Tag: livinlavidalocums

Day 15

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been up here in The Empire State for 2.5 weeks now, and I think I am probably changed forever. I am learning so many things about myself. I have new concerns for my patients. I am afraid of exposing them to a virus if they do not already have it. I am also afraid of leaving them afraid and feeling isolated even after I see them. It is hard to comfort people when you are trying to maintain a safe distance from them. 

I am also learning to communicate with stressed out family members who are feeling neglected and ignored because they cannot be at the hospital. When our loved ones are sick we want to be there to take care of them and we are unable to allow visitors. I cannot even imagine what it is like to be sitting by the phone wondering what the hell is going on at the hospital. I know my imagination tends to run wild when I cannot be there. I can’t imagine what it would be like during this time. I am trying to make plenty of time to reach out and give these families the support and care they need as well. 

All of this is stressful and it is easy for me to become mired in self-pity and to feel like it is all too much. I have to remind myself that I am one of the lucky ones. My family is safe and sound at home. 

Speaking of lucky, I got presents! A dear, sweet friend made me some beautiful scrub caps and I am already feeling even more loved and cared for than I usually do. Our friends and family are the reason we can keep doing these jobs. They remind us to keep fighting and provide us with the support we need to overcome our fears and self- doubt. When I find myself feeling inadequate and wonder what I am doing all I have to do is think of all the people who believe in me. 

It is so easy to fall into the trap of negative self-talk. When I am frustrated I tend to take it out on myself. I wonder why I cannot be better. I wonder why I do not know all the answers. I convince myself anyone else could do a better job than I am doing right now. I ask myself just exactly who do I think I am and what makes me think anyone would trust me to take care of their loved one. That is a dangerous place to live in for very long. It is also not true. 

Not that I am special, but I know how to take care of patients. I have been taught by the best of the best. I went to one of the best nursing and NP schools in the country. My mentors have all been phenomenal and they have taught me the skills I need to provide excellent care. 

My fears are healthy as long as I keep them in perspective and use them to make sure I am constantly evaluating every situation and looking for the best solution. Staying humble allows me to ask for help and recognize my own limitations. This is why I am good at my job. I am not afraid to ask for help and this is a strength, not a weakness. 

I do not know what the future looks like. None of us do. We all need to keep our wits about us and just keep doing the next thing when it comes up. We will make it through this because we are able to adapt and change. This is our gift as a species. We all need to be prepared for things to change and to be willing to change along with each situation as it arises. We need to protect and love each other. I am so grateful to know I am loved and I get the opportunity to give something back to others. It makes me feel useful. 

Today is a better day. Wish me luck and remember to take care of the ones you love. We all need support right now. These are scary and hard times. I feel like we can make it through though. 

Frustrated

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

I get it. We are all frustrated. People are out of work. There does not seem to be enough money to go around. Poor people are suffering. 

I keep seeing the most ridiculous posts on FB. People insinuating the virus is a made up hoax. People spreading posts about how this is all a money grab by hospitals. People saying social distancing is worse than the virus. There are even videos by nurses (or so they say) claiming patients are being murdered by their healthcare providers. 

Are you kidding me? 

I got up here a week after things had started to calm down a little. The stories I have heard have scared the hell out of me. They describe it as a tsunami of COVID patients. Young and old alike. Nevermind about all the other sick people. 

I am so angry people are spreading this rhetoric. If you honestly believe your doctor and nurses wish to harm you in order to make some money, you need to find a different doctor. 

The reason people need to stay home and try to avoid spreading this virus is simple. THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO TO TREAT IT! If you are lucky, you are either asymptomatic or have mild symptoms. If you are still lucky, you feel like you have never been sicker and spend two weeks in horrible pain and wondering if you are going to die. People who end up in the hospital, but manage to recover are STILL lucky. 

There are a painful few who survive once they require a ventilator. Those folks are still lucky. If you are unfortunate enough for your heart to stop because it is starved for oxygen, or you throw clots all over your body, there is not much we can do to help you. 

