Tinder Scars

Okay. I need to know- seriously! Does this work? Ever? 

Then, there was this guy… 

I’m sorry, but do what??? When I am passionate? WTF? We had been having a very nice discussion about French Bulldogs VS English Bulldogs. How did we go skidding off the rails here? 

Guys, if you can’t even maintain polite conversation long enough to get me to agree to go out with you, how on earth are you ever going to convince a girl to actually sleep with you? It’s not that hard! Be polite! A little mystery goes a long way. I don’t want to meet your penis before I meet your face! 

So, chances are- I need to deactivate Tinder. I’m not this kind of girl. I’m a nice girl! Well, mostly. That’s not the point. 

Gross. Stop trying to send me pictures of your little friend. I’m good. In fact, I’m more than good. I’m all set. I can find those all on my own if the mood strikes. 

Tinder, you have scarred me for life. 

Tinder Talks

I do not even know where to start. Did you seriously just ask me if I like cuddling? What kind of question is that? I thought we were on our way to having a nice conversation about work. I was all geared up to explain more about what I do. Then, he had to ruin the whole conversation. Instant turnoff. “Do you like cuddling?” I guess this explains that service where you can hire someone to come spoon with you. Sorry buddy. I don’t give my cuddles to just anyone.

Then, the other guy… WHAT? Indubitably? Ugh. The pretentiousness of this dude is so thick I doubt I could ever get passed it. He may have been trying to be charming and cute. It is a shame he failed so miserably. He never recovered. Unmatched.

Keeping in mind, I am not looking for Prince Charming. Nope. Not at all. I just kinda want free dinner. Which is going well. I have met or have plans to meet several people. I don’t even know if I would call this dating. Perhaps it is just socializing. It is fun. Life does not have to be so serious.

I have even met a guy I really like. Tinderbabe. Ha! He just laughed when I told him his nickname. He is cute, smart, and funny. Who else do we know with those traits? We have a lot of similar tastes in movies and Netflix, so it works. I am comfortable and myself when I am with him. I feel like I have made a new friend. He even watches Downton Abbey with me. How freaking sweet is that? I am glad I swiped right on him.

If I am being honest, the only thing Tinder may be good for is an ice breaker. I am not going to pretend you can get to know someone on Tinder. For the most part, these are strange people with some interesting proclivities. There are several people looking for BDSM friends (I cannot figure out another way to word that), a dude looking for toes to suck (I failed to get a screen shot because I swiped left so fast), a guy just wanting to give massages (with no reciprocation required???), and many married looking for a third or FWB.

Some of my complaints.

  • Pics that are blurry and group pics. It is rude. Why even post a pic if you can’t tell anything about you?
  • Memes instead of pics. Again, what is the point?
  • Photos of your children. Are you using your kids to catch women? That is gross.
  • Incessant sexual innuendo. I have actually just started telling people I don’t appreciate it. Sometimes they stop and we can have a pleasant conversation. Other times, they have to get unmatched. I don’t have time to constantly redirect you. I believe I made it clear up front I am looking for people to hang out with, not a string of one night stands.
  • Married men looking for FWB. I don’t like it. I don’t care if you say your wife is cool with it. I still find it creepy.
  • Drug references. Are you not presentable at all? Why would I want to go out with you?
  • Repeatedly asking how I am and never the conversation never going anywhere. SAY SOMETHING!
  • Typing ‘U” instead of you. Are “U” that busy?
  • Only messaging me after 11:00 at night. Clear message for a booty call. No thank you.

Tinder is a quick and convenient way to meet people. Social media is strange. The common decency filter is often removed and replaced with inconsequential communication. Most of the people I communicate with are not people I would EVER date. I guess I am just as guilty as these guys are. I am using them for distraction and entertainment just as much as they claim to want to use me.

Let Go

  A year ago I thought I was doomed to be a complete failure. I had no idea what my next move was going to be, and I was certain I was never going to amount to anything again. I was heartbroken, ashamed, and more than a little lost. The only thing I knew for sure is I did not want to let go and move on. 

The next four months were torture. I woke up every day afraid this was going to be the day the other shoe dropped. I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I had no idea what solid ground felt like anymore. 

I had become jaded and bitter. I had no hope for a brighter future. I was losing the thing I had pinned all my hopes and dreams on. I was a broken mess hanging on to my misery with resolution. 

