Why I Don’t Feel Guilty

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IMG_7177Ha! I do not feel guilty about cheating anymore.
Of course I am talking about my cheating, lying ways on Words with Friends. I advertised somewhat publicly on my blog that I am cheating. If my “friends” were reading my blog, they would know. They really have no excuse. This is why I don’t feel guilty.

I am really kidding. Well, not about the cheating part. I am cheating.

I really like winning.

Now, if only there were a good way to cheat on Trivia Crack….

No, that one will stay pure.

🙂

The Gift of Family… and thoughts on Parenthood.

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If you are my FB friend, then you surely know how much I love the show Parenthood. There is something about it that speaks to my soul. The intangible gifts that come from having a real family are difficult to explain or illustrate, and I feel that this show manages to paint a picture of real people (Yes, I know they are not real.) whose devotion to family trumps everything else.

I have a wonderfully complicated family, full of love and laughter. We have overcome hardships, and continue to make it through this world together. This is not going to be a description of my family though. This is not the forum for that. Besides, this would end up being very long, and I lack adequate talent to represent my quirky, fantastic, fabulous, and awesome family. (See? I even have to resort to the word awesome.)

I want to talk about the gifts that one derives from a supportive family.

Unconditional love is one of the most valuable commodities for human growth and personal satisfaction. Seriously. People need the assurances that no matter what, they are going to be loved. This security is what allows us to branch out and take risks. Toddlers experience this with coming to find their caretaker every little bit while they are exploring. They are seeking the foundation. The rock that they can count on. As the child grows, they push limits to test the stability of that relationship. They need to see that despite their worst behavior, they are still going to be loved.

I firmly believe that we often use our family as a safe place to let our internal little monsters out to play. We rebel, argue, talk back, and in general leave a trail of worry with every step we take in adolescence and young adulthood. (I realize that there may be lots of “good kids” out there, but this is my blog, therefore my experience.) Now, if our family has done their job, we have a security blanket. No mistake is too large for our family to turn their backs on us. The best part? Knowing that we can come home after all the chips have been cashed in.

So, eventually we grow up. (Or at least we manage to get some grown up responsibilities.) For me, it was having a baby. I was 18 and pregnant. I am so lucky that my family came together, and supported me through that process. The children who are born to mother’s like me, women who are woefully unprepared for motherhood, end up with something even better; a whole village of family who pitches in and helps raise them. One of the biggest surprises that came with having a baby, is that I no longer knew everything. Quite the contrary. I knew nothing. (Becoming a mother is a humbling endeavor. Scary and wonderful all at the same time.)

Life continues to throw curve balls, and I continue to dodge and weave my way through them. Sometimes, they hit me squarely in the chest, and knock the wind out of me. My accomplishments have only been possible with the support of my family. This is the one truth that I know without a doubt. I am confident that no matter what path I choose in life, as long as I am happy, my family will stand behind me and cheer me on. (Remember, I like to be cheered for.)

Watching the series finale of Parenthood last night, I was struck by how much Zeke’s encouragement meant to his children. They all have a different relationship with their parents, and the writers managed to stay consistent with these roles. Crosby is the wayward son that needed to be told that he could run a business without his big brother, while Adam (the big brother and savior) needed to be told that he was not responsible for his brother. Sarah wanted her dad to give her away to the man who would be the most important man in her life. Julia’s relationship with her dad was not addressed as much, but her devotion to her family is very much her father’s legacy.

What struck me, left me in a sobbing heap of kleenex, was the realization that all of our families want happiness for their kids. Self-actualization. Be who you were born to be.

We all knew Zeke was going to die. It was only the theme of the four last episodes. I was dreading it. I was afraid that it would be devastating. The creators of this show gave us a gift though. The montage at the end managed to show how the family moved on, and found happiness, even without their patriarch. After all, it is all he really wanted.

The song says it all. Mr. Bob Dylan managed to wrap it all up with a neat bow and catchy chorus.

