I imagine most of us struggle with the desire to have everyone love us. We struggle to be likable and to go along with the crowd. The fight to keep our skeletons hidden and our vulnerabilities at bay is a daunting battle at best. Impossible, really.
There are secrets in the deepest recesses of our minds, and we walk through each day trying to keep them hidden. We don’t want people to see the us of our dreams. Sometimes these are fantastic fantasies, and other times they are brutally terrifying nightmares that we are barely able to escape. The bad dreams are not the only ones we want to keep hidden. We also hide our fantasies for fear of being judged.
It is the same old thing, too much and not enough all over again.
So, what happens when we become our true, authentic selves? What happens when we say exactly what we think, feel, and desire? What happens when we laugh that real laugh only a few people have ever heard? When we allow that tear to fall during the Folger’s commercial? What would happen if we were ourselves all the time?
It is not like it all matters anyway. When people like us for the watered down, socially acceptable version of ourselves we offer up for the judging, then we are painting ourselves into a corner and dooming ourselves to a life slightly less than honorable. We will be constantly looking for a way to fill the void that no one knows is there.
So, for all the people in my life who like the blurred edges of me, the me that is a little too loud, and often a little too much, I thank you. I love that you love me for me. I don’t have to hide or pretend.
For the rest of you:
I can’t make you love me. I don’t know that I want to. I would rather be that quirky girl who does not always wear socks that match. The girl who still loves to listen to bad music. The girl who secretly pines for a way to make a difference in this world. The girl who STILL can’t quite figure out punctuation, despite her intense desire to be a real writer.
So, what are you doing today to be you? How are you leaving your mark on the world? What colors are on your paintbrush? What words are in your story? Remember… I can’t make you love me, but when someone does, it is fan-freaking-tastic.
Sometimes my eyeliner is smeared and my mascara has clumped up beyond anything cute at all. Other times, I have deigned to show my face sans all the paint. You can like it or not. I can’t make you love me if you won’t.
Getting ready for my next muddy adventure. This time, my son is going with me. I am stoked to see him go on his own personal quest to see what it is like to face a challenge with such a diverse group of people.
The most important parts of this trip will be sharing some history and challenges with my main guy. He has been there with me for so many of my “firsts” and I can’t wait to experience Philadelphia with him.
Tough Mudder is in some ways the bane of my existence. I don’t actually have that much fun out there, and I really have no business trying to do this. Oh, well. I am going to do this because I can. I can persevere. Honestly I am just thankful for the lack of elevation in PA.
So, 2015 is the Year of Adventure for me. I have learned some lessons, better underwear choices for playing in the mud comes to mind, and I have made some new friends. I have left the job of my dreams, and I am still okay.
Tough Mudder is not a race. It is a chance to be part of a group working together. I am not afraid of it this time. I am actually a little at peace with my phobias and fears. I am taking my camera and watching my boy have the adventure of his life. It is not always about me. It is okay for me to give up a little comfort for my son to have a life changing experience.
My son will get to meet Captain America, and he will meet The Blogger. There are several other superheroes who will be there with our group. I am excited to see where Ty finds his place among these men. I am counting on them to show him how to give back. I am counting on them to keep me from giving up.
These are the three movies I have seen so far this week. I loved all three for different reasons. It certainly does not hurt that Josh Brolin was in two of them.
There are at least two more movies I need to see before I feel like this has been a productive movie weekend, Black Mass and The Martian.
How do you actually rate movies? I have yet to figure out a way to adequately judge this art form. In order for me to think it is “good” I must have felt something while watching it. Sometimes I find myself checking the time throughout the show, this is how I know it did not speak to me.
Sicario was probably the best movie I have seen so far this week. Full of male bravado and a heroine who ends up losing her way. Well, that may be a little harsh. She does give in to the latin charm of a very bad dude. Why are women always at the mercy of men? It is frustrating.
Everest was entertaining. I feel like it needed to be longer. It was too difficult to become invested in the characters. Scenes that should have left me reduced to tears barely made an emotional dent. It could have been better.
