I know. It’s funny to make fun of all the silly people who take selfies all the time. I completely disagree with those folks though. There was a time I went out of my way to avoid being in pictures. I hated seeing myself. It was entirely too easy to avoid being in the photos.
This all started to change when I was taking my son to New York City. I found a walking tour with a photographer. I realized how few pictures there were of the two of us together, and I desperately wanted them. This was the beginning of my commitment to my son to give him photographic evidence of our life together. I have never heard someone lament they had too many photos of their loved ones.
These photos and the selfies I have been taking with my friends and family are a way to demonstrate I care enough to want a reminder of our relationship.
There are so many people from my past I can barely remember. I have almost no photos of us together (that is if I am lucky to have any at all.) I will not live life that way anymore. I understand before we had instant access to a camera and seemingly unlimited electronic storage it was more difficult. There is no excuse now.
Trust me, most of the time I think I look horrible in these pictures. I got the wrong angle, my chin is super fat, or my nose is all wrinkled up. The people who know me know what I look like. They love me no matter what face the camera managed to catch. If they don’t, I don’t give a shit anyway. I am not totally made up and looking fabulous in all of these photos. I am just my most authentic self.
When I was choosing these photos I was deliberate about choosing memories I loved and not focusing on my perception of my flaws. This is hard for a girl like me. I tend to focus on all the reasons I should not be in the pictures.
Then I get a grip. Of course I should be in the photos of my life! I should get as many photos of me with the people I love as possible. We should really stop worrying about what we think people are thinking about us, and realize most people don’t care. We are hurting ourselves and our friends and family when we refuse to take a picture with them.
These are just a few of my favorite memories from this year. I have been so lucky to be able to go out and meet new people. I have had so many awesome adventures. These people are so special to me and I am excited to have photos I can reminisce over. I would not trade any of these photos for one airbrushed inaccurate representation of my life.
I have no intention of stopping the selfie craze. I refuse to hide from the camera anymore. I hope more of us continue this zany trend.
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook tonight. It seemed remarkably appropriate for my current situation. Well, except no princes have been proposing to me lately, however that is hardly the point.
I hear women call themselves survivors frequently. I have had that term draped around my neck a time or two myself. I realized today I don’t want to be a survivor. I don’t want to simply survive my life. I want to thrive. I want to find new adventures and challenges. I don’t need to be rescued.
Too often we allow the baggage of our past to drag us down. We find ourselves swimming against the current and fighting our own progress. Sometimes it is best to simply relax and see where the river’s flow will take us.
I refuse to be a captive to the little voice in my head telling me I can’t succeed. I refuse to settle and fail to accomplish my goals to the absolute best of my ability. I won’t be a victim to my thinking or anyone else’s actions.
I have already achieved so much more than I ever believed I would. There is no indication I am going to be a failure. I deserve to give myself a break.
Survival is about living with the past. I am going to do well despite the past. I can do anything I want to do.
Some people say they are fighters. I don’t want to fight. That is painful and violent. I am going to live my life with an open mind and an open heart. I am not a fighter.
Time heals all wounds. I have heard this saying my entire life. I don’t actually think this is the case. The benefit time affords us is distraction. The healing is an active process. It may not be a conscious or purposeful act, but under the surface scar tissue is being formed.
I have been experiencing dramatic changes over the past year or so, most of them beyond my volition. In fact, I have fought against them with grit and desperation. I have had important relationships changed and sometimes dissolve, I have left my steady career, and I have started living the life of a traveller. I have struggled through attempts at regaining personal health and wellness. My entire life has turned upside down and inside out. Nothing is the same as it used to be.
Isn’t that what life is though? If we had to wake up and live the same day over and over again the monotony would be maddening. Change is a wonderful byproduct of experience. I want to believe I have been growing as a person, and the person I am becoming is a better version of me. I am not sure I can compare this me to the old me. I can say beyond question I am DIFFERENT. I have changed.
I am a little quieter. I have more empathy. I try harder to be diplomatic. I am branching out and learning about new things. I actively seek adventure. These improvements don’t underscore the fact that change is hard. It hurts. Sometimes it is debilitating.