Nurses, doctors, CNAs, Rad Techs, RTs, housekeepers, food service workers, everyone in the hospital is putting their life and safety in peril to help people everyday. They have families waiting for them at home too. Many of them have underlying health conditions, and yet here they are… trying to help you. 

In many states healthcare providers can be assaulted by patients and have no legal recourse. We are literally putting our health and safety on the line every single day we go to work. I am not asking for accolades or cheering, all I want is for people to use some common sense before they spread false information. 

Yes, the information we have about this virus changes constantly. This is because we are still learning about it. It is brand new. The way we treat it changes. The things we know about it changes. Stop blaming the people who are doing the best they can to treat patients and to keep the public safe. 

I promise you, this virus is so much worse than you believe. Wear your mask. Stop bitching. Try to follow social distancing rules. You do not want to see what happens when your entire city is overrun. You want to have a hospital available to care for you. You want to have your minor heart attack treated so you do not end up with permanent damage. You want to get treatment for that stroke before you permanently lose the ability to speak. You want to get that cut sewn up. Trust me. We need our hospitals to be functional. They won’t be if we get hit by this tsunami. The people of NY did not expect it to be this way. They did nothing to deserve this. We don’t want to be next. 

So, today I will go back and work another 12 hour shift. I will wear a mask sent to me by friends. (These healthcare providers are only given one a week.) I will wash my hands and try to remember to keep my hands out of my eyes. I will continue to try and keep 6 feet away from everyone. I do not want to spread the virus to people who do not already have it. I am counting on the rest of you to help by using common sense and a little decency. If you can’t do that, I will still take care of you. My friends and I will still put our safety on the back burner even if you cannot try to protect others. We won’t even hold it against you. So, please just remember who you are accusing when you share those hateful videos. 

Laundry

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Laundry day. I hate doing laundry. I hate folding and sorting. I hate emptying out the pockets I should have emptied as soon as I took the clothes off. You would think I was doing laundry for a caravan as much as I complain. It is literally two loads, and since I am at a hotel I can do them simultaneously. It still drives me bananas. I guess it could be worse. I could be somewhere without laundry facilities. 

Got my new Bose speaker, and my heart is happy. Amazon sent me some some cheez-its. PPE was delivered to my hotel from some amazing friends. This is better than a birthday! The front desk guy is concerned about my shopping habits. 

Two nights down and two to go before I get a 24 hour reprieve. Night shifts are an entirely different day than working during the day. If it was not so hard on me physically I would prefer them. Making friends with the ER is proving to be smart (it helps that they are awesome) and I was shown the break room and dinner last night. The pasta salad was fantastic! Remember it is always best to get to know the people you are working with. These are the people you can count on when you are far from home.

Sometimes I find myself being standoffish and sticking to myself. It is usually when I am nervous and afraid people will think I am weird, which I am, but I don’t want them to know that yet! I think I am better off just getting over myself and trying to be friendly. Who knows? They may even like me. 

Now for the biggest problem. I have no idea what anyone’s name is!!!! I would never recognize them and it makes me feel so rude. The masks and hats and face shields… ugh. I wonder if they suspect they all have nicknames. There is the badass ER NP. The ballsy manager. The girl I am pretty sure is a charge nurse. The nicest lab tech I have ever met. The cute little shy nurse. The nice bald dude that acts like we have met, but I am not sure where and it is too late to ask now. 

I probably will not be here long enough to get all these people sorted out in my head, but I hope they know how much I appreciate them. I got here after the whole disaster was already getting better. I cannot even imagine what they have been through. I only hope I am helping ease some of their burden. 

Healthcare workers are a special breed of people. We like to believe we have it all under control and we do not like chaos. When hospitals are overrun with patients we have no choice but to figure it out and find ways to take care of our patients. We do not get to close, and we do not get to run away. It would have been easier for me to stay home and wait for a safer, more pleasant job to come along. I would rather be at home with my family. 

