Tag: interpersonal communication

Subserviently Yours

~ ladyquirky ~ Leave a comment

We have all had the good fortune to meet the smartest man in the room. You know the one. The guy who feels the need to educate you and correct you on every thing you do. He may have good intentions, and perhaps he does not mean it condescendingly at all (me? yes, I have been guilty of this from time to time.) I am talking about the other guy. The one who has to be the brightest light in any room, however instead of shining brighter, he just walks around trying to dampen everyone else’s light. That guy is an asshat, officially.  

Collaborative Teamwork.

Doesn’t that sound like a dream come true? I love working with a team of people who are committed to a common purpose. Each person has their own perspective and part of the problem to solve. Respect and time is given to each member of the team. Everyone has a voice. More importantly, everyone shares common goals.

I want to find a place where this is actually the culture. I find myself trying to engage nurses in conversation about their patients. I tell them what I have in mind, and start asking them for feedback. They have seen the situation from a completely different angle than I have. I trust and respect their insight. However, I am often greeted with a blank stare.

When I do not understand why something is being done, there is a high probability that I do not know part of the problem. Perhaps I just do not have a firm grasp on the situation at hand. Nothing is better than when I am close enough to the physician I am working with that I can ask them about it without them assuming I am challenging them. I have learned to choose my words carefully and to explain my intentions, but these conversations have taught me so much over the years.

I have had so many physicians, nurses, NPs, and pharmacists who have been willing to explain and teach me. There are so many disciplines working together, each one bringing their own level of expertise to the table, it would be ridiculous to not utilize their experience. I love learning about things from a different perspective. It gives me a more dynamic understanding of the situation.

Now, what about the asshat leader who is running amok and telling people inaccurate things? It is perfectly acceptable to be wrong from time to time, however I continue to be astounded by the number of people in the world who cannot admit to this. These same people love to walk around with their chests puffed out and head tilted at a slightly posterior angle, while looking down at you incredulously. They appear to be amused by your attempts to use your intelligence to learn about something new. They have to make inconsequential changes to your plans, just so they can say they did something.

Then, imagine their voice as they come over to talk to you. It all seems so earnest. They pull you aside and the whole conversation becomes very serious. They are imparting secret, magical information that cannot be gleaned from Uptodate. You listen expectantly, holding your breath in anticipation, pride welling up in your soul. Oh, he must have seen I was struggling! Perhaps I should let out a little giggle. I am so lucky to have this big, strong, virile man of medicine to keep me on the straight path. I could never have figured this out if he had not come to save me from my own ignorance. 

Then you hear it. He is telling you how he is concerned for your well-being, and how he is so glad he can offer you his expertise. After all, he is a very busy and important man. Oh, swoon. I can’t believe he would take the time to tell me to use two 20 mg vials instead of one 40 mg vial. (Or something else equally ridiculous.) He will explain to you that the current evidence-based guidelines cannot be accurate, he has never seen that side effect the black box is warning against. No, it is not a well-known use of that extremely expensive drug. It is off label. Apparently, all the best cures are secrets. Only the best doctors get access to that information. The elite medical schools train them to pick up signals via a beacon in their neck. That is why they hold their head like that. I swear. I read it in a medical journal. You know, the ones nurses can’t read. 

Ugh. All I want is to be able to have a conversation with the people I am working with. I love it when they have time to explain a concept I had never actually seen in real life, or just one I did not know a lot about. Seriously. I love to learn. I love to see the things I am learning about used in real life. For the love all that is good and intelligent in the world, do not expect me to follow archaic guidelines that are not in sync with current evidence based practice. There is a reason we have standards of care. I have found a lot of comfort in having mentors who taught me how to find these guidelines, and how to use them.

Of course, there are situations that may not fit the usual mold. There is most certainly an art to the practice and science of medical care. Sometimes there is more than one way to skin the proverbial cat. Please don’t try to teach me the wrong way to do things. Don’t use the phrase “that is how we have always done it.” I will want to know why. I always want to understand the rationale behind things. I want to know why we are choosing that particular option. Do not try to convince me to use antiquated methods when I have current peer-reviewed evidence at my fingertips. (Yes, I know the research and evidence is always changing… that is a topic I am woefully not able to discuss with anything resembling intelligence.)

Here is the point. Don’t talk down to me. Don’t pat my head like I am a wayward child. I am a professional, and despite my struggles to always portray myself in a dignified light, I am reasonably intelligent. I actually think there are some topics I can discuss with a pretty good level of mastery. I have been taught by the best! I do things to the best of my ability. If I come across a situation I am unsure about, I assure you I will seek your guidance. If you notice something I did not, or you just want to tell me about it, that is great! I love learning from experts. I may even take notes. I can promise you, I will be looking it up as soon as you walk away so I can remember it for next time.

One more thing I have noticed. Don’t listen to every man in the room and make it a point to not listen to me. Am I the only one that notices a difference when some men talk to women as opposed to how they speak to other men? Why am I hushed when men are invited to offer insight? Why am I a bitch when I am just being matter of fact? I hate to break it to you guys, your penis does not make you smarter. I have to be honest though, men are not the only asshats. I have had these strange interactions with women as well. I am not kidding when I say it bothers me when people are so transparently attempting to exert their dominance over everyone in the room.