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

This song articulates my wishes for my son far better than I ever could. I want him to keep a sense of wonder, and to still enjoy a surprise. I want him to know that whatever path he chooses, I will be his foundation, and be waiting for his return home to check in. I can’t wait to read the story he writes for his life. I bet it is going to be quite the adventure.

My First Day Back

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So, I have been a total chicken lately. Completely punked out of boxing and going to the gym. Last night was my first night back in close to a month. Boxing is hard enough when you have been working out all the time, your first night back awakens muscles that you completely forgot about. I am so glad that I finally went back.

So, what is it about boxing? Why do I love it?

I love boxing because it is a workout that is deceptively simple. I show up to class and follow directions. (Okay, I try to follow directions, but I still get my left and right confused, and find new combinations insanely difficult. I mean roll-out? Just Duck, Nyki…. what? Why? Why can’t I do this? Oh… you mean duck. Like this? No? What? I can’t do this! Is my turn almost over? You are still expecting me to do this? What? No! I should be at home. Oh!!!! I get it. woo- hoo! I did it! What??? I have to do it again? This is embarrassing. Oops. I messed up. What do you mean, pay attention? GRRRR.) Terry, my coach is a man with infinite patience. He has never let me feel like I cannot do it. He makes me do it until I get whatever it is that he has decided I am going to do. This is good for me. I need the feeling of accomplishment. I get so excited when I finally figure out what he was trying to explain.

I struggle with foot work, and I have very little stamina. 3 minutes (I think it is 3 minutes, it may only be 30 seconds.) is so long! An eternity. Turns out, it takes so much more than just your arms. My right calf takes a beating every single class. I never dreamed that boxing would be a total body workout. It requires balance, and it requires a certain level of mental strength. You push until you think you are actually going to die, and then you keep going.

This workout is good because there are a lot of people in the class who have been doing this for years. (They are so inspiring.) When they see me doing something wrong, (frequently) they are quick to show me a trick to help me understand. It is a wicked workout for everyone. The boxing friends are also so quick to encourage me. It’s like they can sense the moment I feel like giving up, and they give me some support at just the right time. (It could be my loud and incessant complaining and exclamations of I quit, and I can’t do this.)

Despite my awkward disposition, I do best when working out is a social endeavor. I need the support, and I am so glad that I have been welcomed into this class. Seriously. (I am so sore this morning. Advil, please do your job.) I am gaining self confidence, and getting an awesome workout in. I cannot imagine ever hitting another person, however I love hitting the heavy bags. I just wish we could spend more time practicing the whole hugging part of the sport. (THAT seems to be a firm no, however I am not about to stop asking.) My favorite word in the english language may be “TIME!” (signaling the end of torture) but, I also love the phrase he says at the beginning of every class. “Let’s Stretch.” I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn and improve. I think I am going to keep going. Maybe someday I will look strong and capable in those awful pictures and videos he takes. (seriously, I always look like I am dying.)

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Seriously, I think this would go over big in class. He would be so proud! hahaha

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No workout is complete without a least one selfie.

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Owww. My calf was on fire after about 30 seconds.

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I wanted to quit. But, then he pulled out the camera. I hate to look like I am just standing there while he has the camera out. It is embarrassing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, if you wonder why I love boxing. I love it because it is the most challenging thing I do. I get pushed to limits that I are so much farther than I thought I had. It is the best workout I have ever done. I am not going to give up, and I am not going to miss a month ever again.

*Photos of boxing class shamelessly stolen from my coaches FB. He tagged me, so I am gonna call it fair game. Hope he does not mind.

** I take classes at Right Cross Boxing in Lubbock. Seriously, the best trainer I can imagine.

The Hat

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My Nana used to crochet. She made me two baby blankets. One was pink and blue, and the other was green and yellow. They had a pretty chevron pattern. I remember once my brother came along, he adopted the green and yellow blanket. These blankets and our pillows were constant companions when we were watching TV. Blankets that are insanely warm and cozy bring so much comfort. Every one should have a Nana who crochets.