However, I am grateful to have the ability to offer something to this community. I am learning so much.

Plus I get to hear cute accents all day. Have you ever heard these people say coffee? 

Day Dreaming

~ ladyquirky ~ 3 Comments

Today I managed to sleep most of the day. Still having terrible nightmares, but I am feeling better during the waking hours. A friend texted me to keep writing and connecting with other people and I think that is probably the best advice I could have been given. Got another box of presents! Tide, masks, an umbrella… plus Amazon sent me granola bars. I would say that is a good day. Especially when I also got some goodies from a friend last night. 

I never would have dreamed that people thinking of me and reaching out to send me stuff would mean so much. It makes me wonder why we don’t correspond more by mail these days. Maybe we should start. Just a postcard. Or a little note scribbled on a scrap of paper. What if we actually invested in nice stationary and spent some time writing letters? Anyone want to start doing that? Just a thought. 

So, I bought a Hobonichi planner for this year and I am using these daily pages as a sort of artsy journal. Not that I have a single shred of artistic talent, but I smear some watercolor on the page or tack down a momento or a photo in the mornings before work. Nothing special, but I am enjoying it. One reason I do not like to scrapbook is there is too much pressure on making everything perfect. There is nothing about my life that is perfect. It is all wonderfully messy and I like it that way. Does anyone else do something like this? 

I have decided that once all this is over and I take some time off for some R&R I am going to the beach. I plan to sit by the pool under an umbrella with my stack of books and drink the cocktail of the day. I will make no decisions except which swim attire to wear. I will only read novels and short stories. I do not want to think about anything important. I just want to relax. 

Tonight is day 10. Hoping for a good night. Maybe I can make some new friends and find someone to have some laughs with. So, my goal for tonight is to find at least one person with an incredibly sick sense of humor and to make friends with them. Wish me luck. 

Day 9

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

Seems like the hospital I am in is slowly going back to normal. I wish I were slowly going back to normal. I am not usually this homesick when I am working. I guess I got spoiled for the past few months with so little to do. I will be fine, this is a normal part of traveling for work. This also happens when I am working without concrete plans for the future. Right now I only know what I am doing until June 1. So, I feel a bit untethered. It will be okay soon. 

One of the perks of this job is I rarely have time to get bored anywhere. I am always being challenged by something new. So, I feel funny when I complain about having to learn new things all the time. 

The past couple of days have been spent sleeping and working. Today I am back to days for one shift, then back to nights for several. Day shift has one set of problems and night shift has a completely different set of problems. Physically I like days better. I sleep better and feel better. I like the routine of night shift more. Night shift people tend to have sensibilities more like my own. Night shift is also harder overall. I have more anxiety about the patients. I worry more about whether or not I am doing the right thing. I wonder if other people experience it that way. 

I would not say I have learned much more about COVID, except I am starting to see signs of the chronic problems it is going to cause. The recovery is going to be long for the patients I have seen with the virus. I guess that is true for many illnesses. I am still worried what will happen if we have a big surge of patients at home. So far we have been lucky. 

I think my experience at this hospital will give me better experience for dealing with this at the places I usually work in. Critical care is very different from hospitalist work. There is more focus on the things that will kill you today, while once you are on the floor, I am trying to get patients prepared for discharge. It is hard to tell when a patient is ready for the next step in their recovery. It is especially hard if they have other chronic health problems like intellectual disabilities or dementia. Throw in some psychiatric disorders and it is a perfect storm of issues preventing recovery. So, I try to address each issue to the best of my ability and hope we find a solution for each road block standing in the way of success. Sometimes I have to change my definition of success. All we can do is keep trying. 

So, today I will go into work and look for ways to help. I will keep an open mind, and I will offer support to whoever needs it. I cannot save the world, and thankfully that isn’t my job anyway. I will be flexible and see what the day offers. I may even surprise myself and find some ways to have some fun. Maybe that is the point. To make it as good as you can. Let’s see what today brings- shall we?