I do not regret any of the choices I have made. Yes, I am scared of the unknown. I get nervous when I think about driving across the country to spend six months working in a specialty that has always been a bit of a mystery to me. The thought of snow (lots of snow) makes me wonder if I can handle driving in the winter wonderland of the Northeast. I am afraid I will look foolish and not know what I am doing.
It has taken me months to heal some of the heartache that came with leaving my job. I do still get to work there sometimes when I am at home, and that does help. Healing has not been easy. Some days the wounds were angry, red, oozing welts of bitterness and regret. Now, I can look at the wounds and remember they are there, but healed over nicely. Most of the time I don’t even notice the scars.
The changes in relationships have been a bit harder. These were deeply personal and painful breaks. Then I took a step back. Perhaps it was just change. Long distance friendships are hard to maintain under the best circumstances. Now, throw both people into their own private turmoil. Neither one has the ability to tell the other what they need, much less provide for those needs. Unfortunately, this could spell the end of an era. Maybe it will all work out in the end. I like to think so.
So, I guess the point is change is inevitable. It may leave you with wounds that need to be healed, but in the end it is all just progress. Today, I am content with where I am. I know I am on a grand adventure. I need to remember to enjoy the ride.
Steve Jobs was not a very popular movie. My son did not particularly like it. I loved it. This is probably due to my persistent romanticizing of any father figure who attempts, however awkward and clumsy, to connect with their daughter. Steve Jobs was not a good parent to his first child. I am left with the impression that he worked to rectify the relationship in his own way, and I loved it. Jobs certainly had issues. I am not sure I would have liked him, okay that’s a lie, I am completely drawn to people like him. He was portrayed both as brutally demanding and fiercely protective of his people. I relate to this. I am often passionate about my beliefs to the point I get a little excitable. It is a bit of a flaw of mine. I am admittedly a little jealous of those people who manage to stay cool and collected all the time. How do they do that??? Secretly, I bet they have skeletons in the closet. Maybe even real ones. People should get worked up about stuff sometimes. It is what makes us human. Dispassionate people scare me. Seriously. However, they seem to be more productive than the erratic ones. That topic is too big for Daddy Issues.
I was also interested by the way Sorkin and Boyle handled the relationship with John Scully. John Scully addressed his relationship with Jobs in 2013 at the Forbes Global CEO Conference. You can watch the video here. I was struck by the amount of regret he still carries in regards to the relationship with his former friend. More importantly, I was impressed by his dedication to being a mentor. There were several times the movie alluded to Scully and Jobs having a father- son relationship. So, essentially John Scully was Steve Job’s Work Daddy. I tend to think most of us need one. At least I do.
My relationships with my former work parents remain strong. I still turn to them for professional advice and guidance. I still rely on their opinion and expertise to help me make good decisions about my future. I am sure they find this exhausting at times, especially since there have been so many potential jobs. I hope I adequately convey my appreciation. I really do understand it is an investment in their time and energy.
I have been extraordinarily lucky to have the relationships I do with some of the most intelligent people I know. They have constantly supported me through my professional career, and it has been a bumpy ride at times. My work parents have taken the time to teach me lessons and to help me grow as a professional, they have counseled me and offered advice, and they have used lessons they have learned to illustrate how they understand my struggles. They never left me hollow and inadequate, they taught me. Just like good parents teach their children. Hence, work parents. (I know, TG says grown ups just have mentors. I have both!)
So, as I continue on this interesting quest for adventure, professional fulfillment, and possibly even enlightenment, I must remember to keep an eye out for people who have something to teach. I continue to be amazed when I meet someone new who likes to impart information and experience. It is even better when they take the time to help me learn how to apply it to my personal and professional growth. People come into our lives, and if we pay attention we just might get lucky enough to benefit from their experiences.
These relationships require a level of vulnerability that can be intimidating for some people. It is hard to allow someone to see your insecurities and faults. It takes humility to allow someone to judge your actions. You cannot allow someone offering you guidance to hurt your feelings. You have to leave your pride out of the equation. This is hard at times. I found myself wanting to defend my actions. Sometimes, it was not even the point I was necessarily wrong, it was just there was a better way to handle situations in the future. It is all about growth and progress. Growing pains hurt.