She tried to teach me; however, I am cursed with impatience. So, I learned how to do a chain stitch. That is all. Not much you can do with a long chain except unravel it and start again. I desperately wish I could turn back time and pay more attention. It’s a shame I would rather be out in the gazebo spinning in crazy circles laughing and yelling with my brother. I do not remember a time when Nana was not working on some project or another. She would sit in her chair, and alternately peer suspiciously out the window at the comings and goings of the neighbors and their families, and watch her “stories.” Nana was a real sucker for The Young and The Restless and The Bold and The Beautiful. Oh, and I can’t forget to mention The Price is Right.

So, imagine my delight when I see my FB friends sharing their new stitched creations. I love looking at them, and I secretly wish I had some way to learn. (Turns out, there are a ton of YouTube videos, and there is really no excuse for not learning. I just have not taken the plunge yet.) So, one day this very nice lady, Tina shared a pic of her two newest hats. The red one spoke to me. I thought it was beautiful. So, I jokingly commented how good it would look on me. A little while later, she sent me an instant message, and said she would send it to me. Turns out, she was making them just to make people happy! I was so excited. A few days later, my new treasure arrived in the mailbox.

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My Groovy New Hat!

Putting this lovely, handmade creation on my head instantly transported me back. This is why it is so special when someone gives you something they made. When you wear it, you actually feel their love. I was reminded of my Nana, and of the warmth provided by the blankets she poured her heart and soul into. So, not only did I get a groovy new hat, I got to remember my Nana. When someone takes the time to provide the basic comforts that we all crave, they are feeding your soul. So, this is for Tina, thank you so much for the hat and the memories.

I’m Not Lonely, I am Single

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“Being single is getting over the illusion that there is somebody out there to complete you and taking charge of your own life.” -Omkar Phatakc

Okay, so what? I am nearly 35 years old, and I am hopelessly single. That’s fine. I am really okay with it. Now, I would be lying if I tried to pretend that having a boyfriend would not be nice. It would be fine to have someone’s name to doodle while I am on the phone. (I suppose my doodles of “Bradley Cooper” complete with little hearts and exclamation points do not count.) It is time to take stock and see if I am capable of actually taking responsibility for living a full and productive life on my own. After all, it’s not like I NEED a man.

So, Let’s evaluate. Why am I not okay with being single? It boils down to the realization that I do not need a man in my life to live the life I imagined. Obviously, I never imagined that I would be approaching middle age ALONE. That word seems so negative. We were raised to believe that we would grow up, get married, and live happily ever after. One woman in London even married HERSELF! (Now, I personally find that absurd and intriguing all at the same time, the problem is, how would you even take that seriously as opposed to a desperate attempt to get attention? Notice, I am paying attention; perhaps she did have a good idea.)

Every TV show with a strong single female lead, culminates in her happily ever after. This has propagated the myth that there is somebody out there for everybody. Now, come on. Seriously? Is this actually true? Can you prove it? I would like to believe I have some character traits that someone out there would find attractive. I mean, I am moderately funny, I can hold up my end of a conversation, and I have quite a few varied interests. I can find attractive qualities in all sorts of men (however, well groomed facial hair is definitely a plus,) and I am pretty cute. I am an educated professional, and I am constantly seeking new opportunities to learn. So, fellas what’s the problem? How are you not knocking down my door ready to sweep me off my feet? (Ummm. If we are being honest, I hope you don’t have a bad back.)