Different Days

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment
Lovely physician I am working with- improvising a scrub cap. I think it is adorable.

Today, well actually tonight, I am working my first night shift. Hoping it goes well. 

I forced myself to stay in bed today so I can be at my best tonight. Going back and forth between days and nights is awful, but it is what I need to do. I think it will be okay. 

Mail is exciting when you are far from home. Today I got a package from Amazon. I was excited to open it. It was Downey wrinkle releaser. Still exciting. Not quite as exciting as my Scribe delivery or Magnolia deliveries that come to the house, but still it is like getting a present. (Presents are nice even if you send them to yourself. Some friends are sending me some PPE and some masks and caps. I can’t wait to get them. It makes me feel close to people even when I am a little isolated.) Still kinda wish I could get a hug from someone- but that will come eventually. Maybe when times are better. I did order a small Bose speaker to have for when I travel. I got the email that it is being shipped today. I can’t wait for it to arrive. I need some quality tunes! I miss live music. My memories in FB are full of fun adventures. I guess April is always a good month for me. I miss Jazzfest. 

Time for the real stuff. I am having terrible nightmares. I read somewhere this is common for lots of people right now. My dreams are excruciatingly bright and vivid. I wake up with my heart pounding and feel like I have been beaten in my sleep. They are all about running and hiding from something unseen. Guess that is not surprising given the current state of our world. Trying to remain optimistic and to keep this all in perspective. Times are hard for us all. 

I am lucky. I am in New York, but a bit outside the city. I have a hotel room that is bigger than my first apartment. I think that is helpful. I do not feel closed in. I have enough room to relax and have separate space for sleeping and all the other activities of daily living. 

This is a hard assignment. I feel a little lost and do not get much feedback, but I think I am doing okay. 

These days are hard and not knowing how all this is going to turn out is even harder. I suppose going into NYC and working ICU or something would have been more exciting, but they need help in lots of places. I can leave the exciting jobs for other people. 

I miss getting to know my patients and their families better. That is one of the perks of being a healthcare provider. Now the patients are isolated and their families are barred from the hospital. I know it is safer this way, but it feels wrong. In trying to keep ourselves and others healthy we have to keep more physical distance than I am used to. Remember back when Princess Diana was photographed hugging the lepers? I have always been quick to hug my patients and their families when they needed it. Now, I do not even shake hands or touch them if I can keep from it. I do not like it. I do not like being afraid to touch people. 

Distance is hard when you are trained to care. 

These are different days. 

Doing my best to keep my spirits up and to be useful. 

Hope you are all doing well. More later. 

Rental Car Blues

~ ladyquirky ~ 5 Comments

No, I wasn’t standing out behind your car exasperatedly hitting the trunk open button on the key fob because I was trying to steal your identical silver grey Nissan Maxima. I thought it was my rental.

No, I obviously didn’t notice the trunk pop open on the car not even 2 feet from where I was standing. I was too busy being perplexed at the unfathomable difficulty of navigating a different set of keys all the time.

Yes, I realize what a dork I look like right now. Why did you park right next to me in the hotel parking lot? It’s nearly empty. I park in this spot every time I am here. Don’t you know that? Oh, you are not here all the time. Yes, I am aware most people do not spend weeks on end in the same hotel.

No, I obviously don’t have anything better to do than stand here having an imaginary conversation with you. You didn’t even say anything to me. I was just preparing in case you did.

Yes, I am going to sheepishly climb into my rental car, look intently at my phone, and pretend I am doing very important business things. After all, I would not want anyone to notice I am frequently just one step away from being an absolute walking disaster.

By the way, does anyone want to do my laundry tonight? I hate doing laundry, but I need clean clothes before I head to Denver for my next great adventure. Anyone? No? Fine. I’ll do it myself, but I am NOT matching the socks. I will turn them right side out though. I am not a complete heathen.