I am hungry. It is dinner time. I am thoroughly sick of everything here. I know right up the road… (at the place you can buy beer!) there may be something new. (This town is dry. Why are there still towns that are dry? Give me a break.)
This is seriously a place. I swear. Not a great selection but, you take what you can get.
First things first. Beer. Beer sounds good. I have had a long week. Now, I have to be honest I don’t usually get my seafood fix at establishments whose appearance is better suited for snow cones. This looked interesting though. There were other cars there. I assumed they were locals. It should be fine.
It was pretty good.
My only complaint about all the food here: it is so salty! I don’t eat a lot of added salt to my meals. In fact, I tend to border on gross, bland food because of my disdain for overly salted food.
I am more than 3/4 of the way through the long stretch of 18 days. I am getting tired. Today, I overslept. I am ready to go home, see my cats, see my family, use my new washing machine, sleep in my own bed, and get back to real life. Even if it is just for a week.
This week has been hard. I miss having my work family around me. I could have used a shoulder to cry on this morning. It’s okay. I will be fine. This is part of it. I have heard some amazing stories, and my heart is a little bigger for this experience. I have to do what is best for my patient, even if it breaks my heart a little. After all, it is not about me.
Fabian Oefner, the artist who took this picture- he gets me.
When I was a child, I was quite cognizant of exactly who had the right to tell me how to behave. If an adult gave me instructions, they were to be followed. My mother insisted we (my brother and I) were going to be well behaved children. For the most part, we were.
Now, I am an adult. I still crave direction. I don’t like ambiguity. If you have certain expectations of me, I need to know what they are. It is that simple. I tend to defer to whomever appears to be in charge. It just seems like respect to me.
As a professional, you have to be somewhat self directed and regulate your behavior independently. This is a lot of responsibility. I think this skill is honed somewhat in college. You are given a well- defined list of expectations (syllabus) and then it is up to you to meet your obligations. You develop time management skills, and learn that you can no longer wait until the last minute to do a semester’s worth of work. Oh. Wait. No, I did not learn that. I spent all semester agonizing over what I had to do, and then 12 hours before the due date I would finally sit down and try to assimilate the information into something coherent.
All the planning in the world, and I still rush through every thing. I wonder if this is a common problem. I try to keep up with every thing, and I have the best of intentions. I still wait. Where does the time go? Oh, well yeah. I stopped working and watched that infomercial. I found a blank piece of paper which was oddly lonely and wanting some doodles.
I wake up hours before I have to leave every day. I have to have time to waste. It takes me forever to get ready. Right now, my hair is dripping wet, and I am partially dressed and partially back in my PJs. Why couldn’t I just finish getting ready? Well, I decided to write about wasting time. I am wasting time writing about wasting time. Can I label this behavior productivity?
I start a book, which reminds me of another book I wanted to read so I go off to find the other book. Oh, look there is a stack of mail to go through. I make piles of mail. Not sure what each pile means. I convince myself I am sorting it out. Stick the mail in various spots around the house. So I can find it later. When I stumble across these random stacks of mail…. sometimes 6 months later, I am not sure why I kept it.
Oh, I was reading a book. Pick up magazine and thumb through it. I dogear articles I want to read later. If I were smart, I would just read it real quick. I spend so much time preparing to do things. It is a struggle.
Oh. Crap. I need to go fix my hair. I pin up the top and start to work on the bottom half. Oh! I need to check Facebook. I have 300 emails. Start going through them. I should save that one to look at when I have more time. I need to drink some water. Walk into the kitchen, and see that I need to do some dishes. Start the dishes. My hair! I have to fix my hair. I wonder if the cats have been fed. Wander into the other room to check the cat bowl. Get distracted on the way by a Target bag. What is in here? OH! Socks. I love socks.
I now have ten minutes to get ready for work. Ponytail it is.
I need a nanny. Maybe a house husband. What was this post supposed to be about? Oh. Who is the boss of me? Unfortunately, me.