Is that even the point? No. I am not actively searching for a significant other. I am working on learning how to make myself happy. I was introduced to this idea by my best friend, Angela. Her journey demonstrated the benefits of caring for yourself, and I saw her come back to life. Now, one of the most important parts of this journey is figuring out what makes you happy, and then acting on it! So often we wait to stumble into happiness. It is time to act on our desires. If you see yourself as a writer, then write. (Even, if it is bad at the beginning. There are books for that. You can learn if you really want to.) If you secretly want to run marathons and earn medals, then train. There is nothing stopping you except for your own fear. To learn to live fearlessly will give me the strength to look for new opportunities. Transition does not always have to be negative. You have to learn how to traverse the crevasses and climb the mountains in your heart. Knowing it is all within my grasp, even if it takes a leap of faith, gives me hope. No relationship will ever complete me as a person. In my opinion, (coming from the single, never married girl) a healthy relationship is two complete and whole people who come together to make a couple. I do not see myself finding happiness by “becoming one” with another person.

So, I am going to continue to focus on myself. I am going to keep moving forward, and learn to respect who I am. This is not an act of narcissism or defiance. And, if I am being honest, I will always enjoy my secret fantasies of a Hollywood fairy tale ending, however, if that does not happen, I will be able to proudly say that I lived a good life. I was happy. I did all the things I wanted to do. I accomplished something. I loved. I traveled. I laughed. Seriously, as women we have to stop waiting for Prince Charming, and put forth a little effort to save ourselves.

***However, remember I am always honest. If Prince Charming wants to come along for the ride, I am game. Just text me.

****No. Don’t text, call. I forgot, I am holding men to higher standards these days. If ya want to get to know me, pick up the phone. Make an effort. Remember the paragraph above where I stated some of my qualities? I am worth it.

You Gotta Have Faith.

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“Having a positive outlook means being optimistic even when you have continuous failures, and keep re-working on your plans.”
― Kandathil Sebastian, Dolmens in the Blue Mountain

Faith is so hard to hang on to. The moment I realize that I have let myself down, it is much easier to continue on the path of the fallen. You see, it is easy to keep working out, making the right decisions for my health, and eating well as long as there is no interruption. However, throw a wrench in my plans and watch me flail aimlessly along my way.

This has been a common theme in my life. I do well for a while, then I get distracted. How do you stay focused on your goals when you have fallen off the road? Perhaps it simply takes enough courage to step back up. Maybe I did not actually fall off the road, it could have been a detour. This puts the whole journey metaphor into perspective for me. If I am staying true to my ultimate goal of viewing life as an adventure, then I must stop viewing everything as black or white. I need to learn to find contentment in the gray areas.

I truly struggle with finding contentment. I always have this restlessness just under the surface. Always searching. Never quite sure what I am searching for. So, maybe instead of trying to define my ultimate goals, I should focus on the trip. After all, it seems silly to focus on a destination in life, when arriving means it is the end. Life is a journey not a destination.

So, today I am committing to my training. I have a TM coming up. I know it is going to be a massive undertaking. I will not be able to do my best if I do not work hard to prepare. It is so much easier to beat myself up and say “I can’t do it.” I am tired of being the girl that allows fear to paralyze her. I see pictures of victorious winners as they cross the finish line of their marathons. I want to be a finisher. The only way to achieve those goals is to start.

The beginning of any new adventure is hard. You may get lost along the way, but I am lucky. There is a map. I will meet other travelers along the way who will share their experiences and strength with me. They will share their hope. So, I will borrow some hope and faith from them until I get some of my own. Then, someday I will meet another weary traveler, and I will have something of substance to offer.

This is where I can make a difference in the world. I can learn and grow. I can be available. I may not be perfect, but I am a work in progress. I do not have to seek perfection. I just have to keep moving forward. I must have a little faith in me.

 

Trivia Crack, Words With Friends, and PlayBuzz Quizzes

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Why is it that we are so easily enamored by this nonsense? Give me a game, especially one where I can compete with my “friends” and Friends, and I am happy as a clam. (By the way, how happy are clams? What are they so excited about? Why is this even a saying?) I have no idea why Trivia Crack is so much fun. But, seriously… It is CRACK! You find yourself jonesing for a new life so you can start a new game, and why on Earth are they not playing? Do they not know I need to play? Ugh… So annoying.

