Yoga and Shaveanass

Okay, are you sitting down? Also, probably don’t drink anything. It could lead to an epic spit-take. I want you to imagine hell on earth… that’s right, a hot yoga studio.

Let me tell you about my first yoga class. It was at 5:30AM, and Shannon, Steven, and Christi went with me. (I was terrified)- Not sure if you have noticed this trend… I live in a pretty constant state of terror when it comes to new experiences. Yes, I know that sounds weird for someone who gets bored so easily. I should be out seeking new adventures and grabbing for the gusto or whatever that saying is. Too bad that I have a real fear of looking like an idiot, or drawing attention to myself. Okay, whatever, you know what I mean. In real life! Not on the computer. Give me a break. I realize that blogging could be seen by some as a major “LOOK AT ME!” moment. That is not the point! So, back to what I was saying. I had put off hot yoga for something like two years. Ummmm, no. Yoga? hahaha. Nope. Never. Have you Freaking seen me? What on earth makes you think I would enjoy a yoga class?

So, one day in a moment of weakness and peer pressure, Bet ya did not think that peer pressure was still going to be an issue in your mid-thirties; I agreed to go. First things first, I need a yoga mat and a yoga towel. Oh, and don’t you need a new water bottle? So, off to Target. Man, those things are expensive. I am pretty sure I will use it all the time! I am investing in my health! This is really a smart purchase. I only make smart purchases. I never impulse buy. 

So, the next morning I find myself hyperventilating in my car while waiting for my friends to show up to the yoga studio. I had no idea what to expect. Then, here comes Shannon and Steven!!! Yay! Okay, time to get out of the car. You know, you could just start the car real fast and drive off, and pretend this never happened. Oh. They saw me, and they are waving for me to come on already. Deep breath. Okay. You got this.

Once inside, we take off our shoes and head into the dungeon. Holy Crap! It is so hot in here. What on earth is wrong with these people? Okay, just watch and do what whatever Shannon does! Oh, here comes Christi! Come sit by me! Unroll the mat, and spread my magic yoga towel on top. Oh, we need those blocks? Thanks. I wonder what these are for… hmmm this is strange. Why are those people dumping water on their towels? Should I be doing that? No, that seems weird to me. I am not doing that. 

Then, the instructor walked in. Child’s pose. That looks easy. Oh, ouch. ummm that hurts my knee. And where are my boobs supposed to go? I can’t breathe. I am going to suffocate in my own cleavage. Phew. Glad that is over. Time to stand up. Okay, let me see what y’all are doing. Okay right leg forward, bend your knee, do what with my hip? Hold arms out. Hmm. Is this right? Well, close enough. Oh! Now we are going down on the ground. This is like a plank! I can do a plank! Oh, stand up again. Another plank? What the hell? Stand up. Back down. Why are we doing this? 

Oh. I am so thirsty. Why is it so hot in here. Why is that woman still talking? What does she mean breathe? I am drowning in sweat. You want me to turn what towards what? What the hell? I can MODIFY if I want to? Ugh. This is awful? How is that girl doing that? She must be an acrobat. I bet her parents sold her to the circus. Why do people do this? Is this supposed to be relaxing? I’m just going to lay here a minute. Oh. Everyone else is standing up. I hope I don’t grunt when I get up. I really need to pee. I don’t know where the bathroom is. Why is everyone else not dying? How are they doing that? I am not doing that plank thing again. I’ll just stand here and watch. I am dying. This is awful. Quit laughing at me Christi!

And so it went for about an hour. Finally came the end. Time to Shaveanass. Okay, just lay here. My nose itches, I am going to scratch it. Oh, why is my foot tapping. I wonder if my shoes are okay. Do I need a pedicure, let me look. Oh, yeah.Totally need to get the toes done. When is this going to end? Finally!!!

So, this is what I remember from my first yoga class. Shaveanass is courtesy of Tiana’s typo, and it will forever be my favorite part of my practice. (See? I sound all yogi-ish) I have a practice. Not so much. I went like four more times. I have a class paid for, and I really should use it. Maybe Friday.