I still miss my old job. I miss having people I knew and trusted available at a moment’s notice. I am having to learn to operate in foreign environments and I do not always have all the information I would have readily available. I know much more about the EMR there. I know my nurses there. I know all the other physicians. It does make a difference. However, I keep telling myself this is a great opportunity to learn. I am learning so many new things. I can’t wait to see what I learn next. So, while this job is in some ways infinitely more difficult, I get to become a better Nurse Practitioner. This is only going to improve the care I am able to provide. So, I will struggle on and deal with the stress. It will be worth it. I hope.
We all know I have never been one of the cool kids. It’s okay. It is what it is. Let’s be honest, I would rather have the freedom to be exactly who I am instead of being held accountable to other’s expectations for me.
I was so fiercely unconcerned with fitting in, I was willing to be an outcast. I was perfectly satisfied being me. Unfortunately, this attitude has left me with only a rudimentary understanding of social protocols and I tend to be somewhat awkward.
A little over a year ago, I joined an online health club, which soon led me to join a gym and after a few months, I was boxing. Well, taking a boxing class. I started to “talk” to these new friends of mine, and eventually I started meeting them. Now, I can honestly say a lot of them are my friends.
I have people available to “talk” to 24 hours a day. Someone is always awake.
I get to go on adventures with new people all the time!
There is very little pressure with being FB friends. If I am not busy we can chat, otherwise it can wait.
So, for all you out there judging people who make friends in unorthodox ways, get on over it. Seriously, it is no big deal.
Hey there. Remember me? Yep. I am coming back. I know last time I was miserable and had a terrible blister on my heel, but time heals all wounds.
So, I am asking for you to please be kind to my group. Please let us have fun and let this challenge strengthen all of our resolve to live boldly and to continue to find new adventures and challenges.
I need you to know, I am bringing the most important person in the world with me to this course. Yep. My kiddo. Since you lowered the age limit to 16, I am letting him come along. Please look after him and make sure you don’t do anything stupid like break his bones. I need him to come home in one piece or my mother will kill me. I know there may be a few battle wounds, but let them be superficial. I want him to see this experience as a challenge he can overcome. I want him to experience all the fun my muddy buddies offer.
I hate to break it to you, I am still TERRIFIED of heights, and the gym and I have been estranged. I promise to do my best and try to keep my negative inner voice in check.
I am super excited about this, and I know you can’t wait to see me again. Please just let the photographers get one good pic of me. Please?
Humbly,
Lady Quirky
P.S. After this one, we only have one more planned. So, you only have two more chances to help me overcome some of these fears. I know you can do it.
Getting ready for my next muddy adventure. This time, my son is going with me. I am stoked to see him go on his own personal quest to see what it is like to face a challenge with such a diverse group of people.
The most important parts of this trip will be sharing some history and challenges with my main guy. He has been there with me for so many of my “firsts” and I can’t wait to experience Philadelphia with him.
Tough Mudder is in some ways the bane of my existence. I don’t actually have that much fun out there, and I really have no business trying to do this. Oh, well. I am going to do this because I can. I can persevere. Honestly I am just thankful for the lack of elevation in PA.
So, 2015 is the Year of Adventure for me. I have learned some lessons, better underwear choices for playing in the mud comes to mind, and I have made some new friends. I have left the job of my dreams, and I am still okay.
Tough Mudder is not a race. It is a chance to be part of a group working together. I am not afraid of it this time. I am actually a little at peace with my phobias and fears. I am taking my camera and watching my boy have the adventure of his life. It is not always about me. It is okay for me to give up a little comfort for my son to have a life changing experience.
My son will get to meet Captain America, and he will meet The Blogger. There are several other superheroes who will be there with our group. I am excited to see where Ty finds his place among these men. I am counting on them to show him how to give back. I am counting on them to keep me from giving up.
I was driving through the northeast corner of New Mexico when I was forced to stop and take a selfie. Raton is not my favorite city and I was actually planning on driving right on by, however I really needed something to drink and to have a little pit stop. I pulled off into the first parking lot I saw, and you cannot possibly imagine my delight when I met this fella.