I was destroying myself. Every day was worse than the next. I cried frequently. I lashed out at my friends and became unbearably passive aggressive. I was daring anyone to knock the rather large chip off my shoulder. I was willing to fight to the death to stay where I was no longer wanted. (Not by everyone, which fed the confusion. Somehow, I was only despised by some.) 

The people who love me were worried. I was slowly unraveling and I had lost all hope. Then, the other shoe dropped. It was not fair. I had to make some hard decisions. It was time to let go. 

Letting go sounds so simple. It’s not. The death grip I had on the past had frozen me in time. The pain I felt on a daily basis could be seen in every breath I took. I was losing part of my identity. 

It started with an email from a physician looking for help. Once I became used to the idea of changing jobs, the ball was rolling. I still struggled daily with the feelings of worthlessness. I figured if I could not make it at the place I felt most at home, I could not make it anywhere. 

Slowly, I started to find shreds of bravery. I got out of my comfort zone. I met new people. Made new friends. I learned how to let the walls down, even if it was just for a few minutes. I traveled around the country. 

The shift was subtle. It happened in fits and starts. I was slowly finding the courage to be vulnerable without destroying the relationships I was in. I was able to protect myself by being myself. I no longer had to wonder who I was supposed to be. I could be me. 

I have fought hard to find the woman I am. I have messed up a lot along the way. Sometimes I forget how unhappy I was. I find myself looking back and wanting to find a way to go home. 

I can’t go back. Not after all the growing up I have done this year. I can’t be that girl anymore. 

She would have given anything for life to stay exactly as it was. She was too afraid to let go. I’m glad the other shoe dropped. 

Walking through Memories

 Looking back on the past can be dangerous. I tend to either romanticize or vilify all the characters of my personal story. People have drifted in and out of my life and I have to say they have all left a mark on who I have become. Some people left me with nothing but fond memories and we simply drifted apart. Others left me with wounds and scars, which eventually healed despite my best attempts to delay closure. I compare every situation to one of the unhappy endings, which allows me to justify my stubborn nature. I am not about to compromise on anything for anyone.

This is my mistake. I use the past as justification for continued unhealthy behavior. Sure, I have made some bad choices when it came to people, however this does not mean I am entirely incapable of maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.

When I look back on previous “relationships” (which should be in quotes because I am not going to act like I have had any great love affairs) I realize I was never actually invested in getting to know the other person, nor was I interested in finding out who I was when I was with them. I was always looking for a reason they were not THE ONE. You know which one I am talking about. I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable until I knew it was forever. I was not going to invest anything into the relationship until I KNEW!  I was so cool, I was freezing them out.

I could go off and allow myself to feel all unworthy and unlovable, or I could be reasonable and consider my responsibility for these failed relationships. Trust me, I was not easy to deal with. On a good day I am high maintenance. If I don’t like you, I am insufferable. However, I am not broken beyond repair. I am not some unlovable freak who no one wants to be around.

So, what is the point of all this reminiscing? Should I beat myself up because I could not figure out intimacy sooner? Remember poor Bridget Jones and her stack of self-help books? That bullshit is not the way to achieve good mental health.

Personally, the path to health comes from a dedication to being honest with myself. I have never experienced a period of my life that was either completely magical or utterly dismal. Nope. Everything is a lot more moderate. I think life tends to ebb and flow through various stages of comfort. Even on my worst day, I can find something good that happened. The best days still have annoyances. The key to my happiness lies in my ability to keep things in perspective. This includes the past! 

I have no intention of spilling all my deep, dark secrets here on my blog. The details are not important. Everyone has things they are not proud of. It is imperative that I allow myself to be multifaceted and to celebrate the lessons I have learned. I have never had anyone important to me demand perfection. Nope. For the most part, the assholes were not in my inner circle. So, why would I care what they wanted from me? The people who matter have liked me for who I am, not what I should be. 

Despite my failure to successfully engage in this whole relationship thing, I cannot employ that excuse to avoid intimacy. Then I would be robbing myself of potential greatness. Every relationship does not have to be perfect. I can learn to be myself and enjoy someone else’s quirks. I can let them see my unique place in the world.