Now, there are all these people who get all kinds of bent out of shape if someone sends them a game request. Do they understand that you have to get people on your team, it helps you plant your field or whatever. This is not solitaire folks. If you don’t want to play, then ignore my request. My favorite is people who say “I don’t have time to play stupid Facebook games.” Okay, you do realize that you are talking about not having time to participate in the only useful part of FB right? I mean you are complaining about people wasting your time on what may be the biggest time suck ever. Get over yourself. Imagine if no one ever invited you to play. You would be like Rudolph. (You know, the reindeer. He was never invited to play games either. It made him sad. He ran away. Remember?)

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Seriously people! I am waiting here!!!!

Now there are APPS!!!! You can connect to your FB friends and have a whole bunch of people to play with. I have actually been sitting next to someone, (you know, spending quality time…) while we competed in a friendly round of Trivia Crack. “HAHAHAHA!!! I beat you! You think you are so smart!!!! I WON!!! Yes. I am the Champion…” (Of a FB game, but still a champion.) You can track your Achievements and see how you measure up against your friends. This is awesome. I mean, you need a concrete way to be measured on your worthiness as a person. You have to be really super smart to play Trivia Crack.

 

 

 

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this is one of the pics I used to cheat with CheatMaster 5000. I am ashamed.

Now, Words with Friends. Okay, if you are currently playing me, I have once again resorted to cheating. I am sorry. I can’t help it. I was losing so badly. ALL THE TIME! It was not good for my self-esteem. I feel fairly certain some of these other fools are cheating too. They are coming up with way too many fake words. It is still fun. I cannot keep up the ruse that I am not cheating. I am using CheatMaster 5000. It even sounds a little scientific. Nope. Just a cheater. I feel the need to win. Oh, well. Now you know. If you don’t want to play with me anymore, I understand.

 

 

 

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Because who doesn’t need to know if they have basic Modern Manners?

PlayBuzz Quizzes. Once again, there is now an App. The most fun part is seeing how your results compare with your friend’s results. We compulsively share them on our news feeds. After all, these quizzes are totally scientific, and we stand to learn a lot about ourselves. Seriously, if you cannot afford therapy, just spend some real time taking PlayBuzz quizzes. You can find out what Frozen character you are, then read up on their personalities. It is a window to your soul.

 

 

 

Okay, so here’s the point. Facebook gives us so many opportunities to connect to other people, and more importantly, it gives us an easy distraction. So, if you get tired of seeing pictures of everyone’s dinner, their baby pictures, their vacation pictures, and their endless health updates; join the dark side. Come play Trivia Crack. I need more games going. It is taking too much time for my lives to regenerate and I need a fix.

Who Do You Think You Are?

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We are at the mercy of how others perceive us. We have to put our best foot forward, and present ourselves in a manner that makes us pleasant to others. Presentation is such an important part of interpersonal communication. Do I want to be seen as professional? Fun? Nice? Smart? Competent? Do I want these people to like me? Respect me? Do I even care?

For me, most of the time, I seek to been seen as competent, fun, and unique. Oh, and smart. I really work hard to learn as much as I can, and I truly value intelligence. So, how do I react when others are not so impressed by me? I lash out. I get defensive. I run away. (I mean, seriously… who needs that??? Everybody wants somebody to love.)

So, at what point does it cease being an act of running away, and more a calculated and planned change in environment? How much crap are you supposed to ignore? How do you quantify your hurt feelings? Worse, is it all you? Does this indicate that you are somehow defunct? Broken, malfunctioning?

Now, if we truly seek to be improving in our lives, as I so obviously seek to do, then we must take a moment to reflect. How much of the issue is due to your performance? How much of it is due to a personality conflict? How much of it makes no sense at all?

