Category: Personal stuff

Clocks

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

This morning I woke up an hour before my alarm clock went off. Wait, I am lying… I do not have an alarm clock. I use my iPhone. Anyway, I woke up early. I woke up early before my get up early and go to the gym alarm. This got me to thinking. Clocks.

There are many clocks in our lives. Our cells are slowly dying and being born all to an internal clock. Our children grow up and change to their internal clock. We are born and we die to some unknown clock. It reminds me of the movie- All Dogs go to Heaven. We all have a clock that will eventually run out of time.

We spend every day racing against the clock that we have set for ourselves. I have a goal- to do a Tough Mudder- in 3 months and something like 16 days. I am in no way ready. I am still not strong enough to pull myself up and over a wall. I still weigh somewhere near 300 pounds. I am scared. I am scared that I cannot do it. I am scared that I will embarrass myself. These fears are part of what is driving me to wake up early enough to go to the gym at 4 in the morning.

We all assume that we will live to reach old age. We have plenty of time to accomplish everything in life that we believe we should. There is plenty of time to focus on our career before we settle down and have children. We can wait until we have enough money, until we have earned accolades professionally. The bad part is- that damn clock. It is ticking down an ever quickening countdown until our eggs are old and cracked. We never know exactly what age is too late.

I always thought that someday my life would begin. I kept waiting for the alarm to go off- and I would finally be a grown up. I am in danger of missing my entire life waiting for that moment. That is part of the reason I have to do this TM. I need to start living life- and stop waiting until I am good enough. I am good enough now.

A woman I work with lost her son this weekend. He was shot by his older brother, on accident. This led me to imagine how I would survive in that situation. What regrets would I have? Would I wish I had done more with Ty? Would I wish I had told him I loved him one more time? Of course. There is no way to live with absolutely no regrets. We can only do the best we can. This requires constant vigilance. We have to strive to be the best person we can be every single day. I have so many things I want to learn. So many things that I want to get better at.

Boxing is still so tough. This very nice girl in my boxing class made an astute observation last night- as I wheezed and panted my way through the workout. She said, “you give up on yourself to easily- you quit.” Wow. I do. I convince myself that I cannot push through. The mental aspect of boxing and working out is such a struggle for me. I have spent my entire life underestimating my ability and my strength. I have 15 weeks until my TM. I am not going to be thin by then. I am not going to have some amazing super girl transformation before I go meet all these people who have been supporting my journey to wellness. I am still going to be a work in progress. You know what? That is okay. All the best people are a work in progress for their entire lives. I need to enjoy the work. Our life is a journey. A quest of sorts. I need to relish in the adventure of it all. And stop waiting for the damn alarm to go off.

The Real World

~ ladyquirky ~ 1 Comment

So- let me start off with saying that I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends. They have been gently encouraging me to start this journey for a while. They did something amazing though. They loved me even before I was ready to start. They offered to go with me- SD even offered to train me. I was not ready.

What changed?

There was not this one big life shattering moment where I knew I had to get healthy. It was a plethora of small earthquakes that began to change who I am. Angela was on this self- discovery kick (and it was rubbing off because I was her guinea pig.) I was seeing those posts on Facebook. More than anything- I was bored. I was boring myself. I had no hobbies- the only thing I could talk about was work. I was drinking too much. I was so tired all the time. The most important part is this… I was waiting! For what? I have no idea- for my real life to begin. My life had been divided up into goals- graduating from Nursing School- getting a job- Transferring to MICU- Graduating from Grad school- getting THE JOB— and each one of these periods of life- I put myself on hold- and waited for real life to start. I had run out of goals. I needed a challenge. I needed something to push me harder than I have ever been pushed before.

I started reading about health and nutrition. I started looking at how to change your body the healthy way. Learning about food was really important. Turns out- I know NOTHING about what your body needs to be strong. Funny- since I have spent so much money to be an educated healthcare professional. Now, am I doing great with the nutrition part? Ummm. No. I still have a weakness for cheeseburgers and tortillas.