So, come on. Give a girl a break. Feel free to educate, correct, and guide me. Just don’t be a jerk about it. I promise to continue working on the same thing. Perhaps there is a way to foster collaboration and open discussion without all the egos and BS. Maybe I should google that.

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Well, cat videos are educational too.

Who Do You Think You Are?

~ ladyquirky ~ 2 Comments

We are at the mercy of how others perceive us. We have to put our best foot forward, and present ourselves in a manner that makes us pleasant to others. Presentation is such an important part of interpersonal communication. Do I want to be seen as professional? Fun? Nice? Smart? Competent? Do I want these people to like me? Respect me? Do I even care?

For me, most of the time, I seek to been seen as competent, fun, and unique. Oh, and smart. I really work hard to learn as much as I can, and I truly value intelligence. So, how do I react when others are not so impressed by me? I lash out. I get defensive. I run away. (I mean, seriously… who needs that??? Everybody wants somebody to love.)

So, at what point does it cease being an act of running away, and more a calculated and planned change in environment? How much crap are you supposed to ignore? How do you quantify your hurt feelings? Worse, is it all you? Does this indicate that you are somehow defunct? Broken, malfunctioning?

Now, if we truly seek to be improving in our lives, as I so obviously seek to do, then we must take a moment to reflect. How much of the issue is due to your performance? How much of it is due to a personality conflict? How much of it makes no sense at all?

So, if you are failing to meet some expectation in your performance, you need to develop an action plan. There may be resources you need to utilize. Perhaps there is a knowledge deficit. Seriously, these are the easiest culprits to manage and fix. There is usually some specific behavior that you have not mastered. Okay, that is great. That says nothing about you as a person. Actually, it could speak to your willingness to learn and improve. This is where having mentors is helpful. They can guide you to the appropriate resources, and give you feedback throughout your process, allowing you to know how you are improving, and what is still missing or not correct. This relationship with your mentors will be very important. They are taking time to teach, and you have to be humble in order to accept criticism in the manner it is being offered. Criticism is simply critique, it is nothing personal. This is the best sort of problem to have. Easy to fix, as long as you are willing to do the work.

Now, for the things that are a personality conflict, you should probably analyze whether or not you are being overly difficult. (Now, this one kinda irks me- I feel like women tend to be labeled as difficult far more often than men, and I actually think that working with many men is way more difficult- they just don’t get the label.) However, it is probably something that you should evaluate. Do you allow your outside life to interfere, do your moods shift with the wind? Are you overly critical and difficult to please? Do you stop using common courtesy when speaking to others? Are you argumentative? Are you boring? Do you ignore the other person’s ideas? So, if you are difficult to get along with, you should probably take a long look at your behavior, and change the negative aspects. No one expects you to be perfect, but you do need to be nice and courteous to others. (It’s just the right thing to do.) Besides, there is a reason Thumper said “If you can’t say nothin nice, don’t say nothin at all.”

Now, in the event that someone is being mean to you for no apparent reason, you are left with a choice. Man up, confront them, and be willing to accept the consequences, or let it go. This is where it gets difficult. There is absolutely no way to change someone’s mind about how they feel about you, if it actually has nothing to do with you. This is where evaluating your part in the situation comes in handy. You have to work to change the parts you are responsible for. This is all part of trying to be a better person. You are not responsible for how others feel about you. Frankly, it is none of your business. All you can do is be the best that you can be.

So, what now? What if you are in a relationship that is leaving you feeling bad? What if you are banging your head against a wall, trying to please someone, and they just don’t care? They do not see all the good that you do, how hard you are trying? Then, you have to ask yourself why are you staying in this relationship? Any relationship should be mutually beneficial. Yes, there are ebbs and flows, but in the long run it should even out.

This is where so many friendships falter over time. As people grow and change, sometimes they outgrow each other. You see, relationships take effort. If It takes two to tango, well, it takes two to be in a relationship. One- sided relationships are not actually good for anyone. Resentment builds and grows as the injured party becomes passive aggressive and then both people end up hurting.

Mentors can help in so many areas. I would think that they are generally someone older and wiser, who have something about life figured out. You can have professional mentors, mentors for your marriage, heck, you can even have people you look up to for advice on all your relationships. It is always helpful to be seeking enlightenment, and trying to be better. Be more. Do more.

So, as long as you are willing to do the work, and to look at yourself and your part in any relationship, then you are on a path of enrichment.

Do not allow hurt feelings to rule your actions. Take a step back and evaluate the situation. If the relationship is important to you, then you need to work it out. If it is not important to you, is it actually worth all the stress? Should you break free and run? Walk out with purpose? Glare accusingly at the person who “ran you off?” Probably not. You should never burn bridges. You should always leave the door open for reconciliation.

Knowing when it is time to say goodbye:

I have no idea how you know when it is right. I have no clue as to how to quantify your emotions. I do know that you have to take care of yourself, and keep your goals and dreams as a priority. It is okay if those goals change over time. We are in a constant state of evolution, and as we evolve and grow our goals should too. There is no shame in moving on.