So, if you are failing to meet some expectation in your performance, you need to develop an action plan. There may be resources you need to utilize. Perhaps there is a knowledge deficit. Seriously, these are the easiest culprits to manage and fix. There is usually some specific behavior that you have not mastered. Okay, that is great. That says nothing about you as a person. Actually, it could speak to your willingness to learn and improve. This is where having mentors is helpful. They can guide you to the appropriate resources, and give you feedback throughout your process, allowing you to know how you are improving, and what is still missing or not correct. This relationship with your mentors will be very important. They are taking time to teach, and you have to be humble in order to accept criticism in the manner it is being offered. Criticism is simply critique, it is nothing personal. This is the best sort of problem to have. Easy to fix, as long as you are willing to do the work.

Now, for the things that are a personality conflict, you should probably analyze whether or not you are being overly difficult. (Now, this one kinda irks me- I feel like women tend to be labeled as difficult far more often than men, and I actually think that working with many men is way more difficult- they just don’t get the label.) However, it is probably something that you should evaluate. Do you allow your outside life to interfere, do your moods shift with the wind? Are you overly critical and difficult to please? Do you stop using common courtesy when speaking to others? Are you argumentative? Are you boring? Do you ignore the other person’s ideas? So, if you are difficult to get along with, you should probably take a long look at your behavior, and change the negative aspects. No one expects you to be perfect, but you do need to be nice and courteous to others. (It’s just the right thing to do.) Besides, there is a reason Thumper said “If you can’t say nothin nice, don’t say nothin at all.”

Now, in the event that someone is being mean to you for no apparent reason, you are left with a choice. Man up, confront them, and be willing to accept the consequences, or let it go. This is where it gets difficult. There is absolutely no way to change someone’s mind about how they feel about you, if it actually has nothing to do with you. This is where evaluating your part in the situation comes in handy. You have to work to change the parts you are responsible for. This is all part of trying to be a better person. You are not responsible for how others feel about you. Frankly, it is none of your business. All you can do is be the best that you can be.

So, what now? What if you are in a relationship that is leaving you feeling bad? What if you are banging your head against a wall, trying to please someone, and they just don’t care? They do not see all the good that you do, how hard you are trying? Then, you have to ask yourself why are you staying in this relationship? Any relationship should be mutually beneficial. Yes, there are ebbs and flows, but in the long run it should even out.

This is where so many friendships falter over time. As people grow and change, sometimes they outgrow each other. You see, relationships take effort. If It takes two to tango, well, it takes two to be in a relationship. One- sided relationships are not actually good for anyone. Resentment builds and grows as the injured party becomes passive aggressive and then both people end up hurting.

Mentors can help in so many areas. I would think that they are generally someone older and wiser, who have something about life figured out. You can have professional mentors, mentors for your marriage, heck, you can even have people you look up to for advice on all your relationships. It is always helpful to be seeking enlightenment, and trying to be better. Be more. Do more.

So, as long as you are willing to do the work, and to look at yourself and your part in any relationship, then you are on a path of enrichment.

Do not allow hurt feelings to rule your actions. Take a step back and evaluate the situation. If the relationship is important to you, then you need to work it out. If it is not important to you, is it actually worth all the stress? Should you break free and run? Walk out with purpose? Glare accusingly at the person who “ran you off?” Probably not. You should never burn bridges. You should always leave the door open for reconciliation.

Knowing when it is time to say goodbye:

I have no idea how you know when it is right. I have no clue as to how to quantify your emotions. I do know that you have to take care of yourself, and keep your goals and dreams as a priority. It is okay if those goals change over time. We are in a constant state of evolution, and as we evolve and grow our goals should too. There is no shame in moving on.

Another Turning Point

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It is interesting when you imagine all the decisions you make, as being turning points. Intersections. If you are lucky, there is a four-way stop enabling you to take a deep breath and analyze the choices.