I can trust people until they give me a reason not to. There must be a way to protect yourself and still drop the coat of armor enough to let someone in. I am interested in seeing what that is like. I wonder if the scary ever dissipates.

I have to stop telling myself strength comes from not needing other people. The real courage comes when you allow someone to penetrate the prickly outer shell. I can only learn from the past if I am willing to venture out and be bold. Remember, this is my adventure. I don’t want to miss it all because I am too scared to take the leap.


Why is this here? 

 So, the new job. There is an on call room and obviously it includes a bathroom. I have been here for 6 weeks and this stool has been sitting in front of the toilet the entire time!
I have a lot of questions.

  1. Why is no one concerned about this?
  2. Do they think it is normal to have a stool in front of the toilet?
  3. What purpose could this stool be serving?
  4. Who put this stool here?
  5. Why is it still here?
  6. I can’t imagine having someone join you in the bathroom at work, so why the extra seating?
  7. Although that is the only door that locks…. Ew. Nevermind.
  8. Do some people recline while on the toilet? Seems strange.
  9. Why the hell is this stool here?

These are just some of the things bothering me at the moment.

Busy saving lives.

PS: I really need someone to move this stool. I wonder if I should move it. It doesn’t look heavy. I wonder where I would put it. Would someone put it back? I would die at that point. Eh. I’ll leave it there. Someone else can worry about it.

Tinder Nightmares

Okay. I am not trying to be mean, but let’s talk about this.  Below you will find a small selection of horrifying Tinder Pics. I am hoping some of these are jokes or even just hopelessly inept dudes who cannot figure out the simplest App ever.

So, Tinder seems to get into trends. One day all the guys are holding up their fish and the next day there are tons of weird animal pics. There was one guy with 6 photos, and there were a total of 11 different animals in those photos. It was just odd.

I got it! We should have PET TINDER! You could show photos of your animals, then you could set up “dates.” I have to get started on this. I feel confident this is one of my better ideas. Probably better than getting on Tinder myself. Ugh. 

Let’s go over what makes a good photo.

  • Smile! Look pleasant! Stop looking like a serial killer. You don’t look tough, you just look like an asshole.
  • Clothing would be nice.
  • Photo should not obscure every distinguishing feature you have.
  • Every photo is a group shot? Which one are you?
  • Why does your age say 38, and yet you look 12? (Not me being obnoxious about your age, it is really a photo of an actual child.)
  • If you skip leg day, don’t pose shirtless and flexing. It just makes your legs look like toothpicks that may snap under your overly eager upper body.
  • Duck Face? On a guy? No!
  • Obviously lying about your age? Not hot. We don’t fall for it either.


I really need for Naked Horse Guy to be a joke. This is just disturbing on too many levels. What on earth is wrong with you? None of the photos on his profile were any less disturbing or any more flattering. How can you have zero ability to tell a photo is not a good picture? We all have photos we hate of ourselves. We get frozen in time with weird expressions or from an awkward angle. I can really not come up with a good reason for this man to be posing topless next to this innocent horse.

I feel oddly torn by this profile. He loves cats. I love cats. He obviously likes books, rock & roll, and SOUL DJ? He just has weird tastes in photos. He could actually turn out to be interesting. Too bad his photos did not get better. Just a few normal, smiling photos would be nice.

Oh. My. I thought there was an animal. It was just an abundance of chest hair. He is not a physician, he is a medical student. I hate to break it to you, but you are not a physician until you graduate. His other photos were just as bad. He is looking for love in all the wrong places???? No, I think love is just hiding from his cheesy lines and photos.

     Ummm. He is patriotic. He is actually not unattractive either. Once again, this pic is just plain weird. Why is this the first impression you want to give someone? What are you trying to say? What is the deal with the giant eagle? I also want to know about the dude in the kilt behind you. Ohhhhh. Maybe that is why you chose this photo. While I am dying to know, I don’t care enough to swipe right.

So many of these men include photos of their children. Or the photos are only of their children. Why? In what way is this a good idea or appropriate. It seems about as appropriate as taking your seven-year old to see Deadpool.

Tinder is chock full of ridiculous people. I get the distinct impression most of it is not real. At least I certainly hope so. If it is all sincere, there are way too many people out there with zero clues. None of them are quite ready for dating. I am not even certain they can hold a spoon. 

*I still really want to know the story behind the eagle.