Philomena was my Netflix choice. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Touching tribute to how storytellers can make a difference. (That is what I got out of it anyway.)
I love movies. I hate it when people take their infant to the theater. I continue to find new ways to pass the time. What is your favorite movie this season?
Living a life full of adventure may not be all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes you just want to sit on the couch with a kitty in your lap, remote in your hand, and a glass of wine within reach. This is exactly where I want to be tonight. I have absolutely no plans to do anything else until morning.
This past week was a nightmare at work. It was not the crazy number of hours it required, it was dealing with some personalities that left me emotionally drained, and unsure of my next move. However, if I have learned anything in my life, it is best to take my time and not make decisions when I am emotional about the situation.
So, I am going to sit back and think about some of the advice I have been given. Right now my favorite advice came from a new mentor. (Turns out that is what they call “work daddies” in the real world-thanks for that T.) Yikes. Not that real work daddy has been replaced. No way. He is stuck with me. Anyway, his advice was to find things you can live with, instead of searching for those you cannot live without. Good advice for me. I have to remove the black and white from situations and be okay with the gray.
People surprise the hell out of me. I find myself forging new relationships and growing more as a person every day, and then I get knocked out by someone who means nothing to me. Why do we let people have so much control over how we feel?
Easy. We want connection. We want to feel like we are valuable. We want to be wanted. We want to be more than someone who can be lived with. Perhaps we even want to feel a little needed. Regardless of what we say, we do want to be loved.
So, in order to live a bearable life, I have to pretend those desires are not there. I have to play it cool. I have to not be too terribly devoted to anything. I am not sure how you find passion in life when you spend all your time trying to quell those passions.
Why does life have to be so confusing? Am I supposed to be searching for my passion, or am I supposed to be calm, cool, and collected at all times? When are you supposed to be excited? Am I allowed to be driven and ambitious?
So, I am continuing to live life looking for my next adventure. I am going to continue to build relationships with people. I will find my passion. I will find people who share my passion. I will feel things as brightly as I can.
As I came to an end of my rant about certain people talking down to me and how much I hate it, I was reminded that sometimes I am not careful with how I react and respond to people either. I know for a fact I have said and done things in the past (not always that distant of a past) in a condescending manner. I wonder why we do that. More importantly, I wonder how we avoid it.
I want to be a good leader and a good teammate. I like working as part of a group with common goals. It is exciting and so rewarding. Seriously, what better way is there to learn things you did not even know you did not know?
I suppose I have some explaining to do. Why would I be a jerk when I hate it so much when people treat me in the same manner? To be completely honest, I think it is a defense mechanism. (Or, I could be an asshat- either way, it is not who I want to be.) Perhaps, it is a normal response to put others down in an attempt to raise yourself up. Well, it seems it would make the distance to the top a little shorter. Seriously, it is just math people.
I wonder why we started losing our responsibility to use manners and to act graciously towards other people. Where did this ‘get ahead at all cost’ mentality start? How do we find the gentle respect we should have for others?
It is almost as if we have regressed in our social obligations to a completely self-driven society. Where did our obligation to help others go? How do we find a sense of community?
Perhaps I am naive. I still find myself daydreaming of a place where the pace is a little slower, and people are quick to strike up a conversation. Maybe a nice english chap who will invite me in for a spot of tea. Doubt I will find him here in Texas. A girl can dream.
For now, I am stuck with people who feel small, and who like to lash out at others to even the playing field. I am choosing to go a different route. What if we all started building each other up? Even professionally, coaching up would be preferable to tearing down. Let’s move away from the guerrilla warfare and collaborate. Leave the ego at the door and open our minds to the possibilities. It sounds all hippy-dippy cheesy, but I think it could lead to good things.
Just be nice. I will continue to work on my tone and attitude. What if we all made that commitment?
I find myself compartmentalizing my life to the point I no longer know how to be a whole person at all times. It gets exhausting put on and taking off my masks every day. We have a responsibility to celebrate how complicated we all are. Why can’t I be a strong, take no prisoners kind of chick, who loves to cry at romantic comedies? So, if you had to make a list of what you are what would it say?