I have made a decision to really devote some time to learning more about writing. I want to learn more about grammar, organization, and how to edit and refine my thoughts into a cohesive piece. Yes, I love my rambling musings, but I do not just want to write a diary. I want to learn to write with purpose. Even if the purpose is simply to entertain. (If you read my blog, you are aware I have a lot to learn.)

This is proving to be the thing that was missing from my life. A goal that was not centered firmly in my career. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my career. I love my job. Remember, it is the job. However, in order to feel like I am a whole person, I need to foster outside interests. I need an avenue where I have unlimited potential, and where I will reap what I sow. I keep coming back to a common theme in my life. I want to be an artist. Now, considering that I have zero artistic talent, I should probably not set my sights on being the next Picasso.

So, what is the point? Why is this important enough to be mentioned in this blog?

Well, this blog has given me an outlet. Something that has infinite potential, and that can grow with me as I hone my craft. (That sounds rather self-important… Nyki, you are sounding like an asshole.) Well, surely you get my drift. It all sounds so serious. But, seriously, it is just so much fun. I am so excited to learn a new form of expression.

Here it is. I need something I can work on. I need to find a concrete avenue for my thoughts. I need to be more of a person. I cannot simply focus on the day-to-day life. I need goals and dreams. So, here goes nothing. I am going to work on this “hobby,” and see what I can accomplish. Maybe if I am lucky, I will manage to improve and write something worthwhile. Not too shabby of a goal.

Snow Day!!!!!!

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Oh. wait. Nope. It did not actually snow that much. Oh, and ummm. I work in a hospital. I still have to go. Sigh. Groan. Fine. I’ll get up in a minute.

I wonder if it’s my turn on Trivia Crack… No. Sigh. Groan. Have you even seen Trivia Crack? It is better than Just about anything. No! I am not buying more turns. Somebody ask me to play!!!! I need to have a bunch of games going. I miss Words with Friends. But, one day I found that cheater app and then, I was compelled to use it. SO, it lost allure. (If I was playing you, and all of a sudden my skill level jumped… sorry. I cheated. I feel guilty. Well, a little guilty. It’s just a stupid phone game.)

Cheating. Ruins. Everything. While you may have started out innocently needing some help because all you had were H’s and U’s… Then, you find yourself being too lazy to think, impatience is bred by instant gratification. It is hard to go back. Finding a convenience is a slippery slope. It is kinda like our contact lists. I do not know ANYONE’s phone number anymore. If I ever found myself without my phone, and in need of calling someone, I would be so screwed.

I no longer feel the urge to learn directions I can use the map on my phone, get turn-by-turn directions, (I don’t have to think at all!) and while this has alleviated some of the stress in my life, I am vulnerable. I am actually dependent on my iPhone for EVERYTHING. I do not know my log in or password for most of my accounts, because I have them tied into an app. It is actually not an option to switch to a different brand of phone. Nope. I am going to have to stick with Apple. (Thanks for that Steve Jobs. By making my life easier you have ensured that I will always be buying the newest iPhone, and I have even developed a complete disregard for how much money I have dumped into iTunes. Yep. You were a visionary. A master of entrapment.)

So, I try to live my life with the ideal that anything worth having is worth working for. (Or, at the very least worth paying for.) This is why I never seem to get ahead. It never matters how much money I make, I always find something I NEED to make my life easier. Maybe making life easier should not be the point. (No, that is crazy talk. Hush your face!!! Someone is going to hold you to that ridiculous statement someday.) Okay, look. I am a sucker for things that save time and resources. Even if the resource is just a little bit of effort. Save steps! Don’t waste energy. Now, I find myself purposefully taking the long way around things, just trying to get in my fitbit steps (except, every time I am getting a whole bunch of steps in, I forgot to put it on!)

