits. They have reassured me they will always be there for me. Somehow I am closer to my family now than I was when I was at home. I think I have stopped taking them for granted as much. I know I only have limited time to see them and I had better make it a priority.

Life does not fit neatly into a box. It is all messy and hard to explain. I think this is part of what makes it all worthwhile. It seems that even things that appear to be opposing- such as the best of times and worst of times may just be two different sides of the story. Much like how it takes strength to be vulnerable. Perhaps it is just a sign of having intense feelings and really incredible experiences. I don’t think I would trade any of it for a more perfectly boring and normal life.

No, I think I will keep my hello and goodbyes.

Changes, Scars, and Progress

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

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Time heals all wounds. I have heard this saying my entire life. I don’t actually think this is the case. The benefit time affords us is distraction. The healing is an active process. It may not be a conscious or purposeful act, but under the surface scar tissue is being formed.

I have been experiencing  dramatic changes over the past year or so, most of them beyond my volition. In fact, I have fought against them with grit and desperation. I have had important relationships changed and sometimes dissolve, I have left my steady career, and I have started living the life of a traveller. I have struggled through attempts at regaining personal health and wellness. My entire life has turned upside down and inside out. Nothing is the same as it used to be.

Isn’t that what life is though? If we had to wake up and live the same day over and over again the monotony would be maddening. Change is a wonderful byproduct of experience. I want to believe I have been growing as a person, and the person I am becoming is a better version of me. I am not sure I can compare this me to the old me. I can say beyond question I am DIFFERENT. I have changed.

I am a little quieter. I have more empathy. I try harder to be diplomatic. I am branching out and learning about new things. I actively seek adventure. These improvements don’t underscore the fact that change is hard. It hurts. Sometimes it is debilitating.

I do not regret any of the choices I have made. Yes, I am scared of the unknown. I get nervous when I think about driving across the country to spend six months working in a specialty that has always been a bit of a mystery to me. The thought of snow (lots of snow) makes me wonder if I can handle driving in the winter wonderland of the Northeast. I am afraid I will look foolish and not know what I am doing.

It has taken me months to heal some of the heartache that came with leaving my job. I do still get to work there sometimes when I am at home, and that does help. Healing has not been easy. Some days the wounds were angry, red, oozing welts of bitterness and regret. Now, I can look at the wounds and remember they are there, but healed over nicely. Most of the time I don’t even notice the scars.

The changes in relationships have been a bit harder. These were deeply personal and painful breaks. Then I took a step back. Perhaps it was just change. Long distance friendships are hard to maintain under the best circumstances. Now, throw both people into their own private turmoil. Neither one has the ability to tell the other what they need, much less provide for those needs. Unfortunately, this could spell the end of an era. Maybe it will all work out in the end. I like to think so.

So, I guess the point is change is inevitable. It may leave you with wounds that need to be healed, but in the end it is all just progress. Today, I am content with where I am. I know I am on a grand adventure. I need to remember to enjoy the ride.