I was afraid he was going to lash out and attack me. (I mean, what kind of establishment has a guard bear?)
Don’t worry, he was chained down. Seriously? Are they afraid he will get away?
I somehow figured out his name MUST be Bert the Bear, and I am convinced I should have spent a little more time investigating this situation. Why is this bear being held captive in front of this tourist trap? Who is a tourist in Raton? Shhh. I was NOT a tourist! Just because I stopped to take a selfie in front of a highway restaurant does NOT make me a tourist. Wait until you see the bathroom pics in the next installment of Signs. Yep, I am still that girl. Sorry, not sorry.
I suppose you could say I have a weird fascination with inanimate animals. I want them to be having conversations when my back is turned. I guess sometimes the fantasy of childhood stories is still attractive to me. What if these frozen creatures are just waiting to become real?
Margery Williams said it best in The Velveteen Rabbit.
“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Oh, talk about a trip down memory lane. Google Smokey the Bear, I dare you. It is awesome.
Perhaps Bert the Bear just needs to be loved, then he can become real. He would most likely have to go live in the woods at that point. He would want to start dating other real bears, and most likely would like to start a family. Maybe he could even get a job with Smokey the Bear fighting wildfires. Is Smokey even still around?
I imagine I would be sad like I was watching E.T. as a child. I still cry like a baby every single time! The Velveteen Rabbit makes me cry too. I even cried when Steve went to college on Blue’s Clues. I think it may have something to do with loss. Moving on. Starting a new chapter.
This year has been full of transition for me. I changed jobs, started traveling, and made a lot of new friends. The hard part is not seeing my old friends with the regularity I am accustomed to. I miss them. I find myself wondering what they are doing now. I miss the inside jokes and laughter. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? I wonder if I am ever going to have these kind of relationships again.
The most challenging aspect of leaving the comforts of the familiar is the fear of forming new attachments. Part of me does not want to risk feeling the way I did when I was trying to plan for my future. I felt like I was unfaithful to my work family. I had dedicated so much energy to getting the job, learning the job, keeping the job, and finally in the end, leaving the job. What is the protocol for changing everything about the way you live your life? How should you approach the transition from completely career oriented to fighting the tendency with everything you have?
I think I understand why divorced people often get married so quickly. It is an undeniable force with a gravitational pull to the very thing you have been trying to avoid. I wanted to stop having my work as a nurse practitioner as my primary focus in life. This does not make the work unimportant, it is simply an attempt to have more balance. My problem is my constant need to be working on a project coupled with a painfully short attention span.
Oh! Back to the story about Bert the Bear.
Bert the Bear was still there! Not entirely sure how I feel about this. He has obviously not been loved enough- YET!
On my way home I obviously had to stop and see Bert. I was curious if he had met someone special, and secretly hoped he would figure out how to unchain himself from his bonds. Alas, he was still in the exact same position when I rolled to a stop in the parking space directly in front of him.
Barry the Fishing Bear.
Now, meet Barry the Fishing Bear. He is soft, cuddly and could probably keep you a little warmer at night than Bert could. Barry was just sitting inside the restaurant, chillin’, and dare I say waiting? When I saw him our eyes met and it was magic. It was Kismet. Destiny demanded a selfie with this handsome dude. I offered to take him back to Texas with me, but he wanted to go back to Colorado for the winter. I think he skis Vail or something like that.
I totally crack myself up on my road trips. I listen to podcasts and have private concerts. Car dancing is usually a guarantee. I am experiencing more of the world and learning to do something other than work. I think it has been good for me.
The best part? Well, despite the fact I am no longer employed full-time with my old job, we all have phones, Facebook, and I still work there sometimes when I am in town. I have not lost anything. I am simply gaining new experiences and skills. If I find myself too lonely Work Mommy and Work Daddy are just a phone call away. Actually, so is my real Mommy.
This is an adventure. I am lucky to have this chance.
My adventures continue to astonish me. I just got back after a long weekend in Colorado. It was my first time! I went to celebrate one of my mudder buddy’s birthday. It was fantastic.