I am really trying to be mindful, and live a balanced life. I am trying to find new endeavors. I am trying to have something interesting to say. If I focus too much on one aspect of my life I have nothing to talk about. Worse, I am trapped. For example, if all I ever do is work, then work is the only thing on my mind. Every phone conversation is reduced to talking about my job. The only thing i can write about is work. That is boring. I do not want to be boring. I want to have hobbies and interests. I must avoid the tendency I have for developing tunnel vision. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of girl. This has not worked for me. (Why don’t you expand on that, Nyk? Don’t just throw the statement out there and move on….)

So, here goes…

I tend to be a little obsessive. If I find something I like, I cannot do it just a little bit. No, it becomes my entire focus. I become driven. I become annoying. I tend to fixate on things and actually manage to completely ruin them by making them THE ONE TRUE THING!!!!! The only thing I think about. I ponder, research, and worse…. talk about whatever it is that managed to come into my head. I find myself fitting the obsession into every conversation. I am like a teenager with a new boyfriend. It becomes all I can talk about. I forget that other people are not obsessed with whatever thing it is. I become inconsiderate, and I stop having real conversations. Everything is focused on me trying to analyze this new issue. This life changing situation. It makes me become a selfish, self centered prick.

This is where balance comes in. I have to be present, and allow new things to enter my life. I have to be engaged with others. I need to listen to their stories about what they love instead of just trying to perfect my own stories in my head. I tend to think about the best way to tell people about whatever profound idea I have found about my obsession to the point that I stop listening to their stories. All I can think about is ME!!!

Now, I think this is human nature. I honestly believe that most people have a little bit of this. We all have that friend who has gotten trapped in the fantasy of becoming a millionaire with whatever build- your- own- business- by- selling= this- product. You know what is funny? These multilevel marketing schemes are destined to fail. If I convince all of my friends to sell the same product I am selling, then I am going to run out of people to sell my crap to. Most of the people I know, know most of the other people I know. So, if we are all selling this stuff, who are we going to sell to? FaceBook proves this for me. You know that feature that shows you how many friends you have in common? I mean, if none of my “friends” knew each other, who would we have to gossip about? (For the sake of my reputation, I am going to say I NEVER participate in gossip. It is mean. We are actually just sharing concern for the people we know. Yeah, there, that is better.)

Oops. I was trying to find a topic, and to stick with it. How on earth did I go from SNOW DAY to multilevel marketing? Oh, well. I want to talk about this more. We all have those people in our lives who go on and on about whatever new kick they are on. Oh, you read a new self help book? PLEASE post your keen insights about how it manages to be applicable to EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT AND OBSERVATION YOU HAVE. Please post a thousand videos and memes about how you can apply the theory to your life and how it is going to make it better. Or, you decided to get a job in sales? Please only share your new insights and techniques 600 times a day. You found religion? Please let me know on FB how it applies to your life, my life, your career, my hobbies, my cat, Asia, the government…. Please Please only talk about that all day long every day. You know why? Because I do it too. We probably all do.

So, here is what I think I should do. I am going to start being present in the moment. I am going to allow myself to have new experiences. I am going to actively seek new interests. Instead of trying to know EVERYTHING about one particular subject. I am going to focus on knowing some about a lot of different things. I am going to try to not be obsessive. Until I become obsessive about not being obsessive.

Gee, it really is hard to not obsess. How can I force myself to not be so focused? Now, I am going on and on about not being obsessive.

Well at least today is a SNOW DAY! Oh. yeah, I forgot, it’s not. oops.

*This is so random. I probably should not even post it, however… I really don’t want to continue to obsess over not having obsessions so, I am going to hit the publish button anyway.

**You know, so I can stop obsessing and be balanced. I wonder how many times I am going to talk about balance now. Maybe tomorrow I can talk about cat videos. I am sure I have never mentioned that before.

***Damn! Now, I am obsessed with cat videos. Why can’t I have any moderation at all???

****Ellen likes cat videos. I wonder if Sandra Bullock has decided to be my friend yet.

*****See what I did there?

 

****HAHAHA! This was written so poorly that word press interrupted my posting to ask me if I would rather use the proofreader first!!!!