This is just a sample of what my mornings are like. The struggle is real. I did read an article about the cartel digging tunnels. I want to read more about that. Oh… I want one of those miniature foxes. Are these earthquake people right? I should go visit Seattle before it is washed away.
ADD and me. It is always entertaining. Squirrel.
Oh! I want to paint. I wish I had paints. I wonder if I could go get some. Doh! I have to get ready for work. Let me check my email real quick. I wonder what is on HBO right now…. Oops. I forgot to take my meds. Oh. and I have to get dressed.
This is pretty much a perfect fortune for me. How did the fortune gurus know that contentment is my most elusive goal?
I have shared about waiting for my life to begin many times. I always feel like I am waiting. Contentment is my white whale. The inner peace I have been hunting my entire life. I used to think it was success, fame, or fortune I was looking for.
So, what does contentment feel like? Is it just a feeling of calm? Is it gratitude? Does the rushed, panicked fear of running out of time dissipate?
I am not sure what this is going to entail. I am no longer sure what my future holds for me. I don’t even know what I want it to look like. For now, the closest thing to contentment I can find is satisfaction in knowing I am doing the best I can do. I am learning. I am working. I am being more open-minded.
I am experiencing new things at an astonishing rate.
Will I finally find contentment when I accept myself as being exactly where I am supposed to be?
These days I find myself a little adrift. I am forced to depend on myself, and to reassure myself I am doing an adequate job. There is no one looking out for me. This is new. I tend to adopt parents, role models, and mentors every where I go.
Perhaps contentment will come from standing on my own two feet. Finally proving to myself I can actually do it. I don’t have to have someone holding my hand through all the scary parts. I can work hard, and figure it out.
The adventures keep presenting themselves. I am going to make it a point to go experience as many new things as I possibly can. I do not want to feel like I have wasted my life waiting for some magic transformation. I have to facilitate the growth. I have to allow good things into my life.
No more remembering the past with rose-colored glasses. No more wistful daydreaming of the future. No more dreading yesterday or tomorrow. I am going to spend today loving the day. Appreciating myself. Treating myself a little kinder.
I get to meet new people. I get to be called a whole slew of pet names. Today, I got a “honey pie,” “sugar pie,” “hun,” and “Sweetie.” All in one patient’s room. (Kinda wishing they would have just called me Princess… but I suppose you can’t win them all.)
No one gets to decide who I am going to be except me. It is okay to set boundaries. It is okay to reach out to other people. It is perfectly acceptable to ask for assistance. No one expects me to be perfect. I can relax a little sometimes. Life is not a race. It is a winding path. You never know who or what you will encounter. May as well enjoy the surprise.
I love my new pillow. It is squishy and wonderful. I can ball it up and form it into a perfect nest for my weary head. A couple of months ago, I did not know a new pillow could make sleep such a comforting endeavor. Since he entered my life, I look forward to my well deserved break every night.
I forgot my pillow. Sleep is less fun. I have a little moment of regret and loss every night when I lay my head on the cold, uncaring hotel pillows. They do not cradle my head and leave me feeling secure. They just lay there. It is almost as if they are just doing their job, they certainly don’t go above and beyond. They don’t invest part of their soul into making sure I get a good night’s sleep.
My new pillow takes his job seriously. He works as long as I need him too, and he rarely asks to take off early. (Well, except for that one night when he decided to take a walk off the edge of the bed to the floor. We talked about it and he promised to try to control himself from now on.)
My mother used to say I would argue with a fence post if it would stand there long enough. I am fairly certain she was exaggerating. I was mildly well, in my mind it was mildly, quick to offer an opposing viewpoint when I was younger. To be honest, I just love a good debate. I can generally see more than one side to just about any issue. This makes it difficult for me to choose a side.
I was eight years old when I was given Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. It is basically a manual for interpersonal relationship building. My issue with this book is that it seems to be written for salespeople. Sure, you want to gain people’s trust and to get them to buy into your ideas in the workplace. The book title sounds somewhat nefarious. Am I supposed to be fake and disingenuous in order to get my way?
No.