I am just a…
girl
mother
daughter
nurse
nurse practitioner
friend
cat-lover
fast driver
Tough Mudder
boxer
writer
reader
cinephile
I want you to think I am:
smart
funny
clever
nice
tough
strong
warm
competent
useful
fun
lovable
loving
kind
dependable
cute
charming
enough
I feel accomplished when:
My son is happy.
My patients do well.
I have a good hair day.
I write something that explains where I am.
I make a hard decision.
I spend meaningful time with the people I love.
I find time to work out.
I say something funny.
I make a connection with someone.
I feel frustrated when:
I inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings.
I fail to communicate effectively.
I can’t find the answer.
I run out of time.
I can’t focus and finish a task.
I fail.
I just want to be an honest person. Authenticity is paramount for me.
Oh, and I want to meet a man with the personality of the leading men of the past. I want someone who treats me like a girl. Sometimes I get tired of being the strong, independent woman who can do anything. Kill the spiders. Hold open doors, and do that magic hand on the arm thing. Make me blush and not just from a dirty joke. Ugh. Then take me out to play in the mud.
Someone should have warned her… There are no easy answers. Have fun.. be true to yourself.
After all, I am just a girl. More on this later, I have to go put on my work mask now.
We have all had the good fortune to meet the smartest man in the room. You know the one. The guy who feels the need to educate you and correct you on every thing you do. He may have good intentions, and perhaps he does not mean it condescendingly at all (me? yes, I have been guilty of this from time to time.) I am talking about the other guy. The one who has to be the brightest light in any room, however instead of shining brighter, he just walks around trying to dampen everyone else’s light. That guy is an asshat, officially.
Collaborative Teamwork.
Doesn’t that sound like a dream come true? I love working with a team of people who are committed to a common purpose. Each person has their own perspective and part of the problem to solve. Respect and time is given to each member of the team. Everyone has a voice. More importantly, everyone shares common goals.
I want to find a place where this is actually the culture. I find myself trying to engage nurses in conversation about their patients. I tell them what I have in mind, and start asking them for feedback. They have seen the situation from a completely different angle than I have. I trust and respect their insight. However, I am often greeted with a blank stare.
When I do not understand why something is being done, there is a high probability that I do not know part of the problem. Perhaps I just do not have a firm grasp on the situation at hand. Nothing is better than when I am close enough to the physician I am working with that I can ask them about it without them assuming I am challenging them. I have learned to choose my words carefully and to explain my intentions, but these conversations have taught me so much over the years.
I have had so many physicians, nurses, NPs, and pharmacists who have been willing to explain and teach me. There are so many disciplines working together, each one bringing their own level of expertise to the table, it would be ridiculous to not utilize their experience. I love learning about things from a different perspective. It gives me a more dynamic understanding of the situation.
Now, what about the asshat leader who is running amok and telling people inaccurate things? It is perfectly acceptable to be wrong from time to time, however I continue to be astounded by the number of people in the world who cannot admit to this. These same people love to walk around with their chests puffed out and head tilted at a slightly posterior angle, while looking down at you incredulously. They appear to be amused by your attempts to use your intelligence to learn about something new. They have to make inconsequential changes to your plans, just so they can say they did something.
Then, imagine their voice as they come over to talk to you. It all seems so earnest. They pull you aside and the whole conversation becomes very serious. They are imparting secret, magical information that cannot be gleaned from Uptodate. You listen expectantly, holding your breath in anticipation, pride welling up in your soul. Oh, he must have seen I was struggling! Perhaps I should let out a little giggle. I am so lucky to have this big, strong, virile man of medicine to keep me on the straight path. I could never have figured this out if he had not come to save me from my own ignorance.