So, where is this real world? When is my life going to start? It already has- and if I don’t hurry up and participate in it- I am going to miss the whole damn thing. I have to live my life in a way that entertains me. I need something to work for. I thought I would focus on weight loss- but, that was boring and not healthy. Hell- I can lose weight. There are surgeries and pills for that. It’s not that hard.

It is hard to walk into a boxing gym for class- and to hit that bag as hard as I can even if my batwings are flying in my tank top. I could listen to that little voice in my head that tells me “No one wants you here. You don’t belong here. Lose some weight before you come in here.” I could listen to the voice that tells me the only way to lose weight is to not eat. Instead- I’m going to keep telling myself- You got this! Turns out it is okay to be good to yourself. It is okay to be confident. Walking into that gym for every class is a victory for me. There are times that it is soooo painful. It has taken me 3 months to stay for the abs class at the end. I cannot do many of the exercises correctly- so, I modify them. I do T25 modified too. It is okay to get on the treadmill even if the fastest you can go is 3 mph. It is all good that you can only “run” for 30 seconds. (and that the run is more of a disjointed limping slow-motion movement that does not really resemble running at all.)

The whole point is- I have lost 40 pounds- I probably need to lose 130 more. I am still very large- and my body is still adjusting to all this activity. I have to protect my joints- because they have a lot of weight straining them. I am a klutz with very little body awareness. I have to be careful where I step. I have to make sure that I am eating enough. My body needs fuel. Not that non-fat crap I used to eat- all the while getting fatter.

So- today, I choose to learn more about how to be active and healthy. I am searching for activities that I am working toward. I am seeking new challenges- and working on improving at the ones I have started. I love boxing. I like lifting weights. I hate Cardio. I hate (can’t do- yet) running. But, I am learning. I am working. And- I am going to do it. I have never failed to reach a goal that I really wanted. NEVER. So. That is why- I totally got this.

The Accidental Boxer

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

So, I was conned into starting a blog by my best friend (aka: my person), Angela. She is also part of the reason I am mucking my way through this new lifestyle. Maybe I should tell you a little about me first.

I am a 34-year-old single mother. No- I have never been married. My son is 15 and he is my favorite person in the entire world. I am a Nurse Practitioner, and I am ecstatic to be working with the group that employs me. I have been overweight for years. I was never an athlete- sure wanted to be though. A few months ago I joined this group on Facebook- it is a group of people who are just trying to be healthy- and they post about their health journey. I was not that impressed at first- but, I kept watching these posts go by on my newsfeed. Then, one day on my way to lunch, I decided to stop at Planet Fitness. No, I did not want a tour. Just sign me up- hurry! This place was creeping me out! The next morning I got up early and went. That was the beginning. After about 3 weeks a friend of mine asked me to go to her boxing class. I told her I was not sure I was ready- just because I had only lost 14 pounds and everything was still so hard!!!

Kimberli took this pic after class. I can't believe I was trying to box in that shirt!
Kimberli took this pic after class. I can’t believe I was trying to box in that shirt!

Here’s the news- I WENT! I was convinced I was going to die- and I was BAD! I could not figure out how to stand- let alone throw a punch. I was wearing multiple layers of clothes… and I just knew I did not belong there. But- three things happened. 1. Kimberli took some pics of me after class, 2. She told me to keep the boxing gloves she had loaned me because I would need them when I came back, and 3. I posted those pics on the group page and everyone was so excited and supportive. So, I went on Monday and signed up. Have not looked back since.  Heck- the second class I even took off my long- sleeved shirt and wore a tank.

These days I go to class 3-4 times a week. I am getting stronger, and more importantly, my self- confidence is growing. I wear dresses now. I have a few muscles that you can see if you squint your eyes really hard. The most important change has been in my mentality. My goal is no longer to weigh a certain number or to be a certain size. My goals center around making my body strong and healthy so that I can do more with it. I was tired of sitting on the sidelines of life because I was too fat to participate. I want to go on adventures.

So, I have made a decision. I am going to keep boxing- duh! I am also going to start training for a Tough Mudder. Holy Crap!