I do not want to beat a dead horse. However, allow me a moment to explain what Father’s Day means to me. My father disowned me when I was sixteen years old. It is not like we had a good relationship before that time, but I was able to pretend we had the possibility of having a relationship. Now, almost twenty years later, I am still filled with regret and wishful thinking.
I do not blame my father for his short-comings. I think he is sick in a way I cannot understand. He has his own demons, and it is not my baggage. The problem for me is this: being rejected by the one man in your life who is supposed to be there for you sucks. I find myself bordering on unhealthy man-hating. I do not want to feel the resentment. So, I pretend it does not bother me.
Most of the time, it doesn’t. I am living life on my terms, and I am making decisions for myself and my son that I feel good about. I am on the verge of starting a new job, and I am finally excited about the possibilities.
Rejection. Essentially, you are not enough. Or, perhaps you are a little too much. Either way, I was not what I was supposed to be. This feeling has permeated my entire life since the day he sent me on my way.
I have learned something though, this is just a feeling. It really does not have much to do with me. My father does not even know me. He does not know about my education, career, friends, or how I am a loving daughter and mother. He does not know all the hours I have dedicated to making myself a better person. He does not know that I am kinda funny sometimes. He has never seen my tenacity in action, and he has no idea how hard I work. He does not know me.
It irritates me that the rejection I experienced at the ripe old age of sixteen has tainted some of my current relationships. I find it painful to think I lash out, or ignore people as a protective measure. Part of being a grown-up is learning to move past these feelings, and learning to have healthy relationships despite the crap you have endured.
So, while I really have pretty negative feelings about Father’s Day, I am so glad to have so many wonderful fathers in my life. I wish them a very Happy Father’s Day, and I am so proud of them.
As far as my father goes: Good Riddance. That is all I can say. You sir, have missed out on a relationship with the coolest kid in the world. Your grandson is amazing and wonderful. You have also missed out on having a daughter. Seriously. It’s your loss. I may have regrets, but my family loves me, and I love them. It’s really too bad you don’t know what that is like.
The Accidental Boxer 
This one hit very close to home, lady. As I read it tearfully, I am hugging the 16 year old you and the present you. I am hugging me. I am hugging your son and my sons. All of us deserve better, but you’re right. It is the fathers who are missing out in this case. ❤
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Thank you for the kind words. I almost did not write this, then I figured- I want to share my truth. I do not hate this man. I live with regret… but, I am not angry. Yes, there is years of hurt there- but, my life is really good. It is his loss.
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I love this. It’s very easy to think “you are not enough.” That’s the painful lie. I actually like the thought of being “a little too much.” In a very good way… Maybe too much optimism, too much motivation, too much heart, too much of a thinker and a doer… Blessings to you but I know it can still hurt. His loss. 🙂
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Thank you. This is the best way I have been able to explain myself to myself. Too little and too much all at the same time. I aspire to just be enough.
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❤
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My daughter has gone through the same thing with her father except he didn’t disown her. She always tells me he is an a–hole but he’s her father and she still loves him. I hear your pain. As a mother, I can’t tell you how awful it is to see my daughter go through this. I divorced him many years ago but I still have that urge sometimes to just punch the daylights out of him but I know it won’t do any good. He is who he is. He lost so much as your father has with you. Big Hugs to you!
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Thanks. It is so weird and hard to come to grips with. You can’t help but love the person your parent is… And it is hard to deal with it when they don’t want anything to do with you.
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I don’t know the reasons he thought he had to disown you, but like you said, his loss. You’re probably better off without that kind of person in your life and without that person being an influence on your son. You can make sure you raise him to be a good man and nothing like your father. I can understand the conflicted feelings though. I was somewhat estranged from my dad, but everyone loves you when you’re dying. I do want my kids to know him though.
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He had his reasons. They do not seem very valid now… But, yeah. It’s his loss.
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