Then you hear it. He is telling you how he is concerned for your well-being, and how he is so glad he can offer you his expertise. After all, he is a very busy and important man. Oh, swoon. I can’t believe he would take the time to tell me to use two 20 mg vials instead of one 40 mg vial. (Or something else equally ridiculous.) He will explain to you that the current evidence-based guidelines cannot be accurate, he has never seen that side effect the black box is warning against. No, it is not a well-known use of that extremely expensive drug. It is off label. Apparently, all the best cures are secrets. Only the best doctors get access to that information. The elite medical schools train them to pick up signals via a beacon in their neck. That is why they hold their head like that. I swear. I read it in a medical journal. You know, the ones nurses can’t read.
Ugh. All I want is to be able to have a conversation with the people I am working with. I love it when they have time to explain a concept I had never actually seen in real life, or just one I did not know a lot about. Seriously. I love to learn. I love to see the things I am learning about used in real life. For the love all that is good and intelligent in the world, do not expect me to follow archaic guidelines that are not in sync with current evidence based practice. There is a reason we have standards of care. I have found a lot of comfort in having mentors who taught me how to find these guidelines, and how to use them.
Of course, there are situations that may not fit the usual mold. There is most certainly an art to the practice and science of medical care. Sometimes there is more than one way to skin the proverbial cat. Please don’t try to teach me the wrong way to do things. Don’t use the phrase “that is how we have always done it.” I will want to know why. I always want to understand the rationale behind things. I want to know why we are choosing that particular option. Do not try to convince me to use antiquated methods when I have current peer-reviewed evidence at my fingertips. (Yes, I know the research and evidence is always changing… that is a topic I am woefully not able to discuss with anything resembling intelligence.)
Here is the point. Don’t talk down to me. Don’t pat my head like I am a wayward child. I am a professional, and despite my struggles to always portray myself in a dignified light, I am reasonably intelligent. I actually think there are some topics I can discuss with a pretty good level of mastery. I have been taught by the best! I do things to the best of my ability. If I come across a situation I am unsure about, I assure you I will seek your guidance. If you notice something I did not, or you just want to tell me about it, that is great! I love learning from experts. I may even take notes. I can promise you, I will be looking it up as soon as you walk away so I can remember it for next time.
One more thing I have noticed. Don’t listen to every man in the room and make it a point to not listen to me. Am I the only one that notices a difference when some men talk to women as opposed to how they speak to other men? Why am I hushed when men are invited to offer insight? Why am I a bitch when I am just being matter of fact? I hate to break it to you guys, your penis does not make you smarter. I have to be honest though, men are not the only asshats. I have had these strange interactions with women as well. I am not kidding when I say it bothers me when people are so transparently attempting to exert their dominance over everyone in the room.
So, come on. Give a girl a break. Feel free to educate, correct, and guide me. Just don’t be a jerk about it. I promise to continue working on the same thing. Perhaps there is a way to foster collaboration and open discussion without all the egos and BS. Maybe I should google that.
I was driving through the northeast corner of New Mexico when I was forced to stop and take a selfie. Raton is not my favorite city and I was actually planning on driving right on by, however I really needed something to drink and to have a little pit stop. I pulled off into the first parking lot I saw, and you cannot possibly imagine my delight when I met this fella.
I was afraid he was going to lash out and attack me. (I mean, what kind of establishment has a guard bear?)
Don’t worry, he was chained down. Seriously? Are they afraid he will get away?
I somehow figured out his name MUST be Bert the Bear, and I am convinced I should have spent a little more time investigating this situation. Why is this bear being held captive in front of this tourist trap? Who is a tourist in Raton? Shhh. I was NOT a tourist! Just because I stopped to take a selfie in front of a highway restaurant does NOT make me a tourist. Wait until you see the bathroom pics in the next installment of Signs. Yep, I am still that girl. Sorry, not sorry.
I suppose you could say I have a weird fascination with inanimate animals. I want them to be having conversations when my back is turned. I guess sometimes the fantasy of childhood stories is still attractive to me. What if these frozen creatures are just waiting to become real?
Margery Williams said it best in The Velveteen Rabbit.
“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
Oh, talk about a trip down memory lane. Google Smokey the Bear, I dare you. It is awesome.
Perhaps Bert the Bear just needs to be loved, then he can become real. He would most likely have to go live in the woods at that point. He would want to start dating other real bears, and most likely would like to start a family. Maybe he could even get a job with Smokey the Bear fighting wildfires. Is Smokey even still around?