Once you delve into the book, you realize most of it is a handbook on how to be charming. I do not know many women who have this skill. At least there are not many women who charm me. However, I am a sucker for a charming man. There is some trick some men do. I have watched them. I am drawn in by them, even when I am trying to avoid it.
Do you know the shoulder touch? You are standing there talking to someone. You can be discussing the rain or any trivial subject, and they lean in a little closer. If they are taller than you, which most men are taller than me, they lean down and in a little, and they touch your shoulder or arm. Eye contact is paramount. They speak softly. Then you find yourself feeling a little giggly inside. It does not matter what position they hold on a subject, I find myself agreeing with them! I would fight to the death to defend their point of view. Well, maybe not to the death… but I would vehemently back them up. It is the craziest thing.
What is that magic power???? How do they do that? What part of my inner self are they speaking to? More importantly, where do they learn that?
Sometimes I find myself wondering if they are being all charming and persuasive on purpose, or if they are just that slick all the time. Does my weakness for the arm touch mean I am a sucker? Probably.
So, what’s the point?
There is a certain amount of charm and persuasion one must possess to be a good leader. Assholes are rarely inspiring. There seems to be a level of charisma required to actually inspire change in people. So, I find myself studying this book. It is not about specific leadership skills in a specific field, it is about how to win people’s confidence.
I have to know more about this subject. I think the best place to start is asking one of the charmers I know. I can imagine he will give me a look and refuse to answer the question, but I am going to ask anyway. Here are my questions:
Do you realize you are being charming?
Are you doing it on purpose?
Where did you learn that?
Does it require practice?
Are you careful about when you choose to employ this skill?
What happens when it backfires?
What does that look like?
I assume there are people who are immune to your charms, do you try to change tactics, or do you try to avoid those folks?
Is there anything I can do for you?
See? It always ends up there. What can I do for you? Sneaky, charming men! I am mostly kidding, except I am not. I am seriously a sucker for the arm touch.
Holy Cow, Man!
I was watching Magic Mike on Sunday, and while it is certainly not a study on human behavior, I found myself marveling at the way “Male Entertainers” use charm to make their act more inviting. It is actually about giving people what they want. Of course it helps when they are seriously hot. So, here are some of my favorite pics from google…
I have to get a Rolls Royce.Seriously, can you be better looking?Swoon.Rescue me. Please.
Joe Manganiello is a good example of a charming hot guy. There are a lot more pictures of him I like, but this is a nice selection. He is beautiful. Oh! I got distracted. I was trying to make a point. Oh, well. It seems to be gone now.
It is not only extremely good-looking people who attract me. My newest crush is Anthony Bourdain. I am not sure what it is… I mean, he is older than my mother by nearly a decade. He is certainly not unattractive, but he is no Joe. I think it could be how passionate he seems. When people are passionate about their career, I find myself drawn in. I become interested in what they are interested in. I mean, if they love it so much it must be cool.
So, forget reading books on leadership. Be nice. Find ways to engage other people. Lean in and do the arm touch. Find your passion, and share it with others. It does not seem to be that difficult. Or, if all else fails be incredibly hot and avoid acting like an ass.
PS… I can’t wait to ask some of the charming men I know these questions. I wonder if they will play along and answer them.
Come on! How could you not love this monkey? He is adorable! He looks like a little old man.This little doggie makes me laugh. He (she?) reminds me of all the little dogs in my life. I love them. They are such fierce protectors. LOL.This would be funnier if my ringtone was not formerly Call Me, Maybe. I love cheesy pop music.Can someone please explain to me how we think it is okay to dress our dogs up? Wait! I know. To make memes is good. Okay. Carry on.Best advice I have seen in a while.
So, I use Facebook as a distraction. Just a little something to make me laugh. I thought I would share some of the things I have enjoyed this week. Oh, and an elevator selfie. I could not pass up the opportunity for a funny picture.
Only three more work days until I get to go home. I miss my new bed. I miss my cats. Yeah, I am a little homesick. I suppose this is normal.