Winter Lingers

 The snow is not as unpleasant as you would think. The roads are rarely sheets of ice. It is not really a big deal here with a few inches of snow. I sincerely hated it here the first six weeks. I was cold, unhappy, and desperately homesick. Things are getting better. I am settling in. My son will be here before I know it for a visit. Spring is just around the corner. I hope. 

The light here is different. It feels darker and gloomier than I imagined. This may result more from my general disposition than reality. My general disposition could be influenced by the ridiculously dreary nature of my current environment. I have heard it is beautiful up here in the spring and summer. I am not sure I believe them.

I cannot imagine how people survived up here before modern conveniences. I cannot fathom how anything was accomplished at all. Everyone keeps telling me this is a mild winter. It is horribly cold. Bone chilling. Teeth rattling. You feel as if your soul is being stabbed with 1000 frozen stakes. 

Okay, it is probably not actually so bad. There have been several pleasant days. I am just recovering from the -15 degree temperatures from this weekend. I was miserable. It hurt to breathe. I am fairly certain my eyelashes froze off. My toes are still a little cold.

People really should not live up here. To be this cold cannot be good for the personality. It may explain why people up here are not as friendly as they are at home. It is just too damned cold.

Love is in the air

  Maybe not love… But interesting and fun things. Just wondering: if you meet someone who is a friend of a friend on Tinder, can you honestly say you met through friends? 
Of all the Tinder dates from last week, he is the best. I actually want to spend time with him. I want to be his friend. I am having an exceptionally good time. (Somehow I got him to watch Downton Abbey with me tonight.) 

Things are looking up. I had a most fantastic week. I learned some lessons.

1. Too many first dates in one week is exhausting. 

2. There are LOTS of losers in the world. 

3. It’s okay to just be me. 

4. I still don’t understand the damn semicolon. (Not important)

5. A good first date CAN include a movie as long as there is dinner after. (Deadpool is a great date movie.)

6. Dating does not have to be all that serious. It’s just hanging out with someone new. 

7. If he makes you laugh, brings you flowers, and makes you feel like he wants to hear what you have to say it’s a good date. 

8. A guy who has some stories to tell is the best date. So much better than 20 questions. 

9. Having mutual friends is fun. It’s most fun when you are both texting her about each other. Just don’t accidentally send him the screen shot you were trying to send her.  *

*of course I did not really do that. **

**obviously, I did that. ***

***he laughed and offered to forward it to our friend. Oops. 

Tinder. Please don’t. 

  Let me be clear. Ewww. This is the ONLY correspondence I have had with this “gentleman.” Trust me, it will go no further. Gross. Please do NOT come to my hotel. Is this real? I never dreamed people actually spoke to people this way. It’s tacky. 

Come on guys! Does this work on any level? What the hell is wrong with you? This is seriously gross. Oh! And the Pray Now picture? One of his profile photos. Certainly seems to be a man of God to me. 

On a brighter note, I have had some interesting and seemingly nice “chats” with some fellows. (Pronounced fella in Texas) I just love the word fellow. Pretty sure it is the best word for a man.  Not the doctor kind though. I only like a few of those.
I don’t know how to feel about Tinder. I have been called “beautiful, baby, honey, hun, gorgeous, sexy, sweetie, darling, and dear.” All of these terms of endearment from people I have not even spoken to. (FYI: this pretty much puts you on the un-match list.) 

You don’t know me! Don’t be calling me names. Try “hello” and say something witty and clever that is not filled to the brim with innuendo and references to either your penis or my breasts.  

I promise you: I am not going to have sex with you the first time I meet you. Probably not the second either. Wait. Not probably. It’s not happening. 

So stop alluding to sex! It’s annoying! You are an adult. Can’t you have an adult conversation without stooping to sex? Do you have any hobbies? Is your job interesting? 

Furthermore. There is a shocking number of profiles for married men out there looking for FWB. I’m dying to know. Why don’t you have sex with your wife? Your marriage would probably be happier. If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, maybe you should evaluate how you are treating her. Do you make her feel special? Do you make her a priority? What is it? Why are you giving up on our marriage? Love your damn spouse! 

Maybe I am naive. I think I may have to follow a certain British chap’s advice and go back to the old fashioned way of meeting people. You never know, you may get to have a really fun time at a Bruce Springsteen concert.