I imagine I would be sad like I was watching E.T. as a child. I still cry like a baby every single time! The Velveteen Rabbit makes me cry too. I even cried when Steve went to college on Blue’s Clues. I think it may have something to do with loss. Moving on. Starting a new chapter.
This year has been full of transition for me. I changed jobs, started traveling, and made a lot of new friends. The hard part is not seeing my old friends with the regularity I am accustomed to. I miss them. I find myself wondering what they are doing now. I miss the inside jokes and laughter. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? I wonder if I am ever going to have these kind of relationships again.
The most challenging aspect of leaving the comforts of the familiar is the fear of forming new attachments. Part of me does not want to risk feeling the way I did when I was trying to plan for my future. I felt like I was unfaithful to my work family. I had dedicated so much energy to getting the job, learning the job, keeping the job, and finally in the end, leaving the job. What is the protocol for changing everything about the way you live your life? How should you approach the transition from completely career oriented to fighting the tendency with everything you have?
I think I understand why divorced people often get married so quickly. It is an undeniable force with a gravitational pull to the very thing you have been trying to avoid. I wanted to stop having my work as a nurse practitioner as my primary focus in life. This does not make the work unimportant, it is simply an attempt to have more balance. My problem is my constant need to be working on a project coupled with a painfully short attention span.
Oh! Back to the story about Bert the Bear.
Bert the Bear was still there! Not entirely sure how I feel about this. He has obviously not been loved enough- YET!
On my way home I obviously had to stop and see Bert. I was curious if he had met someone special, and secretly hoped he would figure out how to unchain himself from his bonds. Alas, he was still in the exact same position when I rolled to a stop in the parking space directly in front of him.
Barry the Fishing Bear.
Now, meet Barry the Fishing Bear. He is soft, cuddly and could probably keep you a little warmer at night than Bert could. Barry was just sitting inside the restaurant, chillin’, and dare I say waiting? When I saw him our eyes met and it was magic. It was Kismet. Destiny demanded a selfie with this handsome dude. I offered to take him back to Texas with me, but he wanted to go back to Colorado for the winter. I think he skis Vail or something like that.
I totally crack myself up on my road trips. I listen to podcasts and have private concerts. Car dancing is usually a guarantee. I am experiencing more of the world and learning to do something other than work. I think it has been good for me.
The best part? Well, despite the fact I am no longer employed full-time with my old job, we all have phones, Facebook, and I still work there sometimes when I am in town. I have not lost anything. I am simply gaining new experiences and skills. If I find myself too lonely Work Mommy and Work Daddy are just a phone call away. Actually, so is my real Mommy.
This is an adventure. I am lucky to have this chance.
My adventures continue to astonish me. I just got back after a long weekend in Colorado. It was my first time! I went to celebrate one of my mudder buddy’s birthday. It was fantastic.
Allow me to say, everyone should want to be in Colorado. It is breathtaking. Actually, it really is breathtaking, there is no freaking oxygen up there! I am convinced they don’t need the legal marijuana, they could probably just get by with the mild hypoxia. Sheesh.
You know I had to go to Super Target as soon as we got there. Jill and I were on a team together for the Mesa TM, so this was the ideal place for a selfie.
Here is the great thing about Jill, she thinks I am funny! That always scores bonus points in my book. We had a ball walking around Target and touching everything that looked the least bit entertaining. My mother would have killed me if she had seen me messing with so much stuff. If it had a lid, I opened it. If it looked prickly, I had to feel whether or not it was sharp. Sigh. I love Target.
The plan for the weekend was to head out west to Grand Junction for a wine festival with another of Jill’s friends, Sarah. This was bound to be an epic road trip. Sarah is a ball of frenetic energy. We played car games involving a certain body part and RV names. hehehe. Just three girls with a completely juvenile sense of humor.
#JillHasaHemiGo ahead and ask me why I am standing like that. I dare you. I am such a dork.
