Despite My Best Intentions

Despite my best intentions, my feelings are hurt. Just so you know. 

This is as honest as I know how to be. I try to be easy-going and patient. I try to remember it probably has nothing to do with me. Except it does. 

I get to be upset and disappointed when things just are not working out the way I want them to. I am allowed to be frustrated when you are emotionally unavailable. It’s hard enough with the distance and our crazy schedules. 

But I also know this is temporary. I will not always be working nights, in fact there is already an end in sight. I am also betting on the fact that if I am patient we can figure this out. 

Life gets in the way sometimes. 

I’m not saying I am ready to give up on this thing. I am not saying I want to fight about it. 

This guy makes me laugh. He has so many good qualities and we share so many of the same sensibilities. 

Walking away would be easy. Throwing a fit and putting out ultimatums would be a quick way to end this uncertainty. We all know how much I hate uncertainty. I want to know how this will turn out right now! I need assurances. I need to know. 

Except life doesn’t work that way. 

He’s not perfect. Neither am I. 

It’s okay for me to be unhappy about the situation right now. I guess when enough is enough I’ll decide what I want to do. I don’t have to lie and say I’m okay. I’m not. 

I will be though. 


But if you love him you’ll forgive him even though he’s hard to understand and if you love him oh be proud of him ’cause after all he’s just a man.

-Stand By Your Man, Tammy Wynette

It’s not simply a matter of caprice, this is not an unreasonable reaction to the situation. I don’t have irrational expectations. I’ve gotten over the hurt feelings. The idea I can fix this if I am just easy-going and flexible can be disregarded. Completely. 

I’m not Tammy Wynette. 

I am not the kind of girl who will sit around indefinitely wondering just what exactly is going on. I am not the girl who will continue to make excuses for someone else’s inconsiderate and inconsistent behavior. My patience only goes so far. 

Yes, I suppose I could try to communicate my feelings. Again. Why should I? Nothing changed when I did it the first time. I’ve been doing some reading and I do need to change some of the things I do. My attempts to avoid demanding and difficult behavior have stymied my ability to effectively communicate my needs. 

And that is the problem. If the thought of telling him how I feel and what I need leaves me anxious and dreading the topic, I don’t trust him to listen and respect me. I attempt to avoid vulnerability and it’s causing problems. 

I’m not Tammy Wynette. 

I’m cute, smart, and funny. I am not going to sit around waiting for you to throw me a bone. I deserve better. 

After all, he’s just a man. 

Stupid Tarot App and Horoscopes

I have this app on my phone, Yes No Tarot. You pick from four categories, think of a question, and tap a card to get an answer. Supposedly the answer you get is the answer to your question. Nevermind if you ask the same question over and over, you will get a different answer every time. 

Let’s test this theory. 

Will I ever be ridiculously wealthy? 

I like this answer. Despite the fact that I am certainly not involved in restructuring failed companies, I am going to take this one. I am ready for the power brokers to come woo me. I’ll sit by the phone and wait for them to somehow find my pushy, charming personality. I feel like this could certainly happen. 

Let’s try that question again. 

I like to think I am kind and generous, and miraculous money would be nice to fall into. I would certainly not be opposed to focusing on people with housing challenges. 

Oh! Wow! Still a yes. I am feeling this bodes well for my future. People would be jealous if I were ridiculously wealthy. I wouldn’t mind keeping it a secret. I am not sure I am the person I would choose to be responsible for other’s finances, but okay. I guess if the iPhone app says I should do it, I can’t argue. 

Wanna see if the streak keeps going? 

Okay, I know I have an extraordinary amount of crap but can I seriously plan on a ridiculous amount of money to come from a yard sale? Oh. Wait. The yard sale is just going to plant seeds for slow growth. Sounds like a lot of work for seeds. Do I look like someone who enjoys gardening? Much less waiting. Hmmm. 

Bwahahahaha! Yes! Others should seek my financial advice. I make such good decisions. I’ve lose $25 on my Robinhood app. I certainly have the Midas Touch. 

Dammit! That’s what happens when I don’t quit while I am ahead. This is why I don’t need to hang out in casinos. 

I wonder what it says about my love life. Next question and category: Is My Spy the great love of my life? (Fingers crossed- I am pretty much crazy about this man.) 