I am somewhat convinced this experience will leave me better off in the long run. It is worth it. I have met some interesting people, and I am learning a lot about myself.
I want to continue to grow both professionally and personally. This is a great way to ensure that. I cannot help but wonder what adventures are coming next. How long can a person maintain this pace?
This weekend when I go home, I get to go to work at my old job. I can’t wait. I miss seeing my nurse coworkers. I miss Work Mommy and Work Daddy (hehehe.) I am so glad to get to work with them again, even if it is just for a few days.
Most importantly, I want to see my family. I love them so much. They are my anchor in this world. When I feel uncentered and adrift, they help me to keep my feet planted on the ground. So, three more days until I head home… I am ecstatic.
So, you never realize how little sleep you are getting, until you get a new bed. Last night was my first night in my new bedroom. I decided to take it for a test run, so I turned on Grease and promptly fell asleep before the opening credits were even finished.
This morning I woke up and feel fantastic. I am not stiff and sore. It is like I finally skipped my nightly battle with a worn out mattress.
Buying a new bed is a big purchase. I think some of us take the importance of proper support for granted. (Part of me wonders why it took me so long to make this purchase.) For now, I am up and ready to face the day. (Secretly, I can’t wait for bedtime tonight.) That is how you know you made the right choice.
There comes a time when I have to lose the quixotic attitude I have concerning my employment. My capricious ways are exhausting. I know without a doubt this new opportunity is something I need to pursue.
I have spent my entire career in the same health system, and in order to continue to grow, it is time for me to branch out. Yeah, I am scared of going to a new place. New doctors, new patients, new EMR. Then, I remember how lovely the block schedule is going to be. 7- 10 days off at a time. Wow! I am going to have more time to devote to writing, and I just bought a new camera. I want to learn photography.
After spending all these years focused so intently on my career, I have decided I need more. I need to be a whole person. I owe it to myself.
Change is scary. I am leaving my support system at work. I always know who to seek out for advice. They have made a nice work family for me, and I am going to miss them terribly.
Nothing great ever happens if you do not take a chance.
I am going to spend the next two weekends seeing friends and Mudder Buddies. There are a lot of June babies in our group, and I can’t wait to celebrate with them. I never dreamed it would take me 35 years to get some courage. Concerts and Barbecues. It is gonna be fantastic. I think we are meeting up to go hiking with some Tough Mudder Dallas peeps.
My first picture with my new camera. I have no idea what I am doing, and I need to get some editing software and learn to use it. However, I think it is rather symbolic. There are alway blue skies behind the clouds.
Life is an adventure. May as well explore the possibilities.
Outside San Angelo, actually- in Christoval. I love it there.
I was driving home from a job interview 400 miles away from my city, and the journey took me through my hometown. As I pulled out of town, I saw a huge moon rising in my rearview mirror, while the sun was setting ahead of me. It was a stunning sight.
I was reminded of a book I read, West of The Moon. It is about a little boy who is dying from cancer, and the mediation he used required him to go to his safe place. It was a meadow that was West of the Moon, and East of the Sun. He had a guide, who if I remember correctly was a cowboy.
There are lots of cowboys in my hometown.
I love when I get lucky enough to see the moon rising while the sun is setting. It makes me feel centered. Almost like there are bookends around our planet.
There are so many things I am so grateful for. I have been given so many opportunities, and many people have helped me become the person I am. I have had amazing teachers, mentors, family, and friends. They have been my guides.
I can only hope I am able to find new guides while I branch out and learn new skills. I plan to take the lessons I have learned with me, and to be a good example of the kind of person they have taught me to be.
I am so excited to see what the future holds for me, and I can’t wait to embark on the next chapter.
*I should probably stop playing with the photo editing app I have on my iPhone, and actually learn how to edit photos. Right now, all I do is randomly select things and see what they do. I am probably making a mess of it all.
Now, I have to be honest I don’t usually get my seafood fix at establishments whose appearance is better suited for snow cones. This looked interesting though. There were other cars there. I assumed they were locals. It should be fine.
It was pretty good.
The Accidental Boxer 