Lucky for me, the girls made it a point to show me the sights. Winding through canyons and going up mountain pass roads, holding on for dear life because I was certain we were going to end up like the rusted out car I saw crashed up on the side of a mountain. We wound our way up to the Continental Divide.
I was enthralled by all the mountains. In my naiveté, I thought we were going through mountains when we were in Golden. I still don’t believe those are just “foothills,” I would rather call them little mountains. Imagine me excitedly shrieking about rocks and the scenery for the next six hours and you pretty much have a pretty good idea of how the trip went.
I love these grapes. Peaches and grapes make for some pretty interesting wine.Like my new bag? It holds three bottles of wine. You know, for emergencies.
Now, we had to stop to check out the wineries on our way.
The road trip across the state was fantastic. That night we went out to dinner and then went to check out the local “scene.” No details, but there was paint involved.
Magical concoction served in a copper or maybe it was brass cup.Don’t worry, I called.Strange times. Glow paint. Guess it was fate I wore that shirt.The glow paint was awesome. We danced the night away! Best part of the night? Harassing the poor security guard who never smiled. Second best part? When he was replaced by the cute security guard with a beard.I have no idea why I felt making this face was necessary. The guy who painted it claims to have gone to “Art School.”Speaking of Art. There was all this random artwork on the street. I fell in love with this ostrich. We named him Art. I am not sure why Jill was trying to strangle him.
This trip was great! I have not even told you the best parts yet. Met some fantastically fun people, and spent the day laughing so hard. Adventures are fun.
Remember: It did not happen if you did not take a picture.
You know, if getting the job done were easy, we would not need advocates.
I find myself in difficult situations sometimes. I assure someone I will help them. I warn them I do not know how to solve the problem, but we will figure something out. At that point it is time to start going through the list of people I know, reading up on whatever the problem is, and basically banging my head into the wall.
These experiences turn me into every case manager and social worker’s nightmare. Here I am muddling in their affairs, promising people things we have no way to obtain, and in general expecting all the stars to align in my patient’s favor. Oh, I assure you I am not a miracle worker. I try to set up the expectation I will fail.
And I do. I fail many times. I am forced to humble myself and repeatedly explain to people I have no idea what I am doing.
It is not a big deal to help someone with something you are an expert in, that is typically just finding the need. Now, try to help someone with something you never even knew could be a problem. You don’t even know you don’t know.
So, I start asking questions. People become exasperated when they give me an answer and I deem it the wrong answer. That did not solve my problem. So, next solution. Will the next step please stand up? Admit it, Slim Shady just popped into your head. I pester people until they finally breakdown and start contacting their super magic resources. Still no luck? Okay, let’s keep bugging people until someone finds someone who knows a possible solution.
I do not mean to indicate I deserve credit for any of the out of the box solutions people help me come up with. If we are being honest, my role is to act like a two-year old and continue to pester with “Why?” Why can’t we try this solution? Why won’t they let us do this? Well, the way I want to do things makes the most sense. What do you mean it is illegal? Oh….. okay. How about this? No? Why? Why can’t we try? Fine. This goes on and on.
Now for the best part. After I have pestered someone all day without a good solution, I make them explain everything again. I plead. I cajole. I ask them to throw me under the bus if it will help get the information we need. Please, tell this person the stupid nurse practitioner you work with has messed everything up, and could they please help you understand the process so you can supervise the stupid nurse practitioner complete the task. You would be amazed at how well that works.
See, if these problems were easy to solve people would not tell me about their issue. If there was already an easy solution one of the other people they had gone to for help would have just taken care of it. Instead, the other people know the difficulty in finding a solution, and they just can’t do it. They may not know anything about it. Maybe they just don’t want to.
Why can’t I do that? Because when I need help with something big for my family, I hope I can find someone who says “I don’t know how to fix this, but we will figure it out.”
**** If you are a case manager, social worker, supervisor, physician, friend, or just someone I call to beg for help… Thank you. I could not have helped without you. You are really the one who worked magic. I just acted as a voice. I suppose that happens when you are an obnoxious loud mouth. You are the best.
The Accidental Boxer 
