Somewhere along the way I convinced myself to path to true happiness included falling in love with a man, settling down in a suburb, and living happily ever after. I could not understand why I would not successfully find my dream life.
I now know I was wrong all along.
I’m Not Defective.
It is perfectly acceptable for me to pursue anything I am interested in. I do not need the approval of other people. I can take a boxing class, do Tough Mudders with groups of strangers, and date strange men I meet on Tinder. I can leave my job and start working as a locum. I can write this blog. I can take stupid selfies and edit them however I want to. I don’t have to be cool. It does not matter who approves or disapproves.
I get to be me.
Boxing, Obstacle Course Races, and Friends
I am a TERRIBLE boxer. I have not even been to class in over a year. I still consider myself a boxer. I learned so much about overcoming the voice in my head and pushing past my own fears. I cannot wait to get back to Lubbock and to the gym. I know it will hurt and I have to work my way through the pain, but it is worth it. The satisfaction I get from making it through a class is worth every drop of sweat.
As far as obstacle course races, I don’t know if I will ever do another one. To tell the truth it is more an excuse to see friends than anything. I have realized I do not need an excuse to see friends. I can just go see them. I don’t have to suffer through a miserable experience in the name of bonding. We can find fun things to bond through. Like movies, music, and wine.
I have the option to make friends wherever I am. I can put forth some effort and continue to nurture the relationships I have as well. There is no rule that says you have to choose between your new friends and your old friends.
Dating and Relationship Stuff
I do not know where I got the idea you could only date people you wanted to marry. I could never go out with anyone because I did not imagine myself married to them. For the first time in my life, dating is fun! Nope, I did not get all thin and beautiful. I just got over myself. I relaxed. I stopped looking for a hero. I stopped judging the people I am with because they have the audacity to want to be with me.
I am very happy in the situation I have now. There is a guy who I like a lot. I always enjoy the time we spend together. I even look forward to seeing him when our schedules don’t allow us to work it out for a bit. It is not entirely casual and there are also no expectations. I don’t feel like I should behave a certain way or say the right thing. I am myself. We date other people and yet I am happy when I get to be with him. There is no jealousy or resentment. I don’t feel smothered or annoyed because he is demanding more from me than I have to offer. It is the perfect relationship.
I have met some other people who I enjoy spending time with too. I don’t have to choose just one. I am not looking for a life partner. I am looking for shared experiences. I can get to know someone and even develop feelings for them without the need to tie them down and demand they pay attention to me for the rest of my life.
I can date! I can meet new people. I can even fall in love with someone if I want to. Removing all the pressure has made the whole experience better for me. My refusal to engage in what I considered “healthy” relationships in the past made me feel broken. I thought I was incapable of loving other people. I thought I was inherently flawed. I was doomed to be a spinster.
I require a lot of quiet time. Time to myself where I can think, daydream, or just be still. When I have too much interference in my personal space I become desperately unhappy. My relationship with Tinderbabe does not interfere with my time for me at all.
I am not a bad person because I may want to kiss more than one person in my lifetime. And by kiss I might mean… oh, well. You know where this is headed.
There may be a cute guy in Canada who I want to spend time with. I could meet someone at the grocery store next week. I have no need to settle down and raise a family. I can support myself. Why do I have to find someone to become bound to? Would it be the end of the world if I simply followed my heart from day to day?
Just a blurb about work. I did not let anyone down when I left my dream job. I did not waste everything they taught me. I simply moved on to another opportunity. I can still go home from time to time. They can still be my professional home base. They are still there for me. I don’t owe anyone anything except for gratitude and respect.
I changed my mind.
Just because my life is not turning out the way I always thought it would does not mean I am a loner, loser, or unhappy. I was wrong. My biggest mistake was believing I had to convince myself to want a dream that wasn’t mine. It’s okay to change your mind. It is okay to do what makes you happy. I don’t have to fit into any mold except mine. What a relief. I am glad I am not broken.