Allow me to say, everyone should want to be in Colorado. It is breathtaking. Actually, it really is breathtaking, there is no freaking oxygen up there! I am convinced they don’t need the legal marijuana, they could probably just get by with the mild hypoxia. Sheesh.
You know I had to go to Super Target as soon as we got there. Jill and I were on a team together for the Mesa TM, so this was the ideal place for a selfie.
Here is the great thing about Jill, she thinks I am funny! That always scores bonus points in my book. We had a ball walking around Target and touching everything that looked the least bit entertaining. My mother would have killed me if she had seen me messing with so much stuff. If it had a lid, I opened it. If it looked prickly, I had to feel whether or not it was sharp. Sigh. I love Target.
The plan for the weekend was to head out west to Grand Junction for a wine festival with another of Jill’s friends, Sarah. This was bound to be an epic road trip. Sarah is a ball of frenetic energy. We played car games involving a certain body part and RV names. hehehe. Just three girls with a completely juvenile sense of humor.
#JillHasaHemiGo ahead and ask me why I am standing like that. I dare you. I am such a dork.
Lucky for me, the girls made it a point to show me the sights. Winding through canyons and going up mountain pass roads, holding on for dear life because I was certain we were going to end up like the rusted out car I saw crashed up on the side of a mountain. We wound our way up to the Continental Divide.
I was enthralled by all the mountains. In my naiveté, I thought we were going through mountains when we were in Golden. I still don’t believe those are just “foothills,” I would rather call them little mountains. Imagine me excitedly shrieking about rocks and the scenery for the next six hours and you pretty much have a pretty good idea of how the trip went.
I love these grapes. Peaches and grapes make for some pretty interesting wine.Like my new bag? It holds three bottles of wine. You know, for emergencies.
Now, we had to stop to check out the wineries on our way.
The road trip across the state was fantastic. That night we went out to dinner and then went to check out the local “scene.” No details, but there was paint involved.
Magical concoction served in a copper or maybe it was brass cup.Don’t worry, I called.Strange times. Glow paint. Guess it was fate I wore that shirt.The glow paint was awesome. We danced the night away! Best part of the night? Harassing the poor security guard who never smiled. Second best part? When he was replaced by the cute security guard with a beard.I have no idea why I felt making this face was necessary. The guy who painted it claims to have gone to “Art School.”Speaking of Art. There was all this random artwork on the street. I fell in love with this ostrich. We named him Art. I am not sure why Jill was trying to strangle him.
This trip was great! I have not even told you the best parts yet. Met some fantastically fun people, and spent the day laughing so hard. Adventures are fun.
Remember: It did not happen if you did not take a picture.
Important. Just what exactly does that mean? Valuable? Rare? Earth shattering? Perpetual?
Aside from the things society tells us we should place value on, how do we go about determining the importance of situations and objects. How do we assign value to people?
We are programmed to believe we have to achieve importance in order to be complete human beings. If you stop to think about it, this prerequisite to achieving personhood is almost unbearable pressure.
Perhaps the real question is: what is this unseen force doing this programming? For me, I think it is all on my own accord. Waiting for the world to change? Waiting for a sign indicating I matter?
Whatever. Seriously, why do I put myself through all that nonsense? When do I get to be good enough? I have days where I am confident, which are interspersed with just as many days with zero confidence.
I am starting to think this is normal. I don’t have to be so hard on myself for the bad days. Everyone has days, weeks, or even months where life seems to be a wreck. Of course their ego suffers. Only a true jackass would not feel like they needed to regroup or reevaluate their lives.
It is perfectly acceptable to not have all the answers.
It’s alright to be nervous when you are entering strange territory.
There is no shame in admitting you need help or guidance.
This is the view from my streaked hotel window. Big day today. Tulsa is interesting.
I am learning as I go. The future is bright as long as I allow it to be. Let’s see what new adventure life has in store for me. Worst case scenario? I have to change direction later. No big deal.
I know. It’s funny to make fun of all the silly people who take selfies all the time. I completely disagree with those folks though. There was a time I went out of my way to avoid being in pictures. I hated seeing myself. It was entirely too easy to avoid being in the photos.
The Accidental Boxer 
