The Real World

So- let me start off with saying that I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends. They have been gently encouraging me to start this journey for a while. They did something amazing though. They loved me even before I was ready to start. They offered to go with me- SD even offered to train me. I was not ready.

What changed?

There was not this one big life shattering moment where I knew I had to get healthy. It was a plethora of small earthquakes that began to change who I am. Angela was on this self- discovery kick (and it was rubbing off because I was her guinea pig.) I was seeing those posts on Facebook. More than anything- I was bored. I was boring myself. I had no hobbies- the only thing I could talk about was work. I was drinking too much. I was so tired all the time. The most important part is this… I was waiting! For what? I have no idea- for my real life to begin. My life had been divided up into goals- graduating from Nursing School- getting a job- Transferring to MICU- Graduating from Grad school- getting THE JOB— and each one of these periods of life- I put myself on hold- and waited for real life to start. I had run out of goals. I needed a challenge. I needed something to push me harder than I have ever been pushed before.

I started reading about health and nutrition. I started looking at how to change your body the healthy way. Learning about food was really important. Turns out- I know NOTHING about what your body needs to be strong. Funny- since I have spent so much money to be an educated healthcare professional. Now, am I doing great with the nutrition part? Ummm. No. I still have a weakness for cheeseburgers and tortillas.

So, where is this real world? When is my life going to start? It already has- and if I don’t hurry up and participate in it- I am going to miss the whole damn thing. I have to live my life in a way that entertains me. I need something to work for. I thought I would focus on weight loss- but, that was boring and not healthy. Hell- I can lose weight. There are surgeries and pills for that. It’s not that hard.

It is hard to walk into a boxing gym for class- and to hit that bag as hard as I can even if my batwings are flying in my tank top. I could listen to that little voice in my head that tells me “No one wants you here. You don’t belong here. Lose some weight before you come in here.” I could listen to the voice that tells me the only way to lose weight is to not eat. Instead- I’m going to keep telling myself- You got this! Turns out it is okay to be good to yourself. It is okay to be confident. Walking into that gym for every class is a victory for me. There are times that it is soooo painful. It has taken me 3 months to stay for the abs class at the end. I cannot do many of the exercises correctly- so, I modify them. I do T25 modified too. It is okay to get on the treadmill even if the fastest you can go is 3 mph. It is all good that you can only “run” for 30 seconds. (and that the run is more of a disjointed limping slow-motion movement that does not really resemble running at all.)

The whole point is- I have lost 40 pounds- I probably need to lose 130 more. I am still very large- and my body is still adjusting to all this activity. I have to protect my joints- because they have a lot of weight straining them. I am a klutz with very little body awareness. I have to be careful where I step. I have to make sure that I am eating enough. My body needs fuel. Not that non-fat crap I used to eat- all the while getting fatter.

So- today, I choose to learn more about how to be active and healthy. I am searching for activities that I am working toward. I am seeking new challenges- and working on improving at the ones I have started. I love boxing. I like lifting weights. I hate Cardio. I hate (can’t do- yet) running. But, I am learning. I am working. And- I am going to do it. I have never failed to reach a goal that I really wanted. NEVER. So. That is why- I totally got this.