These cards must be broken. I don’t like this answer at all. Maybe the app didn’t hear me when I said I am crazy about this guy. 

Let’s try again. 

What is this asshattery? I don’t live in a fantasy world! This game is broken. Let me try again. 

I don’t think I like this game right now. 

It’s still wrong! I already met him! What the hell? 

Maybe I need to consult a Ouija board. Surely that is more accurate. Wait. Do they even work when you are alone? 

I guess it’s a good thing I don’t believe in this crap. At least as far as my romantic future goes. Now, I may start consulting it more often in my financial planning. I liked those answers.  

Let’s check my Horoscope for tomorrow. I like to plan for the future. 

Hmmmm. I think this is good. Or is it bad? Is it all just games? OMG. This is why I shouldn’t read this crap. This could be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. He’s in it for the long-term, but does that mean he’s only in it for long-term games? If I didn’t know better I would be quite upset and sending him a diatribe of angry text messages. Surely he will check my Horoscope and understand instantly what he’s done wrong. 

Insomnia sucks. 

Tell Me About It

I spend a lot of time awake when the rest of the world is sleeping. This leads to a lot of time for reflecting. Are we really going to call it reflecting? How about we be honest and call it overthinking, overreacting, and in general driving yourself insane.

What if the problem is not that I am overthinking? 

Sometimes another person’s behavior affects me in ways I wish it wouldn’t. Their inability or refusal to communicate hurts my feelings and I become frustrated and passive aggressive. No, apparently I am not enough of an adult to talk about it like an adult. I would rather make snarky comments. Apparently. 

Having an adult conversation about hurt feelings feels weird. I don’t even know how an adult is supposed to feel about things. The first moment of disappointment and my inner twelve year old comes leaping to stage ready for her melodramatic moment in the spotlight. Oh! Woe is me! My life is over. No one will ever understand what I am going through right now! No one has ever been through this. I’ll show him! This is all fine and good except no one, including me, has time for all that nonsense. 

So, I have to usher my little self off the stage, shush her, and give her something to distract herself with. Just so I can do all the grown up stuff I need to do. Every so often the twelve year old shouts out something to keep the drama stirred up, she hates to be ignored. She’s the one who makes the snarky comments and collects the shitty memes, just in case she needs to prove a point. No adult would ever do that. What kind of adult uses memes to communicate important things? 

If I read enough crap on Facebook, I will convince myself all men become amazing communicators when they really like a girl. They call, send flowers, text, move mountains to see her. They will eschew all responsibility to make sure they can be next to this girl. 

Now, I wouldn’t do that. Why would I expect a man to? Why does society expect me to have expectations I wouldn’t want someone to live up to? Worse, why do I find myself trying to expect those things? 

So, then I have not only an internal battle about my inability to commit because I don’t want the kind of relationship I think I am supposed to want, but I also struggle to define what behavior is acceptable. 

I don’t know what I want! That’s the whole point. 

I have determined some things are no longer negotiable though. You have to make time to talk to me. Maybe not every day, but most days. I have to make time for you as well. 

I like to be flirted with. I like to flirt back. It’s part of what makes relationships fun. I want to have this with the person I am in a relationship with. I don’t want to have to find it somewhere else. 

My schedule is crazy. Chances are his is too. This means we have to make plans. It’s never going to just happen to work out. It will take effort and planning by both of us. We both deserve for the other to be willing to make this effort. 

We have to care about the day to day stuff going on with each other. You should be interested in my life and I should be interested in yours. This is especially important if we can’t be together all the time. It’s going to require talking about things. Even the boring stuff. 

We have to respect each other’s need for space, while still being cognizant of the other’s feelings at that time. For example, if I am needing space that day but he is needing intimacy and closeness I should still be willing to reach out to him a bit despite my desire to avoid the world. We have to be receptive to each other’s clues. 

I am responsible for holding my inner twelve year old at bay, but I also have to protect her feelings. I can’t constantly place her in the position to be hurt and expect her not to act out. This is when the grown up me has to face the uncomfortable and be honest with myself. 

Sometimes it’s not that I am overreacting, sometimes it’s that I need something to be different. It doesn’t mean I am angry or that the other person is bad, it just means this isn’t working. We need to find a solution. Because that’s what grown ups do. Or so they tell me.