Sexual Healing

I’ve been thinking. Okay, that’s a lie. I’ve been procrastinating. (When I started this I was supposed to be packing.) What is the thing that makes great sex great? 

I feel like I have read something about this somewhere. It’s not like there is a shortage of people writing about this topic.

Great sex. I guess you could start with a tutorial on how to give a great blowjob. The trick is to start with…

Of course I am not writing a lesson on fellatio! What the hell is wrong with you? My grandparents are my most loyal readers! As far as they are concerned I don’t even know what that is. I have only had sex one time, and that was to conceive my child. I’m certainly not the kind of girl who does that! Sheesh. According to the comments on Facebook that would make me immoral. And dirty. A very bad girl. 

Once again, not the point. 

So, what makes great sex great? 

Communication. Listening, Responding. Following the leader. 

Some people are into dirty talk, while other people have no idea how to talk dirty and they say something stupid. “I have some sour cream for your love taco.” Yeah, no. Maybe in this instance a little less talking would be better. Guys please don’t say that. It’s weird. Also don’t ask her to call you Buffalo Bill. That either means you want to kill her or you think she’s fat. 

According to some mythological law great sex involves lots of positions and strategies. 6 licks here, move your hips clockwise 4.5 times, pull your foot up to scratch his ear. A+B (F+C) e=mc2, {G+c@^4} does not always work. There is no formula for good sex. It’s not the foxtrot or the Super Bowl.  Don’t spend so much time focusing on your routine that you forget about the guy or girl you are supposed to be… (insert that word my mom says we don’t say on Facebook.) You know, the F word.

Have  you ever had sex with someone who was trying to prove their sexual prowess?

Come on girls, you know the guy I am talking about. The Stud. The guy who tells you how great he is bed, describes the magnificence of his legendary penis, nonchalantly mentions the hoards of women who want to sleep with him. He is the best lay any of these women have ever had. He could be a porn star, but he intimidates all the actors. You should feel lucky. He has never failed to “give” a woman more orgasms than she can count. (Insert eye roll here.) Don’t sleep with this dude. This is guy is a loser with an inferiority complex. This attitude is disgusting. 

Not all sex is great sex. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. It can be fun. You can have a great time. Maybe it’s just a distraction or stress reliever. Maybe it’s just something to do. I’m not judging. Do what makes you happy. 

Great sex doesn’t start with taking off your clothes. It starts with communication. Flirting. Talking. Just leave the weird taco references out of it. Unless you are bringing tacos. Then we can talk about tacos. 

Pay attention to your lover. Isn’t that a strange word? Lover. It sounds so weird to me. Let me try a different one. Partner. Pay attention to your partner. Teammate? FWB? 

Boring sex usually means you are not that into the person, or they are not that into you, and you probably should not be sleeping with them. Granted, every single time may not be mind blowing, earth- shattering euphoria, but you shouldn’t be bored! 

Remember the scene from Jerry Mcguire with Tom Cruise and Kelly Bishop banging against the bookshelves? She is screaming at the top of her lungs and Tom is looking annoyed. I don’t think he was really digging her. The dog yawned. I love the dog. If only one of you is caterwauling and really into it, the performance feels a little disingenuous. Don’t carry on like a raving lunatic unless it is really amazing. Be honest! You shouldn’t be able to jump up and “grab some fruit” if you have just had an orgasm that left the neighbors suspecting you are possessed with some kinky poltergeist. 

Which leads me to my next point. Maybe it is the same point. I don’t know. Please don’t have sex with people if you don’t really want to. It shouldn’t be an obligation. It’s not going to be fun if you would rather watch that episode of Friends y’all started on Netflix. Netflix and chill may be a euphemism for sex, but it’s okay if you really wanted to watch Netflix. Even if you have had sex with this person in the past, even if you are in a relationship, even if you are married, if you don’t want to have sex, don’t. It doesn’t matter what magic tricks he has up his sleeve, if you are not into it, it’s going to suck. 

Hopefully you are sleeping with people you know and like, maybe even love. Great sex doesn’t just happen. It’s not something one falls into. I’ve been working on this post for four days and I am no closer to defining great sex than when I started. Maybe I need more practice.