Day 7

Had a good dinner last night, and would like to say I slept like a baby. I did sleep until the alarm, so there is a small bonus.

Mom sent me some scrub caps and I forgot how much I love having my head covered. I am definitely a hat, scarf, do-rag kind of girl. I don’t know why. It could be laziness. I hate doing my hair.

This morning I am listening to Amanda Shires and wishing I had my little Bose speaker with me. TV is depressing these days. I don’t want to watch the news and I don’t want to see life back to normal on reruns either. I just want to hear some soothing melodies. Oh! And for some reason I fell down a rabbit hole yesterday and started watching interviews and videos of and about Townes Van Zandt. He fascinates me.

People want updates. Not much to say. I do not know how this hospital runs during normal times, but now it is chaotic. I have not found a routine, but I am working on it. I think I will figure it out. Today my goal is to find a list of the floors and their names and phone numbers. Keep your goals specific, measurable, and attainable, isn’t that the advice?

I cannot lie. I am the last to know most things at these hospitals. If information is disseminated on a need to know basis, I guess I am one of the ones who does not need to know. One facility sent me the most “current” information on COVID, and it was literally a copy and paste a viral FB post. 

If you want further proof of the level of my cluelessness, let me tell you about yesterday. I was sitting up in an office working on my notes and desperately trying to figure out this new EMR. I am sitting there, my eyes are squinty because I have a headache, and I am steadily muttering to myself about how stupid all of this is and why can’t things just be easier, when I start hearing the loudest sirens. I thought maybe it was ambulance or something coming into the ER. You can’t get mad about that. Except it just kept going. FOREVER. After several minutes I exclaimed “What the hell is going on???” The doctor working in the office turned and told me to look out the window. There were like a million cars and firetrucks and police officers all driving by. It was like the loudest parade I have ever seen. I have to tell you that was the second time I got all misty eyed and emotional yesterday. 

Every time we discharge a COVID patient they play Rachel Platten’s Fight Song overhead. It is similar to the song they play at some hospitals when a baby is born. I think we are getting fewer COVID hospitalizations, but there still seem to be a lot. 

I wonder what hospitals are going to look like once the surge is over. Are our rural hospitals going to get patients again? Am I going to be able to find work? Are we going to have to keep COVID floors from now on? Or will this just die out? 

We don’t know. I suppose we just have to watch and see. 

For now, I want to say thank you to my friends and family who are sending me supplies, masks, caps, and good wishes. You guys are the reason I can do the job I do. Even when we are not in the middle of a crisis I need the support from the ones I love. I am lucky to have the freedom to be able to travel around and try to help where I am needed most. I am lucky to have a supportive family who take care of my day to day life. I would not trade my people for anything. I am so grateful and appreciative. 

I Found Me

My life has certainly not turned out the way I thought it would.

I never got to accept my Academy Award, which made the acceptance speech I have spent hours practicing in the shower a complete waste of time. (Oscar, Grammy, Tony… I wasn’t picky. I just figured I would win at least one someday.) Of course it doesn’t matter that I can’t sing, dance, or act. Those are minor details. The point is I fully expected to have a stage to stand on where I could thank all the folks who had made my success possible. Obviously I would have been exceedingly humbled and shocked by my win. I would have felt awestruck and I probably would have gushed about the amazing company I was keeping. I would have been charming and the darling of the paparazzi. I just know it. 

I never traveled the world discovering buried treasure and dinosaur fossils that would unlock the mysteries of the meaning of life. Once again, it doesn’t matter that I would never have done the actual exploring necessary for these accomplishments. I just figured it was my destiny. 

I never fell in love. That strange love they taught me to expect in all the movies. I never had a guy chase after me in a rain storm just so he can tell me he can’t live without me. I never walked down the aisle in a pretty white dress, blushing with happiness and excitement to start off on my new life with my Prince Charming. It goes without saying I am not the kind of girl who hangs out in a lot of rain storms, but that should not totally erase this experience from my life. The prince should have known how to find me. I’m the girl who ducked into a building to avoid the downpour. I wasn’t that hard to find. Besides, he could have looked for me on Tinder. 

I never became a famous movie editor. I was also never the White House Correspondent for a major television network. I have failed to research and find the cure for cancer. 

Despite all these things I have failed to accomplish even with my secret knowledge that was who I was supposed to be, I have managed to do many other things. 

I found a career that allows me to support my family. 

I have three of the most amazing little men in my life that I love, and they know I love them. 

I have met amazing friends who make me laugh and call me princess. 

I have managed to find a social circle at home that loves me exactly as I am. 

I manage to find new adventures and I have overcome so many fears. I have finally managed to convince myself most of the time that I am not completely incompetent and inadequate. 

I have learned to stand up for myself and to be brave and embrace who I am. I have learned to welcome my femininity while still being true to my inner tomboy. I can rock red lipstick and a baseball cap. I can be exactly me. 

I have learned relationships are messy. I have learned to have good friends means to be a good friend. It also means I can let go of relationships that no longer suit me. 

Mostly, I have learned that I get to be me. Even if who I am changes on a day to day basis. I don’t have to refuse to embrace new ideas. I don’t have to maintain the status quo. I can be whomever I choose. 

As far as the acceptance speech goes, I’ll probably keep practicing. You never know.